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> it's not about how good you are at your job. You just have to be liked The sad part is that many of us struggle with social interactions and end up being unl

> it's not about how good you are at your job. You just have to be liked The sad part is that many of us struggle with social interactions and end up being unliked despite our best efforts. No one cares about what you achieve, unless it's useful for them, or if they just like you because you "have it".

gameswithgo 5y ago
There are those of us out there, teams and companies, who notice yall, don't give up hope! Especially in software/tech you can find places where people understand.
darthvoldemort 5y ago
You don't have to be a social butterfly to be liked. You just mainly shouldn't be an asshole. And the key is to consistently not be an asshole, otherwise those things will accumulate and you will eventually get rejected. (I'm not accusing you of being an asshole.) If you're nice 90% of the time, but lash out or say shitty things 10% of the time, that's more than enough to get eventually rejected. My son, unfortunately, is like this. 95% a sweet kid but 5% really, really shitty and saying mean things. We are working on it. He started out immensely popular but over the course of this school year, his classmates look at him lukewarm now, instead of being his close friends, and it's entirely his issue.
- ttfkam 5y ago
  In personal interactions, be on average at least 20% kinder/more considerate than you think is necessary to account for subjective bias.
- BlargMcLarg 5y ago
  >You just mainly shouldn't be an asshole. This sounds so obvious on paper, but in my own experience, things have definitely shifted to include more traits and lower intensity of those traits as "asshole traits". I have no doubt many critical people who do not sugarcoat things and do not spend time trying to curry favor, despite staying stoic and civil, are often seen as negative and told to "be more outgoing / positive / extroverted / etc." Not only does that go against just not going out of one's way to upset people, it also shows the boundaries of what is / isn't an "asshole" can change over time.
  - NikolaeVarius 5y ago
    I have been told multiple times by HR, that people have become upset at communications with me. However, no one has ever informed me of what exactly I said was wrong, or what do I need to fix, its been infuriating since I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Even when I ask what they want me to do, there is no real feedback. I try very hard to remove all emotion and personal judgement with my interactions and treat everyone exactly the same. What is wrong with that.
    - darthvoldemort 5y ago
      Have you asked your coworkers for advice? One thing you have to accept is that there is a problem with the way you communicate. People would not be going to HR if you were as unemotional as you think. So seek out advice and honest feedback from your friends, your coworkers and your family. Maybe you can find an expert in communications that can point out what the flaws are and how to correct them. But DO NOT sweep this under the rug. There is a problem here, and it sounds like no one wants to help you fix it. That's probably another indication that there's a pretty bad problem.
    - abdullahkhalids 5y ago
      > I try very hard to remove all emotion and personal judgement with my interactions and treat everyone exactly the same. What is wrong with that. This is perhaps not the best way for a lot of scenarios. Read a book like How to Win Friends and Influence People. Take every person you work with and list out their best qualities, list out what excites them (work wise and personally as far as you know). Keep these at the forefront of your mind when you talk to them. Have interactions with them within this context. People like being appreciated, like knowing that others recognize their good qualities. Do it.
    - Nasrudith 5y ago
      To be frank HR people are certifiably insane - they think people who show they can deceive them in body languahe better are more trustworthy. There is no sugarcoating just how utterly batshit that notion is - even before pointing out that is literally how sociopaths operate!
Foobar8568 5y ago
It's more how to put up with liars, bullshitters, scam artists, fraud people, sexual harassers, but hey, they are the nicest bunch of folks, if you raise your voice, you aren't a team player or not in the cultural fit.

gameswithgo 5y ago

There are those of us out there, teams and companies, who notice yall, don't give up hope! Especially in software/tech you can find places where people understand.

darthvoldemort 5y ago

You don't have to be a social butterfly to be liked. You just mainly shouldn't be an asshole. And the key is to consistently not be an asshole, otherwise those things will accumulate and you will eventually get rejected. (I'm not accusing you of being an asshole.) If you're nice 90% of the time, but lash out or say shitty things 10% of the time, that's more than enough to get eventually rejected. My son, unfortunately, is like this. 95% a sweet kid but 5% really, really shitty and saying mean things. We are working on it. He started out immensely popular but over the course of this school year, his classmates look at him lukewarm now, instead of being his close friends, and it's entirely his issue.

ttfkam 5y ago
In personal interactions, be on average at least 20% kinder/more considerate than you think is necessary to account for subjective bias.
BlargMcLarg 5y ago
>You just mainly shouldn't be an asshole. This sounds so obvious on paper, but in my own experience, things have definitely shifted to include more traits and lower intensity of those traits as "asshole traits". I have no doubt many critical people who do not sugarcoat things and do not spend time trying to curry favor, despite staying stoic and civil, are often seen as negative and told to "be more outgoing / positive / extroverted / etc." Not only does that go against just not going out of one's way to upset people, it also shows the boundaries of what is / isn't an "asshole" can change over time.
- NikolaeVarius 5y ago
  I have been told multiple times by HR, that people have become upset at communications with me. However, no one has ever informed me of what exactly I said was wrong, or what do I need to fix, its been infuriating since I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. Even when I ask what they want me to do, there is no real feedback. I try very hard to remove all emotion and personal judgement with my interactions and treat everyone exactly the same. What is wrong with that.
  - darthvoldemort 5y ago
    Have you asked your coworkers for advice? One thing you have to accept is that there is a problem with the way you communicate. People would not be going to HR if you were as unemotional as you think. So seek out advice and honest feedback from your friends, your coworkers and your family. Maybe you can find an expert in communications that can point out what the flaws are and how to correct them. But DO NOT sweep this under the rug. There is a problem here, and it sounds like no one wants to help you fix it. That's probably another indication that there's a pretty bad problem.
  - abdullahkhalids 5y ago
    > I try very hard to remove all emotion and personal judgement with my interactions and treat everyone exactly the same. What is wrong with that. This is perhaps not the best way for a lot of scenarios. Read a book like How to Win Friends and Influence People. Take every person you work with and list out their best qualities, list out what excites them (work wise and personally as far as you know). Keep these at the forefront of your mind when you talk to them. Have interactions with them within this context. People like being appreciated, like knowing that others recognize their good qualities. Do it.
  - Nasrudith 5y ago
    To be frank HR people are certifiably insane - they think people who show they can deceive them in body languahe better are more trustworthy. There is no sugarcoating just how utterly batshit that notion is - even before pointing out that is literally how sociopaths operate!

Foobar8568 5y ago

It's more how to put up with liars, bullshitters, scam artists, fraud people, sexual harassers, but hey, they are the nicest bunch of folks, if you raise your voice, you aren't a team player or not in the cultural fit.