4 ms·

I was hoping for something more conclusive. I have had two good friendships that lasted more than 2 years each. besides them, I feel like I've almost never had

I was hoping for something more conclusive. I have had two good friendships that lasted more than 2 years each. besides them, I feel like I've almost never had friends at all. I don't know if I can say they were romantic. the first one I miss so badly that I wonder if it was. the second one became romantic and now we are married. I terribly want the lifelong deep friendships that normal people seem to form accidentally. I don't know how to form them even on purpose.

codyb 5y ago
I can’t say it’ll work, and perhaps you’re already putting in the effort but (as long as it’s okay with your wife!) Some dating apps (Bumble, maybe Tinder?) have options for swiping for friends Other ways I’ve made friends include ski trips on big busses of people I don’t know, volunteer events, and travel tours I think the big key is putting yourself in situations where you’ll be in close proximity with other people you don’t know for an extended period of time, and saying hello Can’t say they’ve all been lifelong friendships (some have been as short as a meal and a number exchange that wasn’t followed up on, some have been many years then faded away, and some are still going strong) People are social. Ask questions about what they like to do, maybe give ‘em a little laugh if you can. Easier said than done certainly, and it’s entirely possible I’m a bit more gregarious than others (although you can practice that by having small conversations with cashiers, waiters, people at help desks. In the last few days people working those positions have told me about Halloween plans, bad customers and more, and they’re always happy to have a little break with someone who’s genuinely interested in how their day is going. It’s important to be genuine!) Take a shot! I believe in you :-). Can’t end up anywhere besides where you already are, but maybe with a few more experiences under your belt so it’s fairly low risk as long as you remember it’s not always your fault if someone is curt, or brusque, or outright rude at your attempt at outreach (sometime’s it’s cultural, sometime’s they’re just having a bad day, some people are very introverted, etc, sometime’s it is you! No reason to get hung up on that or assume it though, we all make mistakes) And certainly, easier said than done, and people have different situations for a variety of reasons. But still, you got this!
- Kalium 5y ago
  > Some dating apps (Bumble, maybe Tinder?) have options for swiping for friends Anecdotally, I usually hear about Bumble-friend-mode being used for gay dating. Perhaps the label might not always be accurate to the social purposes it is put.
  - codyb 5y ago
    That’s funny, I can’t say I’ve tried finding friends that way. Seems like you can just say you’re interested in the same sex? I guess some people are curious, or more insidiously, in a situation where closeted is how they feel best.
    - gattilorenz 5y ago
      no, there's a separate "friend mode" which in theory is only used for finding friend. I'm not 100% sure (never used the friend mode), but I guess you can specify sex also in that mode (of course that can be specified for the dating part of the app).
- the_only_law 5y ago
  I meet people all the time, maybe have a nice discussion. Most of the time it’s just a one off thing, at a bar, at a show, standing outside to smoke. Even when it is in a context when will see them again and even regularly, it’s more likely that they’ll be anything more than a very casual acquaintance or a friend who might occasionally prove me about some topic we discussed. I dont know quite how to put it, but most people I meet are not people that would really develop into friendship, we’re just too different. Not saying you need to be nearly identical to from a friendship, but most people I meet are just in radically different stages of live, with different priorities and approaches to relationships. It kinda sucks, because often I’ll meet cool people and have a nice convo, maybe even enjoy myself a bit, but it always feels incredibly empty afterwards.
alecst 5y ago
My friends are my number one priority in my life, and I let them know it. As for how I met them, it’s kind of all over the place, ranging from my fraternity, my university, my meditation group, rock climbing, WWOOFing, language exchange, etc. But I think we’re friends because we really add to each other’s lives. Whenever anyone seemed interesting to me, whether it was because of the music they made, their opinions, their talents, their sense of humor, I always made an effort to keep in touch. And then time does the rest of the work. Looking around you there’s almost certainly someone you can form a lasting relationship with. Don’t be afraid to talk to people and get the ball rolling. “Wanna go for a walk? There’s a really nice view around the corner that I can show you.” I’m wishing you the best man. Reach out to me privately if you want, I’m happy to talk more and I have plenty of time these days.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- lotsofpulp 5y ago
  > But I think we’re friends because we really add to each other’s lives. Being able to offer something is a necessity. Whether it be making someone feel good, or having useful skills or knowledge, or humor, or even connections. But no one wants to be around someone that complains all the time, or is a Debbie downer, or otherwise does not make you feel good. At least not in the “making friends” phase.
- Dig1t 5y ago
  >Don't be afraid to talk to people This is so true, I like to think I've always been good at making solid, lasting friendships in my life, I have quite a few. One thing that helped me that I used to do, and I didn't realize that this was possibly awkward for the recipient, was to just call them and start talking about something. I realize in hindsight that it was probably weird for them to get a random phone call from me and to have the point of the conversation to just talk about random stuff that I found interesting, but I'm also convinced that it is a big reason that I'm still such good friends with several people.
  - 5y ago
mathattack 5y ago
For me the two sources of friends have been: - Shared work/school experience of people my own age - Hobbies They do get tougher with age.
screye 5y ago
Imo, close friendships often begin by witnessing mutual discomfort in the presence of a common hardship. It is so much easier to be vulnerable around someone who has already seen you at your lowest or most embarrassing and that you know doesn't respond with ridicule. It is no coincidence that 3 of my closest friendships were formed during my most embarrassing freshman year of university. We certainly laughed with each other when things went south, but we rarely laughed at each other and that meant so much. After that, it is all about quality time. The more quality time you spend with them the deeper the bonds form. It's kinda like, if they know your trauma, they know you. So, how do you make close friends as a working adult? 1. "Trauma Dog Whistling". Ok, hear me out. No one wants to be the crybaby with no filter, but smart allusions or comic punchlines with regards to common forms of trauma helps peel the first few layers of the emotional onion that they've become by the time they are in the workforce. You can similarly do some "niche interest dog whistling" to find one of your community, but I personally find that having similar interests has very little to do with forming close friendships. 2. "Signal non-transactional nature" Help them when you don't need to. This one is straight forward. A fundamental facet of a close friendship is that it stops being objectively transactional. (just like any other close sibling, romantic, parent relationship). Explicitly showing it is like showing your trust in an investment by not asking for any voting rights. 3. The long, silent activity : This is very men focused, but nothing makes men want to open up like silence and a distracting primary activity. Whether that be gaming on a couch or a long hike. Many of my close friendships have solidified through such "long-silent-talking is secondary" activities. 4. Throw rocks at the footsteps of their glass house : This is the final step of building trust. Everyone wants their friends to know their boundaries well. Overstep it and trust is breached. Stay too far away and you come across as distant. A great friend will routinely walk the line. Their jokes, comments & intimacy will reach right up to your border and then they will retreat. You may not explicitly realize this, but it strongly conveys to your subconscious, that this person 'knows' me. 5. Give them a role : So now you have a good friend, how do you keep them ? It sounds robotic, but give them a role. The person you go to for X, or talk to about X, or the one who does X that's really cool and I like hearing about it every 3 months. It gives you an excuse to call after they inevitably move away. It gives you an excuse to turn up with the excuse of the 'role'. You really want to meet them, but men are too uncomfortable saying that outright. The role is a nice excuse to skirt around the discomfort. Ofc, your friend will be hopefully reciprocating by indulging in some of these steps. Eventually, you will have a long lasting friendship that both of you will feel fortunate for. :)
tekno45 5y ago
I find assuming you're friends helps. I meet somebody and we have a good chat, oh i need my friends number. Not a strangers.
CodeWriter23 5y ago
The initial connection may be random or "accidental". But friendships require work. Meeting up, hanging out, phone conversations all require some initiative to reach out and set something up (that's the work part). It won't feel like effort in a friendship but the commitment to staying in touch is key. Also @ReactiveJelly, the long lost friend you mention (assuming he/she is still alive), just reach out. With true friends, no amount of time or distance can diminish the bond. Speaking from multiple experiences. If you fucked it up somehow, make amends. A good friend is worth it.

codyb 5y ago

I can’t say it’ll work, and perhaps you’re already putting in the effort but (as long as it’s okay with your wife!) Some dating apps (Bumble, maybe Tinder?) have options for swiping for friends Other ways I’ve made friends include ski trips on big busses of people I don’t know, volunteer events, and travel tours I think the big key is putting yourself in situations where you’ll be in close proximity with other people you don’t know for an extended period of time, and saying hello Can’t say they’ve all been lifelong friendships (some have been as short as a meal and a number exchange that wasn’t followed up on, some have been many years then faded away, and some are still going strong) People are social. Ask questions about what they like to do, maybe give ‘em a little laugh if you can. Easier said than done certainly, and it’s entirely possible I’m a bit more gregarious than others (although you can practice that by having small conversations with cashiers, waiters, people at help desks. In the last few days people working those positions have told me about Halloween plans, bad customers and more, and they’re always happy to have a little break with someone who’s genuinely interested in how their day is going. It’s important to be genuine!) Take a shot! I believe in you :-). Can’t end up anywhere besides where you already are, but maybe with a few more experiences under your belt so it’s fairly low risk as long as you remember it’s not always your fault if someone is curt, or brusque, or outright rude at your attempt at outreach (sometime’s it’s cultural, sometime’s they’re just having a bad day, some people are very introverted, etc, sometime’s it is you! No reason to get hung up on that or assume it though, we all make mistakes) And certainly, easier said than done, and people have different situations for a variety of reasons. But still, you got this!

Kalium 5y ago
> Some dating apps (Bumble, maybe Tinder?) have options for swiping for friends Anecdotally, I usually hear about Bumble-friend-mode being used for gay dating. Perhaps the label might not always be accurate to the social purposes it is put.
- codyb 5y ago
  That’s funny, I can’t say I’ve tried finding friends that way. Seems like you can just say you’re interested in the same sex? I guess some people are curious, or more insidiously, in a situation where closeted is how they feel best.
  - gattilorenz 5y ago
    no, there's a separate "friend mode" which in theory is only used for finding friend. I'm not 100% sure (never used the friend mode), but I guess you can specify sex also in that mode (of course that can be specified for the dating part of the app).
the_only_law 5y ago
I meet people all the time, maybe have a nice discussion. Most of the time it’s just a one off thing, at a bar, at a show, standing outside to smoke. Even when it is in a context when will see them again and even regularly, it’s more likely that they’ll be anything more than a very casual acquaintance or a friend who might occasionally prove me about some topic we discussed. I dont know quite how to put it, but most people I meet are not people that would really develop into friendship, we’re just too different. Not saying you need to be nearly identical to from a friendship, but most people I meet are just in radically different stages of live, with different priorities and approaches to relationships. It kinda sucks, because often I’ll meet cool people and have a nice convo, maybe even enjoy myself a bit, but it always feels incredibly empty afterwards.

alecst 5y ago

My friends are my number one priority in my life, and I let them know it. As for how I met them, it’s kind of all over the place, ranging from my fraternity, my university, my meditation group, rock climbing, WWOOFing, language exchange, etc. But I think we’re friends because we really add to each other’s lives. Whenever anyone seemed interesting to me, whether it was because of the music they made, their opinions, their talents, their sense of humor, I always made an effort to keep in touch. And then time does the rest of the work. Looking around you there’s almost certainly someone you can form a lasting relationship with. Don’t be afraid to talk to people and get the ball rolling. “Wanna go for a walk? There’s a really nice view around the corner that I can show you.” I’m wishing you the best man. Reach out to me privately if you want, I’m happy to talk more and I have plenty of time these days.

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
lotsofpulp 5y ago
> But I think we’re friends because we really add to each other’s lives. Being able to offer something is a necessity. Whether it be making someone feel good, or having useful skills or knowledge, or humor, or even connections. But no one wants to be around someone that complains all the time, or is a Debbie downer, or otherwise does not make you feel good. At least not in the “making friends” phase.
Dig1t 5y ago
>Don't be afraid to talk to people This is so true, I like to think I've always been good at making solid, lasting friendships in my life, I have quite a few. One thing that helped me that I used to do, and I didn't realize that this was possibly awkward for the recipient, was to just call them and start talking about something. I realize in hindsight that it was probably weird for them to get a random phone call from me and to have the point of the conversation to just talk about random stuff that I found interesting, but I'm also convinced that it is a big reason that I'm still such good friends with several people.
- 5y ago

mathattack 5y ago

For me the two sources of friends have been: - Shared work/school experience of people my own age - Hobbies They do get tougher with age.

screye 5y ago

Imo, close friendships often begin by witnessing mutual discomfort in the presence of a common hardship. It is so much easier to be vulnerable around someone who has already seen you at your lowest or most embarrassing and that you know doesn't respond with ridicule. It is no coincidence that 3 of my closest friendships were formed during my most embarrassing freshman year of university. We certainly laughed with each other when things went south, but we rarely laughed at each other and that meant so much. After that, it is all about quality time. The more quality time you spend with them the deeper the bonds form. It's kinda like, if they know your trauma, they know you. So, how do you make close friends as a working adult? 1. "Trauma Dog Whistling". Ok, hear me out. No one wants to be the crybaby with no filter, but smart allusions or comic punchlines with regards to common forms of trauma helps peel the first few layers of the emotional onion that they've become by the time they are in the workforce. You can similarly do some "niche interest dog whistling" to find one of your community, but I personally find that having similar interests has very little to do with forming close friendships. 2. "Signal non-transactional nature" Help them when you don't need to. This one is straight forward. A fundamental facet of a close friendship is that it stops being objectively transactional. (just like any other close sibling, romantic, parent relationship). Explicitly showing it is like showing your trust in an investment by not asking for any voting rights. 3. The long, silent activity : This is very men focused, but nothing makes men want to open up like silence and a distracting primary activity. Whether that be gaming on a couch or a long hike. Many of my close friendships have solidified through such "long-silent-talking is secondary" activities. 4. Throw rocks at the footsteps of their glass house : This is the final step of building trust. Everyone wants their friends to know their boundaries well. Overstep it and trust is breached. Stay too far away and you come across as distant. A great friend will routinely walk the line. Their jokes, comments & intimacy will reach right up to your border and then they will retreat. You may not explicitly realize this, but it strongly conveys to your subconscious, that this person 'knows' me. 5. Give them a role : So now you have a good friend, how do you keep them ? It sounds robotic, but give them a role. The person you go to for X, or talk to about X, or the one who does X that's really cool and I like hearing about it every 3 months. It gives you an excuse to call after they inevitably move away. It gives you an excuse to turn up with the excuse of the 'role'. You really want to meet them, but men are too uncomfortable saying that outright. The role is a nice excuse to skirt around the discomfort. Ofc, your friend will be hopefully reciprocating by indulging in some of these steps. Eventually, you will have a long lasting friendship that both of you will feel fortunate for. :)

tekno45 5y ago

I find assuming you're friends helps. I meet somebody and we have a good chat, oh i need my friends number. Not a strangers.

CodeWriter23 5y ago

The initial connection may be random or "accidental". But friendships require work. Meeting up, hanging out, phone conversations all require some initiative to reach out and set something up (that's the work part). It won't feel like effort in a friendship but the commitment to staying in touch is key. Also @ReactiveJelly, the long lost friend you mention (assuming he/she is still alive), just reach out. With true friends, no amount of time or distance can diminish the bond. Speaking from multiple experiences. If you fucked it up somehow, make amends. A good friend is worth it.