5 ms·

What Would Jesus’s Resume Say? (2018)

32 points by rishabhd 5y ago

Slow_Hand 5y ago
Relevant 'Kids in the Hall' sketch: https://youtu.be/OclYAJhyNY0?t=23 https://youtu.be/OclYAJhyNY0?t=23
cyberbanjo 5y ago
I was hoping it'd have a human generations worth of work on it. I've never seen a resume spanning 2000 years. Were there even pre-cursors to CVs/resumes then? A cursor search seems to trace resumes back to Davinci/'s time.
- Apocryphon 5y ago
  > I've never seen a resume spanning 2000 years. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSqexFg74F8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSqexFg74F8
UncleOxidant 5y ago
Mary Magdalene's job title (prostitute) is debatable. There's evidence to suggest this was something added later by patriarchal church leaders to try to minimize her contributions to the early church.
- dundercoder 5y ago
  Fortunately, I don't feel like whether it is true or not changes any doctrine. I am curious though.
  - UncleOxidant 5y ago
    True, it doesn't seem as though any doctrines were harmed.
nineplay 5y ago
Did He lose His job as the head of the Catholic Church? It's certainly a question I'd ask at the interview.
- JasonFruit 5y ago
  It was more a matter of diverging priorities leading to an amicable separation.
  - ydlr 5y ago
    I'd say he was "promoted" to an emeritis position, where he is invited to meetings and shares his opinions, but is mostly ignored as irelevent.
yakubin 5y ago
The position of "Head of Catholic Church" has been vacant for centuries, it seems. Also, the domain of Mary Magdalene's mail was seized by FBI (that or it's a prank).
- easton 5y ago
  backpage.com was a website for finding prostitutes until a couple years ago when it was seized. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backpage https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backpage
dundercoder 5y ago
I appreciate the author's ability to use levity without sacrilege. My current resume is 2 pages, and that's a recent adjustment. For the past 20 years or so I've kept it pared down to 1 page. It probably still could be if I removed some keyword padding for the resume scanners.
- ipaddr 5y ago
  Why? Are you trying to appear as a new grad? If you have 8 pages of work experience share it, just make sure your first page has a summary.
  - version_five 5y ago
    As someone who has screened thousands of resumes, this is a terrible idea unless you're a government contractor or something where you need to give a full accounting of everything you did. If you can't summarize it in 1-2 pages, and you think every small thing you did is important, its already a red flag for most. At best it will just get ignored.
    - ipaddr 5y ago
      If I'm trying to get it past someone who is filtering thousands of resumes being able to quickly assess that I would be a good fit is important. The first page should tell the hr person immediately. The extra weight of a full resume with roles that match the position gives additional confidence pre-interview that carries through to the interview where the interview becomes a formality. That might be more important with smaller companies or smaller teams where finding someone they can trust who can perform the job is important and you do not have blind rounds of interviews with random teams not connected to the onboarding. Let the hiring manager fall in love with your resume by showing it to them.
    - squiffsquiff 5y ago
      My resume is 9 pages but I only supply it on request. Potential employers find me on LinkedIn. Automatic keyword matching leads to longer resumes. I'm afraid your approach is very much in the minority.
commandlinefan 5y ago
Considering how many writings from that time period/location exist and how influential Jesus was, the fact that no writings of his own have ever been found suggest that he ever wrote anything... so Jesus' actual resume would also have to say "prepared by..."
- 9front 5y ago
  John 8:6-7 "Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground..."
hprotagonist 5y ago
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jesus_wanted_poster.jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jesus_wanted_poster.... Dressed poorly, _said_ to be a carpenter by trade. Ill-nourished, has visionary ideas, associates with common working people, the unemployed, and bums. Alien - believed to be a Jew. Aliases : 'Prince of Peace', 'Son of Man', 'Light of the world', &c &c. Professional agitator. Red beard. Marks on hands and feet, the result of injuries inflicted by an angry mob led by respectable citizens and legal authorities. Not exactly a resume, but ...
umvi 5y ago
Only 40 WPM? Ah, I guess that's why he prefers tablets.
bravoetch 5y ago
Nothing in there about being a life model for paintings and sculptures.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
dandotway 5y ago
> Head of Protestant Church, AD 1517-present I wish there were a united Protestant Church, but there are only Protestant churches. Perhaps by Church the author meant something more abstract like 'the hidden body of all believers in Christ'. But the author leaves out the Orthodox who split half a millennium before Luther. Perhaps the author thinks all those Russian Orthodox priests slaughtered by communists aren't hardcore Christian enough? Now there is a Lutheran Church (1517-present). What has become of it in 500 years? The Lutheran Church of Sweden recently removed an alterpiece by a lesbian artist depicting two gay couples and a transsexual in the Garden of Eden because they thought the lesbian's depiction of transsexuals was offensive: https://christianaction.org/top-stories-of-the-day/update-gay-altarpiece-to-be-removed-from-swedish-church-offensive-to-transsexuals/ https://christianaction.org/top-stories-of-the-day/update-ga... Does the author consider Jesus to be the head of this 1517-present Church? > Head of Catholic Church, AD 31-1516 Now there is such a thing as the Catholic Church (1st century AD-present). Who heads it? Catholics recite at each Mass the Nicene Creed affirming the Lord Jesus Christ sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. They don't celebrate a "Head Lord Pope" at Mass. You also won't find the sort of artwork many modern Lutherans fancy in any Catholic churches because the Catholic Church is pastored by the Bishop of Rome[1] (1st century AD-present) who was originally the Apostle Peter, who was succeeded by St. Linus, who was succeeded by St. Anacletus, all the way down to Franciscus (2013-present), and this head pastor doesn't let individual parishes completely go to hell. (Pun intended.) Just as Christ promised Peter when he handed him the Keys of the Kingdom (Matt 16:17-19) [2]. Yes, scandals happen in all churches, good and bad, and plenty have happened in the Catholic Church, including scandals early enough to be recorded in the New Testament. In 1 Cor 5:1 [3] a church member is called out for sleeping with his mother-in-law. In Acts 5:1-10 [4] two hypocrites, Ananias and Saphira, who pretend to give a larger share of their wealth than they really did in order to boost their status within the church, are struck dead by God. (This is one of those rare New Testament passages that shows that the Old Testament God that smites people dead is also the New Testament God. See Acts 12:23 [5] for another example.) TL;DR: there are over 2 billion Christians globally, spanning a 2000 year history since Christ walked the earth, but the author's insights about 'What Would Jesus Do' exclude most of them, but are perhaps at least inclusive enough to embrace the artistic tastes of certain 1517-present Lutherans. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_popes https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_popes [2] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2016&version=NIV https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2016&ve... [3] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+cor+5%3A1&version=NIV https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+cor+5%3A1&ver... [4] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+5%3A1-10&version=NIV https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+5%3A1-10&v... [5] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+12%3A21-23&version=NIV https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+12%3A21-23...
satisfice 5y ago
Why did Jesus put his typing speed in his resume? He is clearly going for a leadership position. One of his skills is resurrection, which is a plus for hazardous occupations.
musicale 5y ago
Reject - doesn't seem to have kept his skills up-to-date. Also: poor cultural fit.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
kgeist 5y ago
I know it's a joke, but the complete lack of references to the Orthodox church is disappointing.

32 points by rishabhd 5y ago

Relevant 'Kids in the Hall' sketch: https://youtu.be/OclYAJhyNY0?t=23 https://youtu.be/OclYAJhyNY0?t=23

I was hoping it'd have a human generations worth of work on it. I've never seen a resume spanning 2000 years. Were there even pre-cursors to CVs/resumes then? A cursor search seems to trace resumes back to Davinci/'s time.

Apocryphon 5y ago
> I've never seen a resume spanning 2000 years. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSqexFg74F8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSqexFg74F8

UncleOxidant 5y ago

Mary Magdalene's job title (prostitute) is debatable. There's evidence to suggest this was something added later by patriarchal church leaders to try to minimize her contributions to the early church.

dundercoder 5y ago
Fortunately, I don't feel like whether it is true or not changes any doctrine. I am curious though.
- UncleOxidant 5y ago
  True, it doesn't seem as though any doctrines were harmed.

nineplay 5y ago

Did He lose His job as the head of the Catholic Church? It's certainly a question I'd ask at the interview.

JasonFruit 5y ago
It was more a matter of diverging priorities leading to an amicable separation.
- ydlr 5y ago
  I'd say he was "promoted" to an emeritis position, where he is invited to meetings and shares his opinions, but is mostly ignored as irelevent.

yakubin 5y ago

The position of "Head of Catholic Church" has been vacant for centuries, it seems. Also, the domain of Mary Magdalene's mail was seized by FBI (that or it's a prank).

easton 5y ago
backpage.com was a website for finding prostitutes until a couple years ago when it was seized. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backpage https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backpage

dundercoder 5y ago

I appreciate the author's ability to use levity without sacrilege. My current resume is 2 pages, and that's a recent adjustment. For the past 20 years or so I've kept it pared down to 1 page. It probably still could be if I removed some keyword padding for the resume scanners.

ipaddr 5y ago
Why? Are you trying to appear as a new grad? If you have 8 pages of work experience share it, just make sure your first page has a summary.
- version_five 5y ago
  As someone who has screened thousands of resumes, this is a terrible idea unless you're a government contractor or something where you need to give a full accounting of everything you did. If you can't summarize it in 1-2 pages, and you think every small thing you did is important, its already a red flag for most. At best it will just get ignored.
  - ipaddr 5y ago
    If I'm trying to get it past someone who is filtering thousands of resumes being able to quickly assess that I would be a good fit is important. The first page should tell the hr person immediately. The extra weight of a full resume with roles that match the position gives additional confidence pre-interview that carries through to the interview where the interview becomes a formality. That might be more important with smaller companies or smaller teams where finding someone they can trust who can perform the job is important and you do not have blind rounds of interviews with random teams not connected to the onboarding. Let the hiring manager fall in love with your resume by showing it to them.
  - squiffsquiff 5y ago
    My resume is 9 pages but I only supply it on request. Potential employers find me on LinkedIn. Automatic keyword matching leads to longer resumes. I'm afraid your approach is very much in the minority.

commandlinefan 5y ago

Considering how many writings from that time period/location exist and how influential Jesus was, the fact that no writings of his own have ever been found suggest that he ever wrote anything... so Jesus' actual resume would also have to say "prepared by..."

9front 5y ago
John 8:6-7 "Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground..."

hprotagonist 5y ago

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jesus_wanted_poster.jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jesus_wanted_poster.... Dressed poorly, _said_ to be a carpenter by trade. Ill-nourished, has visionary ideas, associates with common working people, the unemployed, and bums. Alien - believed to be a Jew. Aliases : 'Prince of Peace', 'Son of Man', 'Light of the world', &c &c. Professional agitator. Red beard. Marks on hands and feet, the result of injuries inflicted by an angry mob led by respectable citizens and legal authorities. Not exactly a resume, but ...

umvi 5y ago

Only 40 WPM? Ah, I guess that's why he prefers tablets.

bravoetch 5y ago

Nothing in there about being a life model for paintings and sculptures.

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]

dandotway 5y ago

> Head of Protestant Church, AD 1517-present I wish there were a united Protestant Church, but there are only Protestant churches. Perhaps by Church the author meant something more abstract like 'the hidden body of all believers in Christ'. But the author leaves out the Orthodox who split half a millennium before Luther. Perhaps the author thinks all those Russian Orthodox priests slaughtered by communists aren't hardcore Christian enough? Now there is a Lutheran Church (1517-present). What has become of it in 500 years? The Lutheran Church of Sweden recently removed an alterpiece by a lesbian artist depicting two gay couples and a transsexual in the Garden of Eden because they thought the lesbian's depiction of transsexuals was offensive: https://christianaction.org/top-stories-of-the-day/update-gay-altarpiece-to-be-removed-from-swedish-church-offensive-to-transsexuals/ https://christianaction.org/top-stories-of-the-day/update-ga... Does the author consider Jesus to be the head of this 1517-present Church? > Head of Catholic Church, AD 31-1516 Now there is such a thing as the Catholic Church (1st century AD-present). Who heads it? Catholics recite at each Mass the Nicene Creed affirming the Lord Jesus Christ sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. They don't celebrate a "Head Lord Pope" at Mass. You also won't find the sort of artwork many modern Lutherans fancy in any Catholic churches because the Catholic Church is pastored by the Bishop of Rome[1] (1st century AD-present) who was originally the Apostle Peter, who was succeeded by St. Linus, who was succeeded by St. Anacletus, all the way down to Franciscus (2013-present), and this head pastor doesn't let individual parishes completely go to hell. (Pun intended.) Just as Christ promised Peter when he handed him the Keys of the Kingdom (Matt 16:17-19) [2]. Yes, scandals happen in all churches, good and bad, and plenty have happened in the Catholic Church, including scandals early enough to be recorded in the New Testament. In 1 Cor 5:1 [3] a church member is called out for sleeping with his mother-in-law. In Acts 5:1-10 [4] two hypocrites, Ananias and Saphira, who pretend to give a larger share of their wealth than they really did in order to boost their status within the church, are struck dead by God. (This is one of those rare New Testament passages that shows that the Old Testament God that smites people dead is also the New Testament God. See Acts 12:23 [5] for another example.) TL;DR: there are over 2 billion Christians globally, spanning a 2000 year history since Christ walked the earth, but the author's insights about 'What Would Jesus Do' exclude most of them, but are perhaps at least inclusive enough to embrace the artistic tastes of certain 1517-present Lutherans. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_popes https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_popes [2] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2016&version=NIV https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2016&ve... [3] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+cor+5%3A1&version=NIV https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+cor+5%3A1&ver... [4] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+5%3A1-10&version=NIV https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+5%3A1-10&v... [5] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+12%3A21-23&version=NIV https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+12%3A21-23...

satisfice 5y ago

Why did Jesus put his typing speed in his resume? He is clearly going for a leadership position. One of his skills is resurrection, which is a plus for hazardous occupations.

musicale 5y ago

Reject - doesn't seem to have kept his skills up-to-date. Also: poor cultural fit.

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]

kgeist 5y ago

I know it's a joke, but the complete lack of references to the Orthodox church is disappointing.