4 ms·

What Becoming a Parent Does to Your Happiness

10 points by anarbadalov 5y ago

WarOnPrivacy 5y ago
In the US, some things seem designed to sabotage parenting happiness - and kids' well being. One thing: False messaging about stranger kidnapping risks; it creates unwarranted fear and that profoundly changes parenting. Kids are generally very safe (per FBI's very diligent stats) on their own. However, LEO and media continually mash common custodial dispute and runaway numbers with super rare stranger kidnappings and present a level of risk that is nearly a lie. Compounding this is news reporting of distant tragedies as if they occurred in our own community. Another thing is the extinction of free ranging for kids and the critical life skills (independence, interdependence, problem solving) they learned there. We've replaced free range areas with walls of no trespassing signs and swapped necessary unsupervised time with a constant adult presence. Elementary age kids need an increasing amount of time w/o adults to learn how to function. We've robbed them of ~all of that and opted to pointlessly exhaust adults instead. Why? Apparently to feed a patently false LEO/Media narrative that kids alone are in immediate danger of harm. ref: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-wisconsin-missinggirl-data-idUSKCN1P52BJ https://www.reuters.com/article/us-wisconsin-missinggirl-dat...
- pmdulaney 5y ago
  In the internet age we've developed a really warped sense of risk. We won't let the kids play in the yard by themselves, but we'll take a three-day backpacking trip in the winter without fully considering the risks of hypothermia.
tmnstr85 5y ago
This article completely brushes over the fact that not all children end up leaving the house. what about children with a lifetime of complex special needs. What should happen to those children and parents, is it even worth it?
- WarOnPrivacy 5y ago
  Not just special needs any more. I live with my 5 adult sons because 4 incomes is the new minimum to afford basic living expenses. I don't see this changing anytime soon.
c22 5y ago
We were pretty happy with our children until we got to k-12 and society started expecting us to wake up often before the sun rises just in order to be prepared and on time to school. Now everyone is tired all the time and yelling at each other. I think a lot of society's day-to-day schedules are set by old farts who have already been up 2-3 times before dawn to urinate anyway and don't realize that younger humans, and especially adolescents, are just working with a different circadian rhythm.
- spaceisballer 5y ago
  The early times middle school and high schools kids need to be at school is terrible. Not to mention numerous studies showing the impact of sleep on academic abilities. Let the kids sleep in. My kids start school by 8:45am. They seem to love it and aren’t sleepy, they don’t need an alarm but they are young.
- phone8675309 5y ago
  The world is run by morning people because we were all asleep when they took power.
spicyusername 5y ago
Everybody wants to focus on how miserable raising an infant is or how great being single and having your weekends free is, but the discussion of what makes a fulfilling life always gets left out of this discussion. Being a parent is one of the most difficult processes you can undertake, but, at least in my experience, it is by far one of the most constantly rewarding, fulfilling, and satisfying things you can do. Do I wish I could take a two-week vacation any time I want without needing to move mountains to arrange the delicate logistics of babysitting? Obviously. Would I trade that for the warm, rich, and socially complex environment where I feel deeply connected to those around me and where I feel like I can make a real, immediate, tangible difference in the world. Of course not. So much of modern life has shed the human parts over the course of history and is now devoid of the intangible human essence that provides the ingredients for a good life. Parenting is one of the few remaining undertakings that hasn't lost what makes being a human being around other human beings so special.
- France_is_bacon 5y ago
  >it is by far one of the most constantly rewarding, fulfilling, and satisfying things you can do. Sure. If you have a good kid. If you have a kid chronically getting into problems, fights, drugs, screaming matches with you, etc, you might be singing a different tune. get. And, it's something you or the child can't help. It's all determined by genetics, at least 50% I've read, but I personally think it's more. I mean, two children to the same married couple, everything identical. The first kid right shortly after birth, maybe 6 months, is always happy, smiling, gurgling, sleeps through the night, holds arms up to anyone in order to get picked up. A baby that everyone loves. The next kid cries all the time, distrusting, doesn't want to get picked up, as gets old, hides behind parents' lets when a new person comes in, never smiles. Despite everything the parents to to help. And both of them are like this way from birth. So it has to be genetics rather than learned behavior. Plus, if you have boys right now, that would be even worse luck. Only 40% of males are going to university, constantly sexually harass women, make for toxic workplace environments, etc. They will consistently get the message that they are are toxic and the cause of everything wrong in the world. And since mine would be white children, you get the whole white male children are 100X worse than climate change, murder, disease put together, and are probably the source of the pandemic, tsunamis, and volcanoes that have killed millions of people already. So they would give up on life and sit around playing video games in your house until they are 45 years old. That's why I never would have children. Knowing my luck, the "bad" child is the exact child that I would get. Probably two in a row, though. Life would be hell on earth for 18+ years, in the prime of one's life.
rogerkirkness 5y ago
I am more happy and more unhappy now that I have kids. To me, they are separate, and I am much more happy, while being marginally more unhappy. YMMV.

10 points by anarbadalov 5y ago

In the US, some things seem designed to sabotage parenting happiness - and kids' well being. One thing: False messaging about stranger kidnapping risks; it creates unwarranted fear and that profoundly changes parenting. Kids are generally very safe (per FBI's very diligent stats) on their own. However, LEO and media continually mash common custodial dispute and runaway numbers with super rare stranger kidnappings and present a level of risk that is nearly a lie. Compounding this is news reporting of distant tragedies as if they occurred in our own community. Another thing is the extinction of free ranging for kids and the critical life skills (independence, interdependence, problem solving) they learned there. We've replaced free range areas with walls of no trespassing signs and swapped necessary unsupervised time with a constant adult presence. Elementary age kids need an increasing amount of time w/o adults to learn how to function. We've robbed them of ~all of that and opted to pointlessly exhaust adults instead. Why? Apparently to feed a patently false LEO/Media narrative that kids alone are in immediate danger of harm. ref: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-wisconsin-missinggirl-data-idUSKCN1P52BJ https://www.reuters.com/article/us-wisconsin-missinggirl-dat...

pmdulaney 5y ago
In the internet age we've developed a really warped sense of risk. We won't let the kids play in the yard by themselves, but we'll take a three-day backpacking trip in the winter without fully considering the risks of hypothermia.

tmnstr85 5y ago

This article completely brushes over the fact that not all children end up leaving the house. what about children with a lifetime of complex special needs. What should happen to those children and parents, is it even worth it?

WarOnPrivacy 5y ago
Not just special needs any more. I live with my 5 adult sons because 4 incomes is the new minimum to afford basic living expenses. I don't see this changing anytime soon.

c22 5y ago

We were pretty happy with our children until we got to k-12 and society started expecting us to wake up often before the sun rises just in order to be prepared and on time to school. Now everyone is tired all the time and yelling at each other. I think a lot of society's day-to-day schedules are set by old farts who have already been up 2-3 times before dawn to urinate anyway and don't realize that younger humans, and especially adolescents, are just working with a different circadian rhythm.

spaceisballer 5y ago
The early times middle school and high schools kids need to be at school is terrible. Not to mention numerous studies showing the impact of sleep on academic abilities. Let the kids sleep in. My kids start school by 8:45am. They seem to love it and aren’t sleepy, they don’t need an alarm but they are young.
phone8675309 5y ago
The world is run by morning people because we were all asleep when they took power.

spicyusername 5y ago

Everybody wants to focus on how miserable raising an infant is or how great being single and having your weekends free is, but the discussion of what makes a fulfilling life always gets left out of this discussion. Being a parent is one of the most difficult processes you can undertake, but, at least in my experience, it is by far one of the most constantly rewarding, fulfilling, and satisfying things you can do. Do I wish I could take a two-week vacation any time I want without needing to move mountains to arrange the delicate logistics of babysitting? Obviously. Would I trade that for the warm, rich, and socially complex environment where I feel deeply connected to those around me and where I feel like I can make a real, immediate, tangible difference in the world. Of course not. So much of modern life has shed the human parts over the course of history and is now devoid of the intangible human essence that provides the ingredients for a good life. Parenting is one of the few remaining undertakings that hasn't lost what makes being a human being around other human beings so special.

France_is_bacon 5y ago
>it is by far one of the most constantly rewarding, fulfilling, and satisfying things you can do. Sure. If you have a good kid. If you have a kid chronically getting into problems, fights, drugs, screaming matches with you, etc, you might be singing a different tune. get. And, it's something you or the child can't help. It's all determined by genetics, at least 50% I've read, but I personally think it's more. I mean, two children to the same married couple, everything identical. The first kid right shortly after birth, maybe 6 months, is always happy, smiling, gurgling, sleeps through the night, holds arms up to anyone in order to get picked up. A baby that everyone loves. The next kid cries all the time, distrusting, doesn't want to get picked up, as gets old, hides behind parents' lets when a new person comes in, never smiles. Despite everything the parents to to help. And both of them are like this way from birth. So it has to be genetics rather than learned behavior. Plus, if you have boys right now, that would be even worse luck. Only 40% of males are going to university, constantly sexually harass women, make for toxic workplace environments, etc. They will consistently get the message that they are are toxic and the cause of everything wrong in the world. And since mine would be white children, you get the whole white male children are 100X worse than climate change, murder, disease put together, and are probably the source of the pandemic, tsunamis, and volcanoes that have killed millions of people already. So they would give up on life and sit around playing video games in your house until they are 45 years old. That's why I never would have children. Knowing my luck, the "bad" child is the exact child that I would get. Probably two in a row, though. Life would be hell on earth for 18+ years, in the prime of one's life.

rogerkirkness 5y ago

I am more happy and more unhappy now that I have kids. To me, they are separate, and I am much more happy, while being marginally more unhappy. YMMV.