6 ms·

I'm a software developer. I don't know about the rest of the community but for me someone being in tech is, if not a disqualifier, something very close to it.

by bedobi 5y ago

I'm a software developer. I don't know about the rest of the community but for me someone being in tech is, if not a disqualifier, something very close to it. I have no real reason or justification! I guess maybe I'm just techy enough as is and prefer other qualities in a partner.

maerF0x0 5y ago
Funny enough, my anecdata has been the inverse. Thats is being a software engineer has been sufficient evidence for people to walk away without even getting to know me. Which is definitely interesting because I've had people say "I cant believe you're an engineer, you're nothing like the other engineers I know" outside my work context.
- tiborsaas 5y ago
  Are you me? Once I couldn't convince a girl that I'm a nerd. A colleague of mine dated a really hot girl from Tinder and I asked him if he told her that he's a software engineer. - Not yet, came the answer :)
- robocat 5y ago
  Wow - that is still happening? The initial interest followed by that sudden glazed disinterest as soon as they find out your job. Or is it location based where they have formed a stereotype from previous encounters? I had thought a well paying job would be a good start to a relationship (enough money does prevent a lot of problems). Personally I don’t like judgmental people (I’m meta-judgemental) so it usually has been no great issue to be ignored.
  - deathanatos 5y ago
    Happened to me when I was in college, ~a decade ago. As soon as the major was known, disinterest. Was judged by the cover. People still even assume that I must wear contacts, because I guess nerd == glasses, and they don't see glasses, ergo contacts? Like, nope… I just don't require those.
  - Uberphallus 5y ago
    Not dating since a few years, but living near a tech hub, the 20-30 year old population was 1.4:1 men to women. You could imagine it was tough, but most single men in that age bracket were stereotypical socially unaware software engineers. Just don't talk anything nerdy and you're golden. "I can't believe you work at BigTech!" I don't think that's changed. +30yo is a different subject, though, most stereotypes are ironed out by then.
blackoil 5y ago
Plus we have so many additional risks of confrontation. Space vs Tabs, Vim vs Emacs, Deb vs Rpm...
- roland35 5y ago
  All things which have torn apart relationships
NikolaNovak 5y ago
I once dated a lovely beautiful nerdy funny intelligent successful software engineer. Our first five dates were awesome. So much agreement and joy and commonality. Instant connection and camaraderie. Further on we realized we didn't bring enough to relationship. We didn't want the"gender I'm attracted version of myself". We each wanted somebody to bring new perspectives, challenge us in ways that work and nerdy friends don't, to talk about not work after work, or at least different work, etc. Ultimately even somebody to disagree with us. After a few similar experiences, it's not that I ever actively avoided a software engineer partner, it's just that they never seemed to last long. Love of my life is English major with career in retail and home depot / Canadian tire store manager. She brings softer , more emotionally intelligent, people oriented side to our family. I'm the annoying pedantic literal obsessive nerdy one :-D. Works well! Edit : All of my close developer friends are similarly married to arts major types. Interestingly, I now realize, great many of my acquaintance developer friends have nerdy or techu partners. Wonder what variables are at place but definitely to each their own!
- InitialLastName 5y ago
  I'm in the same boat; my household is certainly much more resilient and effective with a technically-focused, detail-oriented engineer and an emotionally intelligent human-oriented teacher in it than it would be with two of me (we certainly have better relationships with our neighbors and community this way, at the very least).
- leetcrew 5y ago
  I had a similar experience dating someone in the field, though it went on a bit longer. for me it was just kinda rough to come home from a day of working on software to talk to my SO about their problems with software. great person, but it was an exhausting relationship. on the other hand, most of my friends also do software stuff and we enjoy complaining to each other about work. I guess maybe the difference is you can say "not now" to a friend more easily than a partner.
  - Seattle3503 5y ago
    I'm in this situation now. I'll have a bad day, then my partner comes home and dumps her bad day on top of mine. I don't know to handle it, because if I ask her to stop she sulks. It means I don't care about her bad day.
afavour 5y ago
This was one of the reasons I moved to NYC many years ago over Silicon Valley. No doubt the career opportunities in SV would have been greater but the diversity in company (both friendly and romantic) has a lot going for it.
bad_good_guy 5y ago
I have just learned I'm the same way. I had actually never thought about it, but I had an unexpected physical negative reaction when I saw the stats on software developers so often pairing with other software developers. Just something about it turns my stomach. I hope its not some internalised misogyny, as I have no similar response to idea of a partner in any other high skilled job, such as physician, or barrister, or researcher, etc.
- rpmisms 5y ago
  I definitely wouldn't want to date me, and I'm a pretty generic SWE. I think many of us are low in empathy, and seek out partners who have more empathy. A natural balance, so to speak.
mabbo 5y ago
You're crazy. My wife is an engineer and I'm a software developer. We make so much money. Want to know a great way to keep a relationship together? Never worry about money ever.
- paulryanrogers 5y ago
  Money helps. Though IME there are intangibles like agreement over how to raise the kids or at least flexibility in how to resolve challenges.
- xyzelement 5y ago
  I agree that having money is great - but are you actually saying that the best relationship is one where combined income is maximized? Is there no room in your utility function for mutual growth, sum being larger than the parts, etc?
  - therealdrag0 5y ago
    People are really stereotyping in this thread. There can still be a lot of variance in engineering. Furthermore engineers aren’t robots; my engineer-partner does-pottery, and engineer-me has a liberal arts degree.
  - mabbo 5y ago
    No, we're also super compatible as well. There's more to it than money. I just think that a lot of couples have problems and disputes that would not exist if they had money to throw at the problem to make it go away. Like a lot of stressful problems in life, marriage or otherwise. To steal a line from comedian Daniel Tosh: "Money doesn't buy happiness. Isn't that what people say? Money doesn't buy happiness? I dunno if that's true or not- I don't have any money. I'll tell you what I have learned. Poverty doesn't buy happiness. That I'm positive of."[0] It's also important to me that my wife is not dependent on me. She makes enough money that if I were an asshole she could walk out the door and never once worry about how she'll get by. Which means she is in this relationship because she wants to be. [0]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brDCVWzL2Gg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brDCVWzL2Gg
globular-toast 5y ago
When I first became interested in having a girlfriend I thought I wanted to find a girl who was just like me but in a female body. I would become infatuated with any girl who was remotely attractive and showed similar interests to me, like programming, cycling, gaming etc. I've since realised there is not a single woman in the world who is into things like I'm into them, and it's better that way because I value more than just their body.

by bedobi 5y ago

maerF0x0 5y ago

Funny enough, my anecdata has been the inverse. Thats is being a software engineer has been sufficient evidence for people to walk away without even getting to know me. Which is definitely interesting because I've had people say "I cant believe you're an engineer, you're nothing like the other engineers I know" outside my work context.

tiborsaas 5y ago
Are you me? Once I couldn't convince a girl that I'm a nerd. A colleague of mine dated a really hot girl from Tinder and I asked him if he told her that he's a software engineer. - Not yet, came the answer :)
robocat 5y ago
Wow - that is still happening? The initial interest followed by that sudden glazed disinterest as soon as they find out your job. Or is it location based where they have formed a stereotype from previous encounters? I had thought a well paying job would be a good start to a relationship (enough money does prevent a lot of problems). Personally I don’t like judgmental people (I’m meta-judgemental) so it usually has been no great issue to be ignored.
- deathanatos 5y ago
  Happened to me when I was in college, ~a decade ago. As soon as the major was known, disinterest. Was judged by the cover. People still even assume that I must wear contacts, because I guess nerd == glasses, and they don't see glasses, ergo contacts? Like, nope… I just don't require those.
- Uberphallus 5y ago
  Not dating since a few years, but living near a tech hub, the 20-30 year old population was 1.4:1 men to women. You could imagine it was tough, but most single men in that age bracket were stereotypical socially unaware software engineers. Just don't talk anything nerdy and you're golden. "I can't believe you work at BigTech!" I don't think that's changed. +30yo is a different subject, though, most stereotypes are ironed out by then.

blackoil 5y ago

Plus we have so many additional risks of confrontation. Space vs Tabs, Vim vs Emacs, Deb vs Rpm...

roland35 5y ago
All things which have torn apart relationships

NikolaNovak 5y ago

I once dated a lovely beautiful nerdy funny intelligent successful software engineer. Our first five dates were awesome. So much agreement and joy and commonality. Instant connection and camaraderie. Further on we realized we didn't bring enough to relationship. We didn't want the"gender I'm attracted version of myself". We each wanted somebody to bring new perspectives, challenge us in ways that work and nerdy friends don't, to talk about not work after work, or at least different work, etc. Ultimately even somebody to disagree with us. After a few similar experiences, it's not that I ever actively avoided a software engineer partner, it's just that they never seemed to last long. Love of my life is English major with career in retail and home depot / Canadian tire store manager. She brings softer , more emotionally intelligent, people oriented side to our family. I'm the annoying pedantic literal obsessive nerdy one :-D. Works well! Edit : All of my close developer friends are similarly married to arts major types. Interestingly, I now realize, great many of my acquaintance developer friends have nerdy or techu partners. Wonder what variables are at place but definitely to each their own!

InitialLastName 5y ago
I'm in the same boat; my household is certainly much more resilient and effective with a technically-focused, detail-oriented engineer and an emotionally intelligent human-oriented teacher in it than it would be with two of me (we certainly have better relationships with our neighbors and community this way, at the very least).
leetcrew 5y ago
I had a similar experience dating someone in the field, though it went on a bit longer. for me it was just kinda rough to come home from a day of working on software to talk to my SO about their problems with software. great person, but it was an exhausting relationship. on the other hand, most of my friends also do software stuff and we enjoy complaining to each other about work. I guess maybe the difference is you can say "not now" to a friend more easily than a partner.
- Seattle3503 5y ago
  I'm in this situation now. I'll have a bad day, then my partner comes home and dumps her bad day on top of mine. I don't know to handle it, because if I ask her to stop she sulks. It means I don't care about her bad day.

afavour 5y ago

This was one of the reasons I moved to NYC many years ago over Silicon Valley. No doubt the career opportunities in SV would have been greater but the diversity in company (both friendly and romantic) has a lot going for it.

bad_good_guy 5y ago

I have just learned I'm the same way. I had actually never thought about it, but I had an unexpected physical negative reaction when I saw the stats on software developers so often pairing with other software developers. Just something about it turns my stomach. I hope its not some internalised misogyny, as I have no similar response to idea of a partner in any other high skilled job, such as physician, or barrister, or researcher, etc.

rpmisms 5y ago
I definitely wouldn't want to date me, and I'm a pretty generic SWE. I think many of us are low in empathy, and seek out partners who have more empathy. A natural balance, so to speak.

mabbo 5y ago

You're crazy. My wife is an engineer and I'm a software developer. We make so much money. Want to know a great way to keep a relationship together? Never worry about money ever.

paulryanrogers 5y ago
Money helps. Though IME there are intangibles like agreement over how to raise the kids or at least flexibility in how to resolve challenges.
xyzelement 5y ago
I agree that having money is great - but are you actually saying that the best relationship is one where combined income is maximized? Is there no room in your utility function for mutual growth, sum being larger than the parts, etc?
- therealdrag0 5y ago
  People are really stereotyping in this thread. There can still be a lot of variance in engineering. Furthermore engineers aren’t robots; my engineer-partner does-pottery, and engineer-me has a liberal arts degree.
- mabbo 5y ago
  No, we're also super compatible as well. There's more to it than money. I just think that a lot of couples have problems and disputes that would not exist if they had money to throw at the problem to make it go away. Like a lot of stressful problems in life, marriage or otherwise. To steal a line from comedian Daniel Tosh: "Money doesn't buy happiness. Isn't that what people say? Money doesn't buy happiness? I dunno if that's true or not- I don't have any money. I'll tell you what I have learned. Poverty doesn't buy happiness. That I'm positive of."[0] It's also important to me that my wife is not dependent on me. She makes enough money that if I were an asshole she could walk out the door and never once worry about how she'll get by. Which means she is in this relationship because she wants to be. [0]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brDCVWzL2Gg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brDCVWzL2Gg

globular-toast 5y ago

When I first became interested in having a girlfriend I thought I wanted to find a girl who was just like me but in a female body. I would become infatuated with any girl who was remotely attractive and showed similar interests to me, like programming, cycling, gaming etc. I've since realised there is not a single woman in the world who is into things like I'm into them, and it's better that way because I value more than just their body.