4 ms·

>I forget the exact context, I think the conversation that stood out to me was about someone in a gas station or something, trying to make friendly conversation

>I forget the exact context, I think the conversation that stood out to me was about someone in a gas station or something, trying to make friendly conversation with another shopper next to them, along the lines of "oh that's a cool hat". And the consensus of the thread was "yeah that's awful, why would you do that, why are you subjecting them to the labor of talking to you" or such. This is kind of an American way of thinking. Small talk with strangers is weird in many places. If you're a woman spurning it can get ugly fast (you are not obligated to a reply from a stranger). It's not at all unusual for a woman to ignore small talk from a male stranger and instantly be met with vitriol. I've been in situations where an ignored comment like "smile honey" is instantly met with "bitch". If this is the cost of small talk, it isn't worth it. There's also the newfound respect for mental health, some people are extremely anxious or agoraphobic, and attempting small talk with strangers in places where people are required to be (grocery, fuel, etc) seems unnecessary. Is complementing someone's hat really worth the potential anxiety? not remotely. If you're lonely and want to meet people, don't try to do it via small talk with strangers. Join a club, take a class, volunteer. Go to places where interaction is expected, do not foist it upon strangers just trying to go about their daily lives. If you must small talk, please do not take it personally if someone ignores you.

sobani 5y ago
> Is complementing someone's hat really worth the potential anxiety? I still remember the compliments one of my jackets got me 1, 4 and 6 years ago. That probably helped making it my favorite jacket, especially since those are the only non-family compliments I got in the past 10 years. When you like something about someone, please make their year and compliment them on it.
gameman144 5y ago
I hear this all the time I'm these discussions, but I call bunk. Sure, small talk is filler content, but you're not going to jump straight into the more meaningful conversations with people you don't yet know. The filler small talk content isn't the substance, it's the launching point for those more substantive conversations. For instance, maybe you got the hat at a concert in Wichita, and this person at the gas station grew up in Wichita. Maybe they spent their career designing hats. Maybe their deceased kid used to love hats and seeing it reminded them of their kid. You don't know what the "actually interesting" topics available are until you actually spend ten seconds talking to someone. As with almost anything, people are free to ignore you or reject social conventions, that's totally their right. But it's also totally fine to try to start a conversation with someone. You're right that some people, for one reason another, might not want to carry a conversation. In those cases, they can simply not carry the conversation. One of the joys of being human, though, is commiserating with fellow humans. If the location isn't one where conversation is strictly verboten (e.g. movie theaters, gym machines, library study rooms), I see no reason why people shouldn't (respectfully) see if the other is up for a conversation.
- micromacrofoot 5y ago
  >But it's also totally fine to try to start a conversation with someone. I would agree (and really wish I could) if most people would recognize disinterest and stop there, but anecdotally I'd say half the time it's met with anger or some form of pointed dissatisfaction. People have outright touched me to get my attention about some off-hand comment I ignored initially. It's frequent enough where I'm conditioned to start looking for an exit when I'm approached by someone in public. It's incredibly unpleasant to feel obligated to continue small talk because you fear what happens if you don't. I can not support any kind of small talk under the reality of what comes along with it. It's one of those cases where some people ruin it for everyone else.
  - deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]
  - gameman144 5y ago
    > I can not support any kind of small talk under the reality of what comes along with it. Eh, I can understand that, but in my mind this seems like one of the purest instances of not letting the assholes co-opt the thing I like. Some people can't take no for an answer in loads of contexts. In my mind, the proper response is to call those people out for their misbehavior, stigmatize those bad actions, and let the vast majority of good actors and positive experiences carry on.
    - micromacrofoot 5y ago
      Thanks for the understanding, and I totally get that your experience is different from my own. I just don't feel like I have the physical or mental capacity to call everyone out, though I'm incredibly grateful for those who help out if someone's clearly being bothered in public (especially men calling out other men who are just out there hitting on strangers). Bystanders have gotten me out of a couple very uncomfortable situations in the past.
  - npsimons 5y ago
    > I would agree (and really wish I could) if most people would recognize disinterest and stop there, For all the whinging about anti-social nerds, I've found the people most obtuse when it comes to social niceties to be the overtalkative that don't pick up on subtle cues that the person they are haranguing just wants to be left alone and get on with whatever they were involved in before they were so rudely interrupted. No one owes anyone attention, particularly undivided.
nobody9999 5y ago
>If you're lonely and want to meet people, don't try to do it via small talk with strangers. Join a club, take a class, volunteer. Go to places where interaction is expected, do not foist it upon strangers just trying to go about their daily lives. I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't make small talk to meet other people. If the moment allows it and I'm in the mood, I enjoy making an offhand comment about something interesting or amusing that's going on around me. If that's not well received, I just move on. It's no big deal (at least not to me) if others aren't interested. I will say that, at least for me, 7-8 times out of 10, the interaction is welcomed and comfortable. That said, I do try hard to be personable and polite. That usually makes a big difference.
cjaro 5y ago
Yeah I'm with you on this one. I consider small talk sometimes but honestly, the emotional/social effort it takes + the risks of engaging with stranger men (as a gal myself) aren't worth it. I'll do my grocery shopping in silence, because with how stressed I am right now, I don't have extra bandwidth for entertaining chatty strangers.
jannyfer 5y ago
> This is kind of an American way of thinking. Small talk with strangers is weird in many places. I agree it depends on where you are, though I'm not sure about the "American" categorization. I was in Seoul where small talk with strangers was completely weird... then I went to a different city in South Korea, Busan, where people would chat you up all over the place (waiting in line, in a street food stall, at the sauna, etc). I later learned that Busan was a city of refugees in the Korean War where the entire country was pushed into a single city - people had to learn to live closely packed together and cooperate, and the culture stuck. I'm an introvert and prefer to not have small talk, but as a tourist in Busan, it wasn't that bad (fun, actually) to randomly hear about a stranger's daughter's upcoming wedding, completely unprompted.
- throwaway2037 5y ago
  Thank you to share you insights about Seoul vs Busan! I never knew about the history of Busan. I have heard similar things about Tokyo vs Osaka, where people in Tokyo are comparatively less open (to random, public interactions) and more personally reserved.

sobani 5y ago

> Is complementing someone's hat really worth the potential anxiety? I still remember the compliments one of my jackets got me 1, 4 and 6 years ago. That probably helped making it my favorite jacket, especially since those are the only non-family compliments I got in the past 10 years. When you like something about someone, please make their year and compliment them on it.

gameman144 5y ago

I hear this all the time I'm these discussions, but I call bunk. Sure, small talk is filler content, but you're not going to jump straight into the more meaningful conversations with people you don't yet know. The filler small talk content isn't the substance, it's the launching point for those more substantive conversations. For instance, maybe you got the hat at a concert in Wichita, and this person at the gas station grew up in Wichita. Maybe they spent their career designing hats. Maybe their deceased kid used to love hats and seeing it reminded them of their kid. You don't know what the "actually interesting" topics available are until you actually spend ten seconds talking to someone. As with almost anything, people are free to ignore you or reject social conventions, that's totally their right. But it's also totally fine to try to start a conversation with someone. You're right that some people, for one reason another, might not want to carry a conversation. In those cases, they can simply not carry the conversation. One of the joys of being human, though, is commiserating with fellow humans. If the location isn't one where conversation is strictly verboten (e.g. movie theaters, gym machines, library study rooms), I see no reason why people shouldn't (respectfully) see if the other is up for a conversation.

micromacrofoot 5y ago
>But it's also totally fine to try to start a conversation with someone. I would agree (and really wish I could) if most people would recognize disinterest and stop there, but anecdotally I'd say half the time it's met with anger or some form of pointed dissatisfaction. People have outright touched me to get my attention about some off-hand comment I ignored initially. It's frequent enough where I'm conditioned to start looking for an exit when I'm approached by someone in public. It's incredibly unpleasant to feel obligated to continue small talk because you fear what happens if you don't. I can not support any kind of small talk under the reality of what comes along with it. It's one of those cases where some people ruin it for everyone else.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- gameman144 5y ago
  > I can not support any kind of small talk under the reality of what comes along with it. Eh, I can understand that, but in my mind this seems like one of the purest instances of not letting the assholes co-opt the thing I like. Some people can't take no for an answer in loads of contexts. In my mind, the proper response is to call those people out for their misbehavior, stigmatize those bad actions, and let the vast majority of good actors and positive experiences carry on.
  - micromacrofoot 5y ago
    Thanks for the understanding, and I totally get that your experience is different from my own. I just don't feel like I have the physical or mental capacity to call everyone out, though I'm incredibly grateful for those who help out if someone's clearly being bothered in public (especially men calling out other men who are just out there hitting on strangers). Bystanders have gotten me out of a couple very uncomfortable situations in the past.
- npsimons 5y ago
  > I would agree (and really wish I could) if most people would recognize disinterest and stop there, For all the whinging about anti-social nerds, I've found the people most obtuse when it comes to social niceties to be the overtalkative that don't pick up on subtle cues that the person they are haranguing just wants to be left alone and get on with whatever they were involved in before they were so rudely interrupted. No one owes anyone attention, particularly undivided.

nobody9999 5y ago

>If you're lonely and want to meet people, don't try to do it via small talk with strangers. Join a club, take a class, volunteer. Go to places where interaction is expected, do not foist it upon strangers just trying to go about their daily lives. I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't make small talk to meet other people. If the moment allows it and I'm in the mood, I enjoy making an offhand comment about something interesting or amusing that's going on around me. If that's not well received, I just move on. It's no big deal (at least not to me) if others aren't interested. I will say that, at least for me, 7-8 times out of 10, the interaction is welcomed and comfortable. That said, I do try hard to be personable and polite. That usually makes a big difference.

cjaro 5y ago

Yeah I'm with you on this one. I consider small talk sometimes but honestly, the emotional/social effort it takes + the risks of engaging with stranger men (as a gal myself) aren't worth it. I'll do my grocery shopping in silence, because with how stressed I am right now, I don't have extra bandwidth for entertaining chatty strangers.

jannyfer 5y ago

> This is kind of an American way of thinking. Small talk with strangers is weird in many places. I agree it depends on where you are, though I'm not sure about the "American" categorization. I was in Seoul where small talk with strangers was completely weird... then I went to a different city in South Korea, Busan, where people would chat you up all over the place (waiting in line, in a street food stall, at the sauna, etc). I later learned that Busan was a city of refugees in the Korean War where the entire country was pushed into a single city - people had to learn to live closely packed together and cooperate, and the culture stuck. I'm an introvert and prefer to not have small talk, but as a tourist in Busan, it wasn't that bad (fun, actually) to randomly hear about a stranger's daughter's upcoming wedding, completely unprompted.

throwaway2037 5y ago
Thank you to share you insights about Seoul vs Busan! I never knew about the history of Busan. I have heard similar things about Tokyo vs Osaka, where people in Tokyo are comparatively less open (to random, public interactions) and more personally reserved.