3 ms·

Paywall, so going on the title and lead paragraph: “Sometimes the worst thing you can say to a person who’s feeling bad is: “Cheer up!”” Well, let’s consider

Paywall, so going on the title and lead paragraph: “Sometimes the worst thing you can say to a person who’s feeling bad is: “Cheer up!”” Well, let’s consider some alternatives: - Please continue to wallow in your pit of despair and drag me in with you. - Please bleed way over there, you’re scaring the children. - Just shut up already. - Have you considered addictive drugs? - Have you considered years of expensive therapy? - Have you considered my personal cult? - Have you considered suicide? - Hey, look at my obscenely expensive new toy! No, I think there are many, many worse things to say than “Cheer up!” Among the better things to do might be to shout out a rousing chorus of “Always look on the bright side of life”. If you can whistle. Humor can be a wonderful tonic. In fact NYC Jewish humor is purpose-built for these situations. Erring by maintaining too positive an attitude leads to minor annoyance to the people most deserving of minor annoyance…at most. Erring by maintaining too negative an attitude can lead to drugs, suicide, cults, soul-crippling depression and the like. Always, at least, glance at the bright side of life.

nicbou 5y ago
I think the issue is when the positivity gets in the way of acknowledging the situation. Sometimes "damn, that sucks man" are the words I need to hear.
brokenmachine 5y ago
Gloria: See. if I'm thirsty. I don't want a glass of water, I want you to sympathize. I want you to say, "Gloria, I too know what it feels like to be thirsty. I too have had a dry mouth." I want you to connect with me through sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouthedness. https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/White_Men_Can%27t_Jump https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/White_Men_Can%27t_Jump
over_bridge 5y ago
I'm sorry that empathy seems to be an elusive concept for you. I hope that no one ever reaches out to you feeling bad and are greeted with a tone deaf bastardization of Monty Python People don't want advice, judgement or cheering up, they want to feel that they matter; that their voice has been heard. Acknowledge that they may be in pain and they are justified in feeling the way that they do. They are not wrong or broken, they've had an understandable response to their circumstances. Don't wallow in it but meet them where they are and seek only to understand and listen. If they let you in you can ask what you can do to help. If not, go whistle somewhere else.
- gitfan86 5y ago
  "Life is a piece of shit, when you look at it" that is from Monty Python and it isn't wrong, and it isn't toxic positivity.
eyelidlessness 5y ago
I think it’s obviously implied in the quoted paragraph that the intended audience is people who mean well with their toxic positivity but don’t understand why it’s harmful. Sure, “the worst” is too strong a claim even tempered by “sometimes”, but maybe give a little benefit of the doubt that there’s some context to frame what the article finds harmful about toxic positivity? Anyway, I don’t need to read the article to say that the alternative, if you care for someone, to toxic positivity isn’t negativity or even misguided/bad advice. A much healthier and more helpful alternative is to give space for people to feel how they feel, to be heard in their expression of those feelings, and to feel engaged in the discussion of the aspects of their problem that are challenging or hurtful. “Cheer up”, in a lot of contexts, can sound a lot like any one of the “worse” alternatives on your list. At best, it’s a reassurance to someone you know will receive it well. By default it’s an empty dismissal of real pain without any notion of how to navigate that pain to any particularly more cheery emotional state. If I’m experiencing poor mental health, my assumption hearing “cheer up” or similarly vacant positive responses is “shut up” or some variation thereof. It’s not so different if I’m in a better mental health state, it’s just less painful to hear because it’s easier to ignore.
the_only_law 5y ago
Yep that’s it, you listed every possible response. Everyone be sure to consult this exhaustive list when needed.

nicbou 5y ago

I think the issue is when the positivity gets in the way of acknowledging the situation. Sometimes "damn, that sucks man" are the words I need to hear.

brokenmachine 5y ago

Gloria: See. if I'm thirsty. I don't want a glass of water, I want you to sympathize. I want you to say, "Gloria, I too know what it feels like to be thirsty. I too have had a dry mouth." I want you to connect with me through sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouthedness. https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/White_Men_Can%27t_Jump https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/White_Men_Can%27t_Jump

over_bridge 5y ago

I'm sorry that empathy seems to be an elusive concept for you. I hope that no one ever reaches out to you feeling bad and are greeted with a tone deaf bastardization of Monty Python People don't want advice, judgement or cheering up, they want to feel that they matter; that their voice has been heard. Acknowledge that they may be in pain and they are justified in feeling the way that they do. They are not wrong or broken, they've had an understandable response to their circumstances. Don't wallow in it but meet them where they are and seek only to understand and listen. If they let you in you can ask what you can do to help. If not, go whistle somewhere else.

gitfan86 5y ago
"Life is a piece of shit, when you look at it" that is from Monty Python and it isn't wrong, and it isn't toxic positivity.

eyelidlessness 5y ago

I think it’s obviously implied in the quoted paragraph that the intended audience is people who mean well with their toxic positivity but don’t understand why it’s harmful. Sure, “the worst” is too strong a claim even tempered by “sometimes”, but maybe give a little benefit of the doubt that there’s some context to frame what the article finds harmful about toxic positivity? Anyway, I don’t need to read the article to say that the alternative, if you care for someone, to toxic positivity isn’t negativity or even misguided/bad advice. A much healthier and more helpful alternative is to give space for people to feel how they feel, to be heard in their expression of those feelings, and to feel engaged in the discussion of the aspects of their problem that are challenging or hurtful. “Cheer up”, in a lot of contexts, can sound a lot like any one of the “worse” alternatives on your list. At best, it’s a reassurance to someone you know will receive it well. By default it’s an empty dismissal of real pain without any notion of how to navigate that pain to any particularly more cheery emotional state. If I’m experiencing poor mental health, my assumption hearing “cheer up” or similarly vacant positive responses is “shut up” or some variation thereof. It’s not so different if I’m in a better mental health state, it’s just less painful to hear because it’s easier to ignore.

the_only_law 5y ago

Yep that’s it, you listed every possible response. Everyone be sure to consult this exhaustive list when needed.