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The number one rule of parenting advice is that what worked for one kid may not work for another. Pretty much the sum of what you can say about kids that works

The number one rule of parenting advice is that what worked for one kid may not work for another. Pretty much the sum of what you can say about kids that works universally is making sure they have food, clothes, and shelter. Being kind and wanting the best for them is also almost always helpful. Beyond that . . . beware of blindly applying advice that worked for two children from the same genetic, environmental, and economic stock. I don't mean that you shouldn't consider or even try whatever advice this author has. I mean that you shouldn't feel guilty if it doesn't work. If it always worked, it would be common knowledge, and you wouldn't need anyone to tell it to you on a relatively unknown Substack.

gregwebs 5y ago
To figure out what has worked univerally for kids, I recommend the book Hunt, Gather, Parent. However, there is a gap between applying what worked universally for thousands of years to our modern world. I think the linked article is a nice attempt at bringing universals of autonomy and intrinsic motivation to the modern world.
blowski 5y ago
Best bit of advice I got when becoming a new parent was from a retired teacher in my church. “When you see a class of 11 year olds it’s impossible to say who got wooden toys, who was breastfed, who had limited screen-time. But you can always tell who had a loving family.”
- ismail 5y ago
  Relationships > Everything Else
- mikaraento 5y ago
  This is very true. However, it's likely to be correlation rather can causation. Loving parents pass on loving genes. I recommend Judith Rich Harris's book "The Nurture Assumption" on the topic. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nurture_Assumption https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nurture_Assumption)
  - blowski 5y ago
    If one were really able to measure the impact on a human's life, then it's all about nudging small probabilities in an extremely chaotic system. As a parent, though, I'd say that providing a loving environment in which your kids can grow up is both the factor most under your control and that will have the biggest impact. Thus, anything done through that lens is likely to help, and anything done for some other reason less so. But you can't systematise "provide a loving environment" into a series of rules, and that's what makes parenting so f**ing hard.
  - watwut 5y ago
    > However, it's likely to be correlation rather can causation. Loving parents pass on loving genes. Emotionally neglected kids have issues even if their biological parents had great "loving genes" whatever it is.
    - asdfasgasdgasdg 5y ago
      That seems reasonable to believe. However it would be difficult to prove, because this configuration will rarely exist in reality. People whose genes bias them toward traits we think of as "loving" will tend to actually be loving, and therefore their children will not be emotionally neglected. I don't know if I could express certainty either way on this proposition. (For anyone who thinks it's impossible for loving-ness to be genetically programmed, read about the domesticated silver fox experiment.)
      - nzmsv 5y ago
        A child can be genetically loving, but beaten down by a poor environment. Have you never seen someone suddenly thrive after leaving abusive parents, bosses, or partners?
        asdfasgasdgasdg 5y ago
        No, I have not personally witnessed that. Even if I did, I don't know if I could possibly ascribe that effect to "genetic loving-ness" as a general rule. That would seem to be jumping to conclusions far more than I'm personally comfortable with. That being said, nothing in my prior comment denied this possibility, I merely expressed uncertainty as to whether it's the primary explanation of the traits we see.
- xxs 5y ago
  You can also say who had access to regular trainings and/or ability to play outside.
  - chrisseaton 5y ago
    Regular training in what?
    - xxs 5y ago
      I could have been clearer, indeed: any spots, physical exercise.
- watwut 5y ago
  > When you see a class of 11 year olds it’s impossible to say who got wooden toys, who was breastfed, who had limited screen-time. I definitely can tell 11 years old with limited "screen-time" vs unlimited one.
  - OldTimeCoffee 5y ago
    How's that? Because it's going to be basically impossible to single out this variable in a kid. First, not all 'screen time' is the same. You see the traits in a kid you know has unlimited screen time and ascribe that to the screen time and not the other parenting decisions that lead to those traits. For example, screen time as a babysitter, only TikTok or mobile games, never talking about their screen time, etc. There's likely kids you don't think have unlimited screen time that actually do, but because of other parenting decisions, it doesn't result in the same traits. For example, encouraging their kid to read with their screen time (books are on kids tablets now), watch science videos, talking to their kids about what they're doing with their screen time, doing screen time with them, etc. This is why psychology and sociology studies are so hard, because it is almost impossible to isolate a changing variable in testing.
    - watwut 5y ago
      I am like, how often are you in contact with kids? Also, the kid who has unlimited screen time and uses majority of it for reading and educational videos is something I never met.
      - OldTimeCoffee 5y ago
        I have one. The second one describes my kid. All unlimited screen time means is that I don't set a limit on it. They can decide to do other stuff and they usually do. I have a Kindle Fire they basically only use in the car, otherwise they'd rather play with friends, or do crafts. The tablet gets pretty boring when you're basically doing it alone.
        smokey_the_bear 5y ago
- foxyv 5y ago
  I don't know if we can even tell that much. I've seen kids come out of abusive, dirty, and poisonous homes that not even a cockroach would touch. They turned out both loving and generous. I've also seen kids come out of beautifully kept homes that were loved and taken care of. The same kid would steal the wheels off your car while sticking a knife in a retiree. People are just like that. Almost completely random. That generous and loving kid could go on to become an evil jerk who scams people out of money. That thieving monster could become an amazing musician who converts to pacifism and volunteers in nursing homes. We aren't static frameworks that are formed by genetics, nurturing, or environment. We are shape shifters.
noneeeed 5y ago
This. My only realy piece of advice to any new parent is not to be afraid to try different things until you find whatever it is that works, and just try and observe and reflect on what works and what doesn't. Feel free to read every parenting book or website you can find, but don't assume that any of it is universally correct, but some of it will help you. Although now I think about it, I have a few more general ones: Try not to sacrifice the long term on the altar of the short term win too much. Sometimes you have to deal with something right now but a lot of the time it's worth taking the immediate stress/pain/sleeplessness for the long term (e.g. sleep behaviour). Kids learn more from what you do than what you say. When I was getting burnt out, stressed and short tempered my kids got angry, aggressive and confontational. When I sorted myself out they chilled out. Apologise when you get things wrong and they will learn from that too. Finally, avoid a lot of mummy groups online, many of them are hideously toxic and judgemental. I'm sure there are good ones out there full of supportive people doing their best, but many are also full of people who are convinced their way is the best and everyone else is either incompetant, wrong, or even evil (especially if you even hint at sleep training). As with most of the internet, the ones with strong opinions tend to be the ones who are loudest and dominate the conversation.
- paulryanrogers 5y ago
  It is sad the push back against sleep training. Has cost my SO and I many nights. Even if it won't work the same for everyone I do wish it didn't become taboo before we even started.
  - noneeeed 5y ago
    Yeah, thankfully it doesn't appear to have quite the same rabid haters in the uk as in the us. We didn't stick rigidly to one particular approach, I kind of took inspiration from them and figured out something that worked for each of my kids. The end result is that they have slept really well ever since and bed times are pretty easy in our house. And to top it off we as parents have more energy because we get good sleep and have time to get things done in the evening.
dominotw 5y ago
> The number one rule of parenting advice is that what worked for one kid may not work for another. Surely there is some advice that applies to all kids. humans aren't that complicated after all.
shireboy 5y ago
I think that's true even for kids in the same family. That in itself is a challenge though. When kid 1 gets A because it works for them, but kid 2 gets B because it works for them, inevitably jealousy and accusations of unfairness ensue.

gregwebs 5y ago

To figure out what has worked univerally for kids, I recommend the book Hunt, Gather, Parent. However, there is a gap between applying what worked universally for thousands of years to our modern world. I think the linked article is a nice attempt at bringing universals of autonomy and intrinsic motivation to the modern world.

blowski 5y ago

Best bit of advice I got when becoming a new parent was from a retired teacher in my church. “When you see a class of 11 year olds it’s impossible to say who got wooden toys, who was breastfed, who had limited screen-time. But you can always tell who had a loving family.”

ismail 5y ago
Relationships > Everything Else
mikaraento 5y ago
This is very true. However, it's likely to be correlation rather can causation. Loving parents pass on loving genes. I recommend Judith Rich Harris's book "The Nurture Assumption" on the topic. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nurture_Assumption https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nurture_Assumption)
- blowski 5y ago
  If one were really able to measure the impact on a human's life, then it's all about nudging small probabilities in an extremely chaotic system. As a parent, though, I'd say that providing a loving environment in which your kids can grow up is both the factor most under your control and that will have the biggest impact. Thus, anything done through that lens is likely to help, and anything done for some other reason less so. But you can't systematise "provide a loving environment" into a series of rules, and that's what makes parenting so f**ing hard.
- watwut 5y ago
  > However, it's likely to be correlation rather can causation. Loving parents pass on loving genes. Emotionally neglected kids have issues even if their biological parents had great "loving genes" whatever it is.
  - asdfasgasdgasdg 5y ago
    That seems reasonable to believe. However it would be difficult to prove, because this configuration will rarely exist in reality. People whose genes bias them toward traits we think of as "loving" will tend to actually be loving, and therefore their children will not be emotionally neglected. I don't know if I could express certainty either way on this proposition. (For anyone who thinks it's impossible for loving-ness to be genetically programmed, read about the domesticated silver fox experiment.)
    - nzmsv 5y ago
      A child can be genetically loving, but beaten down by a poor environment. Have you never seen someone suddenly thrive after leaving abusive parents, bosses, or partners?
      - asdfasgasdgasdg 5y ago
        No, I have not personally witnessed that. Even if I did, I don't know if I could possibly ascribe that effect to "genetic loving-ness" as a general rule. That would seem to be jumping to conclusions far more than I'm personally comfortable with. That being said, nothing in my prior comment denied this possibility, I merely expressed uncertainty as to whether it's the primary explanation of the traits we see.
xxs 5y ago
You can also say who had access to regular trainings and/or ability to play outside.
- chrisseaton 5y ago
  Regular training in what?
  - xxs 5y ago
    I could have been clearer, indeed: any spots, physical exercise.
watwut 5y ago
> When you see a class of 11 year olds it’s impossible to say who got wooden toys, who was breastfed, who had limited screen-time. I definitely can tell 11 years old with limited "screen-time" vs unlimited one.
- OldTimeCoffee 5y ago
  How's that? Because it's going to be basically impossible to single out this variable in a kid. First, not all 'screen time' is the same. You see the traits in a kid you know has unlimited screen time and ascribe that to the screen time and not the other parenting decisions that lead to those traits. For example, screen time as a babysitter, only TikTok or mobile games, never talking about their screen time, etc. There's likely kids you don't think have unlimited screen time that actually do, but because of other parenting decisions, it doesn't result in the same traits. For example, encouraging their kid to read with their screen time (books are on kids tablets now), watch science videos, talking to their kids about what they're doing with their screen time, doing screen time with them, etc. This is why psychology and sociology studies are so hard, because it is almost impossible to isolate a changing variable in testing.
  - watwut 5y ago
    I am like, how often are you in contact with kids? Also, the kid who has unlimited screen time and uses majority of it for reading and educational videos is something I never met.
    - OldTimeCoffee 5y ago
      I have one. The second one describes my kid. All unlimited screen time means is that I don't set a limit on it. They can decide to do other stuff and they usually do. I have a Kindle Fire they basically only use in the car, otherwise they'd rather play with friends, or do crafts. The tablet gets pretty boring when you're basically doing it alone.
      - smokey_the_bear 5y ago
foxyv 5y ago
I don't know if we can even tell that much. I've seen kids come out of abusive, dirty, and poisonous homes that not even a cockroach would touch. They turned out both loving and generous. I've also seen kids come out of beautifully kept homes that were loved and taken care of. The same kid would steal the wheels off your car while sticking a knife in a retiree. People are just like that. Almost completely random. That generous and loving kid could go on to become an evil jerk who scams people out of money. That thieving monster could become an amazing musician who converts to pacifism and volunteers in nursing homes. We aren't static frameworks that are formed by genetics, nurturing, or environment. We are shape shifters.

noneeeed 5y ago

This. My only realy piece of advice to any new parent is not to be afraid to try different things until you find whatever it is that works, and just try and observe and reflect on what works and what doesn't. Feel free to read every parenting book or website you can find, but don't assume that any of it is universally correct, but some of it will help you. Although now I think about it, I have a few more general ones: Try not to sacrifice the long term on the altar of the short term win too much. Sometimes you have to deal with something right now but a lot of the time it's worth taking the immediate stress/pain/sleeplessness for the long term (e.g. sleep behaviour). Kids learn more from what you do than what you say. When I was getting burnt out, stressed and short tempered my kids got angry, aggressive and confontational. When I sorted myself out they chilled out. Apologise when you get things wrong and they will learn from that too. Finally, avoid a lot of mummy groups online, many of them are hideously toxic and judgemental. I'm sure there are good ones out there full of supportive people doing their best, but many are also full of people who are convinced their way is the best and everyone else is either incompetant, wrong, or even evil (especially if you even hint at sleep training). As with most of the internet, the ones with strong opinions tend to be the ones who are loudest and dominate the conversation.

paulryanrogers 5y ago
It is sad the push back against sleep training. Has cost my SO and I many nights. Even if it won't work the same for everyone I do wish it didn't become taboo before we even started.
- noneeeed 5y ago
  Yeah, thankfully it doesn't appear to have quite the same rabid haters in the uk as in the us. We didn't stick rigidly to one particular approach, I kind of took inspiration from them and figured out something that worked for each of my kids. The end result is that they have slept really well ever since and bed times are pretty easy in our house. And to top it off we as parents have more energy because we get good sleep and have time to get things done in the evening.

dominotw 5y ago

> The number one rule of parenting advice is that what worked for one kid may not work for another. Surely there is some advice that applies to all kids. humans aren't that complicated after all.

shireboy 5y ago

I think that's true even for kids in the same family. That in itself is a challenge though. When kid 1 gets A because it works for them, but kid 2 gets B because it works for them, inevitably jealousy and accusations of unfairness ensue.