6 ms·

As a recently (<1 month) divorced man without kids, I have to admit it really shakes you to your core. Especially after being more than a decade with a person y

by vecinu 5y ago

As a recently (<1 month) divorced man without kids, I have to admit it really shakes you to your core. Especially after being more than a decade with a person you thought you could trust and go to the grave with, to have them end it all in 1 week because "I no longer have feelings for you" is devastating on many levels. Obviously therapy is a good first resource and then working on yourself going forward is a good strategy but man, I can totally understand how some men are obliterated when children are involved and the other spouse is out for blood. I consider myself lucky that it happened before I got too old, had children and who knows what other things could have happened but damn, it still hurts.

op00to 5y ago
I have a buddy who is going through this. He’s far away, but I still want to help. What can I do?
- koonsolo 5y ago
  What helped for me: 1. Talking to a person who went through the same thing. 2. Buddies that invited themselves and planned some other social activities to get my head away from it. So I would suggest to give him a call, or a video call and play a remote board game with some buddies or something like that. (or Among Us, which is also fun over a video call)
3pt14159 5y ago
I'm so sorry that that happened to you. I hope you've got a solid support system of friends and family around you.
- vecinu 5y ago
  Hey, thanks, I appreciate that! Unfortunately we had moved to a brand new city last year during COVID and I'm pretty much alone here so it's definitely harder. I'm doing my best to break into social groups and clubs but it's not easy, especially during a pandemic.
  - 3pt14159 5y ago
    Well if you happen to be in Toronto or San Fransisco let me know via email. I'm happy to go for a coffee or beer with someone knew to a city. I'm usually in TO, but I'm in SF once every month and a half for work. Best of luck.
    - vecinu 5y ago
      Hey, small world, I'm from YYZ and spent quite some time in SFO and it looks like we even have a common friend :) I'll drop you an e-mail, I'm planning to be in SF next month. Thanks!
      - 3pt14159 5y ago
        Amazing! I can't wait :) If for some reason I don't respond please reach out on Twitter. My personal email gets a lot of spam and Google is great, but occasionally real stuff slips by.
icu 5y ago
I can relate to the devastating on many levels part. I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting. I know this is unsolicited advice, but for what it's worth take some time to figure out how and why you found yourself in the situation. Write about the past and use the writing to process the negative emotions. You'll come to a deeper understanding of yourself, and the world, which is when you can start constructing a compelling future. I hope you find peace and happiness in the future.
- koonsolo 5y ago
  > It was existentially disorienting. I had a family with 3 kids, so it left quite an impact on me. For years I felt like the real me was still non-divorced, living his life like normal. And I ended up in this surreal parallel universe, where I'm divorced and living in some kind of bad dream. Good thing that feeling is over, and I was able to pick up my life again. Your mind can play some crazy tricks to cope with certain situations.
- lm28469 5y ago
  > I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting. I feel like it happens a lot in modern relationships. People become so interdependent and build themselves and their identities propped against each-other (to the point of neglecting families and friends even), so much that when it chatters it's a life changing experience. The interdependence could even be a cause of the breakup itself. I also feel like a lot of dysfunctional couples are staying together not to break the illusion (some kind of weir sunk cost fallacy). People need space and solitude to find themselves, only then they can start building healthy and stable relationships, ~50% of married couple divorce (and much more unmarried breakup), statistically your couple won't last, live like every day is the last day of your relationship and make the best out of it (it also helps keeping the gears of love running). Treat love as a drug (or food), when used in moderation and in a safe manner it can be soothing and positive, when your life starts to exclusively revolve around it it quickly can spiral out of control. Maintain a good routine; friends, hobbies, sport, job, &c. Read books about the psychology of love, couples, relationships, breakups, it helps a lot when you figure out that most people are going through the same thing and are getting past it with time. You can also check out stoic philosophers and how to live for and by yourself, you don't have to take it to the letter but it certainly gives you another point of view.
toyg 5y ago
4 years ago last month, for me. In some ways it gets better - you don't have to answer to anybody but yourself, again. In others, it doesn't - society now sees you a bit differently, and will continue to do so until you somehow get back "on the rails" with a new partner. > I can totally understand how some men are obliterated when children are involved and the other spouse is out for blood Happened to a friend of mine and I thank my lucky star every day that we kept things civil. Men in particular have a lot to lose.
- pnutjam 5y ago
  Both sides lose, men usually do better. https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the- https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the- divorce-gap/480333/
  - toomuchtodo 5y ago
    Link is broken due to a space: https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the-divorce-gap/480333/ https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the-div...
    - hnarn 5y ago
      Or: http://archive.today/2020.06.11-123202/https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the-divorce-gap/480333/ http://archive.today/2020.06.11-123202/https://www.theatlant...
  - lenzm 5y ago
    If you value money more than your kids.
    - llampx 5y ago
      If you are a particular gender who is the beneficiary of systematic discrimination, you can have both.
  - 55555 5y ago
rich_sasha 5y ago
Good luck, I can only imagine how awful it must be.

by vecinu 5y ago

op00to 5y ago

I have a buddy who is going through this. He’s far away, but I still want to help. What can I do?

koonsolo 5y ago
What helped for me: 1. Talking to a person who went through the same thing. 2. Buddies that invited themselves and planned some other social activities to get my head away from it. So I would suggest to give him a call, or a video call and play a remote board game with some buddies or something like that. (or Among Us, which is also fun over a video call)

3pt14159 5y ago

I'm so sorry that that happened to you. I hope you've got a solid support system of friends and family around you.

vecinu 5y ago
Hey, thanks, I appreciate that! Unfortunately we had moved to a brand new city last year during COVID and I'm pretty much alone here so it's definitely harder. I'm doing my best to break into social groups and clubs but it's not easy, especially during a pandemic.
- 3pt14159 5y ago
  Well if you happen to be in Toronto or San Fransisco let me know via email. I'm happy to go for a coffee or beer with someone knew to a city. I'm usually in TO, but I'm in SF once every month and a half for work. Best of luck.
  - vecinu 5y ago
    Hey, small world, I'm from YYZ and spent quite some time in SFO and it looks like we even have a common friend :) I'll drop you an e-mail, I'm planning to be in SF next month. Thanks!
    - 3pt14159 5y ago
      Amazing! I can't wait :) If for some reason I don't respond please reach out on Twitter. My personal email gets a lot of spam and Google is great, but occasionally real stuff slips by.

icu 5y ago

I can relate to the devastating on many levels part. I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting. I know this is unsolicited advice, but for what it's worth take some time to figure out how and why you found yourself in the situation. Write about the past and use the writing to process the negative emotions. You'll come to a deeper understanding of yourself, and the world, which is when you can start constructing a compelling future. I hope you find peace and happiness in the future.

koonsolo 5y ago
> It was existentially disorienting. I had a family with 3 kids, so it left quite an impact on me. For years I felt like the real me was still non-divorced, living his life like normal. And I ended up in this surreal parallel universe, where I'm divorced and living in some kind of bad dream. Good thing that feeling is over, and I was able to pick up my life again. Your mind can play some crazy tricks to cope with certain situations.
lm28469 5y ago
> I felt like I didn't actually know what happened in the past, so I didn't know who I was in the present, and the future I was working towards was gone. It was existentially disorienting. I feel like it happens a lot in modern relationships. People become so interdependent and build themselves and their identities propped against each-other (to the point of neglecting families and friends even), so much that when it chatters it's a life changing experience. The interdependence could even be a cause of the breakup itself. I also feel like a lot of dysfunctional couples are staying together not to break the illusion (some kind of weir sunk cost fallacy). People need space and solitude to find themselves, only then they can start building healthy and stable relationships, ~50% of married couple divorce (and much more unmarried breakup), statistically your couple won't last, live like every day is the last day of your relationship and make the best out of it (it also helps keeping the gears of love running). Treat love as a drug (or food), when used in moderation and in a safe manner it can be soothing and positive, when your life starts to exclusively revolve around it it quickly can spiral out of control. Maintain a good routine; friends, hobbies, sport, job, &c. Read books about the psychology of love, couples, relationships, breakups, it helps a lot when you figure out that most people are going through the same thing and are getting past it with time. You can also check out stoic philosophers and how to live for and by yourself, you don't have to take it to the letter but it certainly gives you another point of view.

toyg 5y ago

4 years ago last month, for me. In some ways it gets better - you don't have to answer to anybody but yourself, again. In others, it doesn't - society now sees you a bit differently, and will continue to do so until you somehow get back "on the rails" with a new partner. > I can totally understand how some men are obliterated when children are involved and the other spouse is out for blood Happened to a friend of mine and I thank my lucky star every day that we kept things civil. Men in particular have a lot to lose.

pnutjam 5y ago
Both sides lose, men usually do better. https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the- https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the- divorce-gap/480333/
- toomuchtodo 5y ago
  Link is broken due to a space: https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the-divorce-gap/480333/ https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the-div...
  - hnarn 5y ago
    Or: http://archive.today/2020.06.11-123202/https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the-divorce-gap/480333/ http://archive.today/2020.06.11-123202/https://www.theatlant...
- lenzm 5y ago
  If you value money more than your kids.
  - llampx 5y ago
    If you are a particular gender who is the beneficiary of systematic discrimination, you can have both.
- 55555 5y ago

rich_sasha 5y ago

Good luck, I can only imagine how awful it must be.