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This isn't a joke; I had actually scheduled a lunch with Lowtax for this Saturday. Despite a (let's call it) checkered past, I was extremely excited to meet hi

This isn't a joke; I had actually scheduled a lunch with Lowtax for this Saturday. Despite a (let's call it) checkered past, I was extremely excited to meet him, since he's been a huge influence to my sense of humor and Something Awful was really important to me as a teenager. ------- I had found him on LinkedIn a few weeks ago, and simply sent a message explaining that I'm a fan, would love a chance to buy him lunch and chat about Something Awful and Gaming Garbage. To my surprise, he responded back with "sure, I'd be up for it". I responded back with "How does early December sound to you? something on the order of December 11?" His response was "shit I dont even know if I'll still be alive then". This response was a little weird, but this isn't exactly "off brand" humor for Lowtax, so I ignored it. I then say something to the effect of "how about something along the lines of November 13?", which he said was better. He then said "and you have my permission to stab me". Again, not off brand for Lowtax. I bought a plane ticket to Kansas City, was ready to fly out this friday. But I had this deep feeling in my stomach that what he was saying wasn't just a joke. It's pretty well documented that he's been depressed, and I dunno, upon re-reading his messages a hundred times I got a dark feeling that these might be kind of bad omens. What exactly do I do with this? I discussed it with my wife and a friend, who weren't sure what the best solution was, and I ultimately decided not to say anything. I figured I'm just some dork who stalked him on LinkedIn, and I was afraid that if I said anything he would think I'm weird and cancel our lunch date. And now this shit happened. He finally did it, and now the thought keeps playing in my brain of "what if I had said something a few weeks ago?" I know I don't owe him anything, but I can't help but have this repeated feeling of "I valued an opportunity to meet my man-crush more than I valued someone showing suicidal tendencies," and it makes me feel downright rotten. That's not the kind of person I want to be, and it makes me feel legitimately sick that that's how my brain decided to work. At some logical level I know none of this is my fault really; realistically even if I had said something, I doubt much would have changed, and I doubt I had enough there to get him committed or anything, but there's a difference between logically knowing something and feeling something. As it stands, I think there's a reasonably good chance that I will feel partly responsible for this for the rest of my life. This sucks. -------- RIP Rich. I know you had a rough last couple years, you were the definition of a "complicated person", and despite everything you will be missed.

lollowtax 5y ago
Don’t let that take hold. You had nothing to do with it and deep down, you know it. If anything, you helped as best you could as some dork who stalked him on LinkedIn.
rembicilious 5y ago
It’s not your fault and you should adjust your perspective. The joke is on you! Off brand awful humor that makes light of the worst. It actually seems fitting!
versteegen 5y ago
If you'd met him in person, maybe you, as a fan, could have had some positive effect on him, without necessarily needing to saying anything, much more likely I think than just sending him a message as a stranger which I can't imagine helping. In that way, it's reasonable to not want to scare him off. You were taking the trouble to take a plane to see him, and he did agree to it, so he expected it would be positive too. Sad to hear.
- tombert 5y ago
  Yeah, I definitely think you're right about this on every single rational level. That said, I think guilt is often an irrational feeling. I barely knew the guy, and there's a large part of me that knows I did basically everything I could possibly do to help. I wasn't a family member, I wasn't his spouse, I wasn't a childhood friend, I was a dude who had an SA account as a teenager and subscribed to his YouTube channel and found his LinkedIn. ....That said, and I will acknowledge that this isn't the most rational thought that I have ever had, but I do wonder if him saying that to me was a cry for help, like he was reaching out to anyone to show some sort of interest in his well-being. It's silly, and of course that logic will never end; I'm sure could convince myself that I'm responsible for 9/11 if I tried hard enough. As I said in a sister thread, I do have an appointment with a shrink in a few days. I am reasonably sure they will either be able to help me or at least will be able to refer me to someone who can.
zrail 5y ago
You have zero fault in this. Survivors guilt is a super common thing and if you're feeling any you should seek out a grief counselor.

lollowtax 5y ago

Don’t let that take hold. You had nothing to do with it and deep down, you know it. If anything, you helped as best you could as some dork who stalked him on LinkedIn.

rembicilious 5y ago

It’s not your fault and you should adjust your perspective. The joke is on you! Off brand awful humor that makes light of the worst. It actually seems fitting!

versteegen 5y ago

If you'd met him in person, maybe you, as a fan, could have had some positive effect on him, without necessarily needing to saying anything, much more likely I think than just sending him a message as a stranger which I can't imagine helping. In that way, it's reasonable to not want to scare him off. You were taking the trouble to take a plane to see him, and he did agree to it, so he expected it would be positive too. Sad to hear.

tombert 5y ago
Yeah, I definitely think you're right about this on every single rational level. That said, I think guilt is often an irrational feeling. I barely knew the guy, and there's a large part of me that knows I did basically everything I could possibly do to help. I wasn't a family member, I wasn't his spouse, I wasn't a childhood friend, I was a dude who had an SA account as a teenager and subscribed to his YouTube channel and found his LinkedIn. ....That said, and I will acknowledge that this isn't the most rational thought that I have ever had, but I do wonder if him saying that to me was a cry for help, like he was reaching out to anyone to show some sort of interest in his well-being. It's silly, and of course that logic will never end; I'm sure could convince myself that I'm responsible for 9/11 if I tried hard enough. As I said in a sister thread, I do have an appointment with a shrink in a few days. I am reasonably sure they will either be able to help me or at least will be able to refer me to someone who can.

zrail 5y ago

You have zero fault in this. Survivors guilt is a super common thing and if you're feeling any you should seek out a grief counselor.