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After discovering that I'm "poly", whatever that means, I realized that there is absolutely no point for me to "sever" my relationships or "break up" and transi

After discovering that I'm "poly", whatever that means, I realized that there is absolutely no point for me to "sever" my relationships or "break up" and transition tht person into an "ex". I've decided to keep all my relationships working and sustain them as much as possible, within sane reason. (I heard a poem read once about giving away the key to one's heart to someone, but refusing to change the lock, so that all previous keys continue to work.) This has been one of the most rewarding decisions of my life. I still wonder about the original purpose of our societal norms so strongly encouraging abandoning a just recently beautiful and supportive relationship just because it doesn't check all the boxes of "The One And Only".

spurgu 5y ago
> After discovering that I'm "poly" Interesting. How did you come to discover this?
- forgotmypw17 5y ago
  Ever since an early age (I mean pre-puberty) the idea of choosing "one and only, forever and ever" made little sense. I remember reading a story about a very limited open relationship when I was about 12, and thinking, gosh, why don't they open it up MORE instead of running away at first sign of difficulty? (The plot was that this couple had "base rules" that they could have sex with anyone they wanted, but ONLY ONCE, and NO FEELINGS ALLOWED. You can guess what happened.) Later, I just came to love more than one person, and after struggling with trying to make sense of it, I decided that I didn't want to choose, and I would do whatever it takes to make it work somehow. I started reading all sorts of books about making relationships work, and applying what I learned. I can't say it was easy, but it was much less painful and more rewarding than what to me seems like cutting off an arm because you can't be bothered to learn how to use it in coordination with your other arm. Later, I found out that my grandparents actually had somewhat of an open relationship, although it was obviously much more difficult back then and in a conservative society, so perhaps it is just in my genes?
  - harinoka 5y ago
    Sounds like an excuse to avoid making hard decisions.
    - forgotmypw17 5y ago
      I'm honored that you registered in order to reply to my comment. You're right, I avoid hard decisions, because usually they are the result of constrained thinking, and better alternatives are available if you open up your perspective. For example, when focused on trying to make a "hard decision" to choose Awesome Partner A vs. Awesome Partner B, it is easy to overlook the EASY decision to choose both.
higeorge13 5y ago
I don’t think it’s a recent societal norm, but is exaggerated due to existence of numerous means of communication. I suppose people in the past would suggest ‘ignore your ex’ and this would be 100% doable since you would have 0 chance of seeing or talking to her again unless you stepped at her door. Now you need to unfriend and block him from tens of different services, hence it slmost becomes like a game “why she blocked me? What did she post in ig? Who follows her in spotify?” etc. In any case i also share your question how people can put into a generic “my terrible exes” bucket even people that they loved deeply and could at least have some basic communication or interests in the future.
Iefthandrule 5y ago
If all of your exes are still significant parts of your life, how do you determine who will look after the kids when you are busy with work or aren't feeling well? Are they all willing to engage in major parental roles, and to take those roles seriously?
- forgotmypw17 5y ago
  Well, I can't say for sure, because I am not at that point, but I consider it a possibility and huge benefit. In fact, a two-parent family seems barely sustainable to me, precisely because of what you said: If one person so much as gets the flu, suddenly there's one adult taking care of both the kids and the recovering adult. With more than two on duty, it can significantly soften the impact. And, again, I technically don't have any "exes", only perhaps dormant relationships. :)
  - deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]

spurgu 5y ago

> After discovering that I'm "poly" Interesting. How did you come to discover this?

forgotmypw17 5y ago
Ever since an early age (I mean pre-puberty) the idea of choosing "one and only, forever and ever" made little sense. I remember reading a story about a very limited open relationship when I was about 12, and thinking, gosh, why don't they open it up MORE instead of running away at first sign of difficulty? (The plot was that this couple had "base rules" that they could have sex with anyone they wanted, but ONLY ONCE, and NO FEELINGS ALLOWED. You can guess what happened.) Later, I just came to love more than one person, and after struggling with trying to make sense of it, I decided that I didn't want to choose, and I would do whatever it takes to make it work somehow. I started reading all sorts of books about making relationships work, and applying what I learned. I can't say it was easy, but it was much less painful and more rewarding than what to me seems like cutting off an arm because you can't be bothered to learn how to use it in coordination with your other arm. Later, I found out that my grandparents actually had somewhat of an open relationship, although it was obviously much more difficult back then and in a conservative society, so perhaps it is just in my genes?
- harinoka 5y ago
  Sounds like an excuse to avoid making hard decisions.
  - forgotmypw17 5y ago
    I'm honored that you registered in order to reply to my comment. You're right, I avoid hard decisions, because usually they are the result of constrained thinking, and better alternatives are available if you open up your perspective. For example, when focused on trying to make a "hard decision" to choose Awesome Partner A vs. Awesome Partner B, it is easy to overlook the EASY decision to choose both.

higeorge13 5y ago

I don’t think it’s a recent societal norm, but is exaggerated due to existence of numerous means of communication. I suppose people in the past would suggest ‘ignore your ex’ and this would be 100% doable since you would have 0 chance of seeing or talking to her again unless you stepped at her door. Now you need to unfriend and block him from tens of different services, hence it slmost becomes like a game “why she blocked me? What did she post in ig? Who follows her in spotify?” etc. In any case i also share your question how people can put into a generic “my terrible exes” bucket even people that they loved deeply and could at least have some basic communication or interests in the future.

Iefthandrule 5y ago

If all of your exes are still significant parts of your life, how do you determine who will look after the kids when you are busy with work or aren't feeling well? Are they all willing to engage in major parental roles, and to take those roles seriously?

forgotmypw17 5y ago
Well, I can't say for sure, because I am not at that point, but I consider it a possibility and huge benefit. In fact, a two-parent family seems barely sustainable to me, precisely because of what you said: If one person so much as gets the flu, suddenly there's one adult taking care of both the kids and the recovering adult. With more than two on duty, it can significantly soften the impact. And, again, I technically don't have any "exes", only perhaps dormant relationships. :)
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]