10 ms·

'Speed friending' events

92 points by adrian_mrd 5y ago

jermaustin1 5y ago
I've always wanted a "friending" site. Basically a dating site, but to make friends. I work from home, have a couple of online friends that share the same interests as me, but none of my real-world friends do. I tried a couple of these apps, but I always felt the "friend" had ulterior motives. One friend I connected to, tried to sell me on investments, another I'm fairly certain was trying to hook up as if this were Tinder and not a professionals networking app (same swiping mechanic though) Maybe it is impossible.
- Spivak 5y ago
  I've used Bumble's BFF mode for this and I really like it. It's exactly what you're describing. Fair warning that they only match boys with boys and girls with girls. Which is pretty old fashioned but it's apprently because there were too many guys using it to hit on girls.
- hammock 5y ago
  We used to have these things called bars and churches and parks. Dating apps kind of ruined them though.
  - jermaustin1 5y ago
    I mean, for sure. But when I drink, it is with friends or family, when I worship, it is at home, and when I go to the park, it is for the solitude of nature and escaping tech.
- intro-b 5y ago
  i feel like "traditional" events for casually connecting and meeting with others have become somehow underrated — things like attending trivia events at a local pub, pick-up sports leagues, book signings, meetup groups, local volunteering orgs, and stuff like that all exist and, post-lockdown in many cities, seem even livelier and more interesting than before, with many people just going out and talking to others with no ulterior motives or expectations of anything else but meeting interesting people once you're at a physical event, you already have one thing in common with everyone there, which is your presence at the event, and it's really easy to strike up a conversation about something topical and then get to know someone better—the issue with a lot of these apps is that the initial conversation can be awkward or fizzle out quickly if both sides aren't completely engaged, which is often the case anyway
- mc32 5y ago
  Yeah, I think these sites pop up from time to time but seemingly always get pulled and drift towards hookup sites and "dating" sites. I think AFF was one and then became what it is now. Maybe the word "adult" was psychosocially loaded with other meaning in this context and took over the original mission.
  - donretag 5y ago
    The problem with these types of sites is the cold start issue. Not enough users to make people stay engaged. After viewing few to no options, most users will move on. Bumble tried to tackle the issue with its BFF feature, but it is still underused. Very few people on the app.
- nicoburns 5y ago
  Meetup is the best app I've found for this. The group nature of most of the events steers it away from tending towards dating.
- vikingerik 5y ago
  This is Meetup.com. (Or was before the pandemic; most groups I've looked at still haven't resumed, and who knows when the hysteria will ever subside.) It is easier to find people that share your interests and make them friends, than to make your friends share your interests. Meetup and perhaps local Facebook groups are the way in to that.
  - zh3 5y ago
    Meetup events (at least the ones I've been to) seems to be coming back online (UK Brighton area). Shameless plug for Flock #10 for anyone around Shoreham - one of the reasons to like it is the "No Selling!" rule. [0] https://www.meetup.com/en-AU/helloflock/ https://www.meetup.com/en-AU/helloflock/
  - TheAdamist 5y ago
    Meetup is great for users, for individual hosts it's way too expensive. I can't view the current pricing, but my small group closed after I got tired of paying $90/6 months for a glorified email list + calendar. For companies that's chump change, but for a casual interest group it's too much. Tried to migrate the core members to Facebook groups which is free, but there wasnt enough interest to keep it active. Friends with a few people still from it though.
    - vikingerik 5y ago
      Meetup is key for discoverability. Both because Meetup is where people actively go to look for something, and because they may incidentally see your group/event while doing something else on Meetup. There's nothing else that gives a group local findability quite like Meetup. That's what you're really paying for, although agreed that the price is an obstacle. Also agreed that migrating to Facebook usually doesn't work. In any group, there's a quarter or third or so who refuse to use FB, and that tends to kill your critical mass.
    - Ruthalas 5y ago
      Similarly, all the smaller groups I was part of closed down promptly after the pricing change. It's not reasonable for small or infrequent gatherings.
- graeme 5y ago
  Not sure what apps you’re referring to, but Bumble now has a BFF option where you can swipe to make friends. You can do this with the dating version disabled too.
- gjs278 5y ago
  join a local sports league
unboxedvariable 5y ago
What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the opposite of what we want?
- im3w1l 5y ago
  Community has gone from opt out to opt in.
- quacked 5y ago
  That's a huge question, but I believe the answer is that in a modern first world country, time is expensive and comfort is cheap. (I am also completely ignoring any social changes that have occurred since the pandemic, because all of the pandemic-based social trends started well before it did). People used to meet up and have real hobbies because they were bored and wanted something to do with their time, not because they were principled adherents to (what I believe is) a better and more satisfying way of life. Comfort is cheap: have you ever used your phone to check your daily screen time? I float between 1.5 hours on a good day and 6 hours on a bad day. On my phone I'm reading, interacting, etc. but that's 1.5-6 hours I didn't spend playing cards or chess or talking to my friends in person, each of which requires a time and effort commitment. I don't have to commit effort or pay any money or walk anywhere to interact with the always-on stimulation box in my pocket. The same applies to streaming applications and video games. Between those three activities (browsing, social media, streaming, and video games) there are billions of lost first-world man-hours every year that could theoretically be spent interacting in person, if the people really wanted to. Time is expensive: I am at the last few years of my life before I have children and have the most advantageous combination of free time, youthly energy, and money that I will ever have. I also have dozens of hobbies, but trying to find people to do those hobbies with is very difficult because they're all so busy with their own lives. My similarly-aged acquaintances are in graduate school (learning things that they could spread across 10 years in four years due to profit constraints), or they're working 40-60 hour workweeks in technology, or they're simply drained and don't want to do anything besides sit on the couch, which I completely understand given my own stressful 50-hour-per-week white collar job. If you want a return to "in-person life", somehow time needs to become cheap. I don't see comfort ever becoming expensive again, but I do think that if people weren't so busy and stressed out they'd be able to meet in person more often.
sircastor 5y ago
Finding friendship as an adult is an unspoken challenge. I’ve had a little success, but it’s still much more of a challenge than I ever considered when I was younger I recall hearing a story on public radio about a person who moves frequently between RV parks, and said that everyone there makes friends immediately because you don’t have time to feel people out. I’ve wondered if there was something to that - I also wonder if I could do it in such a situation.
- quacked 5y ago
  The best model for friendship I've heard as an adult is the "campfire model". It was explained in a Reddit comment that I can't find these days, but I will paraphrase below: "I treat all of my friends as if I'm sitting alone in the wilderness, tending to my campfire. If they come by and want to stay for a while, that's nice, but if they have to go on I understand. Sometimes I go and visit their campfires, but then I have to leave." It's not possible to have friends in adulthood the way they were had in youth; adults have responsibilities, families, and near-complete identities that clash against the demands of a highly-involved social group with lots of friends. I think it's better that way. One or two close friends that you can trust for the rest of your life will be better than many new friends that have to be kept track of.
  - iammisc 5y ago
    I have two thoughts here. You seem to imply that having many many shallow friends is normal... but it's not necessarily the case. I think it's totally normal to have one or two close friends and then other more distant ones that are constantly coming and going. Personally, yes adulthood changes things. Obviously, we're working and such. But, you also get to have way more fun as an adult than you could as a child. > families I don't understand why so many people find having kids an obstacle to making friends. If anything, my children have dramatically expanded my social network, since I'm now friends with their playmates parents. Here's the second thought: I'm not sure I fully agree with the campfire model. If anything, my adult friendships are deeper and much better, and more 'involved', in that, I can call, text, interact, etc, with my friends while working via my phone, which we weren't allowed to do in grade school. Also, since we're all adults with full lives, families, etc, the friendship is about more than just 'hey we both like <blah>', it's also about navigating through such a full life, whereas childhood friendships were about childish things.
sndean 5y ago
Over the past few years on HN I've periodically seen a nice exchange between people saying "if anyone is in Austin and wants to get a beer, let me know." There's normally a response or two. I wonder how many of these people actually meet up? And is HN good (or not) for this purpose? Seems like readers/commenters here could easily have a lot in common, so why couldn't HN be used as a platform for 'speed friending.' But of course I'd probably never meet up with HN-ers in the DC area... because I like to tell myself that I'm busy.
- Sevii 5y ago
  The problem with using HN for this is that it doesn't provide any vetting. You don't know if you share enough beliefs to even begin to become friends. You don't necessarily have a shared experience to relate over.
  - RealityVoid 5y ago
    IMO, this is fine. You meet up, and even if interests don't collide, at least you discovered someone different than you. I might be lucky and have an easy time making friends, but usually I can easily get along even with people I have little in common.
  - brailsafe 5y ago
    The only thing necessary to friendship is maybe one thing in common, and chemistry. None of my friends were met through any kind of vetting process, and I'd never want to do that.
  - tdeck 5y ago
    You'd think this would be important, but when I think back on my friends I met most of them randomly while happening to do something together (work, school, some other obligation) that didn't necessarily say much about our shared beliefs. I think sometimes people just need a reason to get to know each other better.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
poulpy123 5y ago
WTF friendship doesn't work like that
beckman466 5y ago
this just reminds me of books like 'How To Win Friends and Manipulate' ..cough.., sorry, i mean 'Influence People' Caroline - 2 stars // Apr 02, 2010: "This book had a profound effect on me, however, of the negative variety. It did give me pointers on how to actually break out of my shell and "win friends" but in the long term, it did way more harm than good. Not the book per se, but my choice to follow the advice given there. The book basically tells you to be agreeable to everybody, find something to honestly like about them and compliment them on it, talk about their interests only and, practically, act like a people pleaser all the time. It might sound like a harmless, or even attractive idea in theory, but choosing to apply it in your every day life can lead to dangerous results. Case in point: after being a smiley happy person with loads of friends for about a year, the unpleasant realization began to creep in, that by being so agreeable to everybody else, I rarely ever got my way. I also sustained friendships with people who were self-centered, so talking about their interests was all we got to do together, which drained me of my energy. The worst thing still, is that by trying to find something to like about every person, I completely disregarded their glaring faults. It didn't matter that those people did have redeeming qualities - they weren't redeeming enough! I ended up with a bunch of friends I didn't really want and, because I was so preoccupied with "winning" those friendships I missed out on the chance to form relationships with good people. I suppose, for somebody who is a better judge of character, the principles outlined in this book - could - be of some value. But that's really just me trying to find something positive (using the "principles") in a book that I am still trying to UNlearn. If you want to win friends, you have to do it the hard way, by being yourself and risking rejection (and daring to do some rejection of your own, as well). And if you want to influence people the only fair way to do it is through honesty. All the rest is manipulation and pretending. Do not read this book, you'll only learn how to manipulate yourself & others. Do not read it out of fear of rejection & low self-esteem, there are better ways to gain some courage in approaching people. This will harm you in the long run. Thank you for reading this review." https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4865.How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4865.How_to_Win_Friends_...
jsilence 5y ago
I totally can not relate to the article at all. I would never start any activity with the goal of making friends. So much so that I find the concept of 'making friends' absurd. How would one be able to make, to fabricate, friendship? Friendship is a sentiment I'd develop towards a person I like and value. And from this feeling I become a friend to them. If the feeling is returned, I am lucky and relish the moment of this mutual positive feeling. If I were to feel lonely I'd start an activity I like. Start playing a team sport. Be a good team mate. Friendship will eventually develop over time when the group is right. You like intellectual challenges? Join a Chess or Go club. For Chess or for Go. Friendships will develop if the time is right. I find it very strange to attempt to fill the void by socializing.
taurath 5y ago
It does seem in our world where there is such relative fear of the other that a bit of structure would help a lot. Not sure if this is it, but I think it’s thinking along the same lines. I think about this a lot in that how many relationships we have are based around the circumstances of mutual location - the internet being one, sometimes - but people really have trouble addressing needs of community and there aren’t many structures in place to really assist that.

92 points by adrian_mrd 5y ago

I've always wanted a "friending" site. Basically a dating site, but to make friends. I work from home, have a couple of online friends that share the same interests as me, but none of my real-world friends do. I tried a couple of these apps, but I always felt the "friend" had ulterior motives. One friend I connected to, tried to sell me on investments, another I'm fairly certain was trying to hook up as if this were Tinder and not a professionals networking app (same swiping mechanic though) Maybe it is impossible.

Spivak 5y ago
I've used Bumble's BFF mode for this and I really like it. It's exactly what you're describing. Fair warning that they only match boys with boys and girls with girls. Which is pretty old fashioned but it's apprently because there were too many guys using it to hit on girls.
hammock 5y ago
We used to have these things called bars and churches and parks. Dating apps kind of ruined them though.
- jermaustin1 5y ago
  I mean, for sure. But when I drink, it is with friends or family, when I worship, it is at home, and when I go to the park, it is for the solitude of nature and escaping tech.
intro-b 5y ago
i feel like "traditional" events for casually connecting and meeting with others have become somehow underrated — things like attending trivia events at a local pub, pick-up sports leagues, book signings, meetup groups, local volunteering orgs, and stuff like that all exist and, post-lockdown in many cities, seem even livelier and more interesting than before, with many people just going out and talking to others with no ulterior motives or expectations of anything else but meeting interesting people once you're at a physical event, you already have one thing in common with everyone there, which is your presence at the event, and it's really easy to strike up a conversation about something topical and then get to know someone better—the issue with a lot of these apps is that the initial conversation can be awkward or fizzle out quickly if both sides aren't completely engaged, which is often the case anyway
mc32 5y ago
Yeah, I think these sites pop up from time to time but seemingly always get pulled and drift towards hookup sites and "dating" sites. I think AFF was one and then became what it is now. Maybe the word "adult" was psychosocially loaded with other meaning in this context and took over the original mission.
- donretag 5y ago
  The problem with these types of sites is the cold start issue. Not enough users to make people stay engaged. After viewing few to no options, most users will move on. Bumble tried to tackle the issue with its BFF feature, but it is still underused. Very few people on the app.
nicoburns 5y ago
Meetup is the best app I've found for this. The group nature of most of the events steers it away from tending towards dating.
vikingerik 5y ago
This is Meetup.com. (Or was before the pandemic; most groups I've looked at still haven't resumed, and who knows when the hysteria will ever subside.) It is easier to find people that share your interests and make them friends, than to make your friends share your interests. Meetup and perhaps local Facebook groups are the way in to that.
- zh3 5y ago
  Meetup events (at least the ones I've been to) seems to be coming back online (UK Brighton area). Shameless plug for Flock #10 for anyone around Shoreham - one of the reasons to like it is the "No Selling!" rule. [0] https://www.meetup.com/en-AU/helloflock/ https://www.meetup.com/en-AU/helloflock/
- TheAdamist 5y ago
  Meetup is great for users, for individual hosts it's way too expensive. I can't view the current pricing, but my small group closed after I got tired of paying $90/6 months for a glorified email list + calendar. For companies that's chump change, but for a casual interest group it's too much. Tried to migrate the core members to Facebook groups which is free, but there wasnt enough interest to keep it active. Friends with a few people still from it though.
  - vikingerik 5y ago
    Meetup is key for discoverability. Both because Meetup is where people actively go to look for something, and because they may incidentally see your group/event while doing something else on Meetup. There's nothing else that gives a group local findability quite like Meetup. That's what you're really paying for, although agreed that the price is an obstacle. Also agreed that migrating to Facebook usually doesn't work. In any group, there's a quarter or third or so who refuse to use FB, and that tends to kill your critical mass.
  - Ruthalas 5y ago
    Similarly, all the smaller groups I was part of closed down promptly after the pricing change. It's not reasonable for small or infrequent gatherings.
graeme 5y ago
Not sure what apps you’re referring to, but Bumble now has a BFF option where you can swipe to make friends. You can do this with the dating version disabled too.
gjs278 5y ago
join a local sports league

unboxedvariable 5y ago

What is it about us and society that has moved us in a continually more isolating direction instead of getting better at forming connections. Aren't we more connected now by many orders of magnitude than all previous generations? Are we not able to handle these quick/cheap interactions and do they cause harm instead of satisfaction? Have we replaced meaningful, non-work human interaction with apps that seem to do the opposite of what we want?

im3w1l 5y ago
Community has gone from opt out to opt in.
quacked 5y ago
That's a huge question, but I believe the answer is that in a modern first world country, time is expensive and comfort is cheap. (I am also completely ignoring any social changes that have occurred since the pandemic, because all of the pandemic-based social trends started well before it did). People used to meet up and have real hobbies because they were bored and wanted something to do with their time, not because they were principled adherents to (what I believe is) a better and more satisfying way of life. Comfort is cheap: have you ever used your phone to check your daily screen time? I float between 1.5 hours on a good day and 6 hours on a bad day. On my phone I'm reading, interacting, etc. but that's 1.5-6 hours I didn't spend playing cards or chess or talking to my friends in person, each of which requires a time and effort commitment. I don't have to commit effort or pay any money or walk anywhere to interact with the always-on stimulation box in my pocket. The same applies to streaming applications and video games. Between those three activities (browsing, social media, streaming, and video games) there are billions of lost first-world man-hours every year that could theoretically be spent interacting in person, if the people really wanted to. Time is expensive: I am at the last few years of my life before I have children and have the most advantageous combination of free time, youthly energy, and money that I will ever have. I also have dozens of hobbies, but trying to find people to do those hobbies with is very difficult because they're all so busy with their own lives. My similarly-aged acquaintances are in graduate school (learning things that they could spread across 10 years in four years due to profit constraints), or they're working 40-60 hour workweeks in technology, or they're simply drained and don't want to do anything besides sit on the couch, which I completely understand given my own stressful 50-hour-per-week white collar job. If you want a return to "in-person life", somehow time needs to become cheap. I don't see comfort ever becoming expensive again, but I do think that if people weren't so busy and stressed out they'd be able to meet in person more often.

sircastor 5y ago

Finding friendship as an adult is an unspoken challenge. I’ve had a little success, but it’s still much more of a challenge than I ever considered when I was younger I recall hearing a story on public radio about a person who moves frequently between RV parks, and said that everyone there makes friends immediately because you don’t have time to feel people out. I’ve wondered if there was something to that - I also wonder if I could do it in such a situation.

quacked 5y ago
The best model for friendship I've heard as an adult is the "campfire model". It was explained in a Reddit comment that I can't find these days, but I will paraphrase below: "I treat all of my friends as if I'm sitting alone in the wilderness, tending to my campfire. If they come by and want to stay for a while, that's nice, but if they have to go on I understand. Sometimes I go and visit their campfires, but then I have to leave." It's not possible to have friends in adulthood the way they were had in youth; adults have responsibilities, families, and near-complete identities that clash against the demands of a highly-involved social group with lots of friends. I think it's better that way. One or two close friends that you can trust for the rest of your life will be better than many new friends that have to be kept track of.
- iammisc 5y ago
  I have two thoughts here. You seem to imply that having many many shallow friends is normal... but it's not necessarily the case. I think it's totally normal to have one or two close friends and then other more distant ones that are constantly coming and going. Personally, yes adulthood changes things. Obviously, we're working and such. But, you also get to have way more fun as an adult than you could as a child. > families I don't understand why so many people find having kids an obstacle to making friends. If anything, my children have dramatically expanded my social network, since I'm now friends with their playmates parents. Here's the second thought: I'm not sure I fully agree with the campfire model. If anything, my adult friendships are deeper and much better, and more 'involved', in that, I can call, text, interact, etc, with my friends while working via my phone, which we weren't allowed to do in grade school. Also, since we're all adults with full lives, families, etc, the friendship is about more than just 'hey we both like <blah>', it's also about navigating through such a full life, whereas childhood friendships were about childish things.

sndean 5y ago

Over the past few years on HN I've periodically seen a nice exchange between people saying "if anyone is in Austin and wants to get a beer, let me know." There's normally a response or two. I wonder how many of these people actually meet up? And is HN good (or not) for this purpose? Seems like readers/commenters here could easily have a lot in common, so why couldn't HN be used as a platform for 'speed friending.' But of course I'd probably never meet up with HN-ers in the DC area... because I like to tell myself that I'm busy.

Sevii 5y ago
The problem with using HN for this is that it doesn't provide any vetting. You don't know if you share enough beliefs to even begin to become friends. You don't necessarily have a shared experience to relate over.
- RealityVoid 5y ago
  IMO, this is fine. You meet up, and even if interests don't collide, at least you discovered someone different than you. I might be lucky and have an easy time making friends, but usually I can easily get along even with people I have little in common.
- brailsafe 5y ago
  The only thing necessary to friendship is maybe one thing in common, and chemistry. None of my friends were met through any kind of vetting process, and I'd never want to do that.
- tdeck 5y ago
  You'd think this would be important, but when I think back on my friends I met most of them randomly while happening to do something together (work, school, some other obligation) that didn't necessarily say much about our shared beliefs. I think sometimes people just need a reason to get to know each other better.
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]

poulpy123 5y ago

WTF friendship doesn't work like that

beckman466 5y ago

this just reminds me of books like 'How To Win Friends and Manipulate' ..cough.., sorry, i mean 'Influence People' Caroline - 2 stars // Apr 02, 2010: "This book had a profound effect on me, however, of the negative variety. It did give me pointers on how to actually break out of my shell and "win friends" but in the long term, it did way more harm than good. Not the book per se, but my choice to follow the advice given there. The book basically tells you to be agreeable to everybody, find something to honestly like about them and compliment them on it, talk about their interests only and, practically, act like a people pleaser all the time. It might sound like a harmless, or even attractive idea in theory, but choosing to apply it in your every day life can lead to dangerous results. Case in point: after being a smiley happy person with loads of friends for about a year, the unpleasant realization began to creep in, that by being so agreeable to everybody else, I rarely ever got my way. I also sustained friendships with people who were self-centered, so talking about their interests was all we got to do together, which drained me of my energy. The worst thing still, is that by trying to find something to like about every person, I completely disregarded their glaring faults. It didn't matter that those people did have redeeming qualities - they weren't redeeming enough! I ended up with a bunch of friends I didn't really want and, because I was so preoccupied with "winning" those friendships I missed out on the chance to form relationships with good people. I suppose, for somebody who is a better judge of character, the principles outlined in this book - could - be of some value. But that's really just me trying to find something positive (using the "principles") in a book that I am still trying to UNlearn. If you want to win friends, you have to do it the hard way, by being yourself and risking rejection (and daring to do some rejection of your own, as well). And if you want to influence people the only fair way to do it is through honesty. All the rest is manipulation and pretending. Do not read this book, you'll only learn how to manipulate yourself & others. Do not read it out of fear of rejection & low self-esteem, there are better ways to gain some courage in approaching people. This will harm you in the long run. Thank you for reading this review." https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4865.How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4865.How_to_Win_Friends_...

jsilence 5y ago

I totally can not relate to the article at all. I would never start any activity with the goal of making friends. So much so that I find the concept of 'making friends' absurd. How would one be able to make, to fabricate, friendship? Friendship is a sentiment I'd develop towards a person I like and value. And from this feeling I become a friend to them. If the feeling is returned, I am lucky and relish the moment of this mutual positive feeling. If I were to feel lonely I'd start an activity I like. Start playing a team sport. Be a good team mate. Friendship will eventually develop over time when the group is right. You like intellectual challenges? Join a Chess or Go club. For Chess or for Go. Friendships will develop if the time is right. I find it very strange to attempt to fill the void by socializing.

taurath 5y ago

It does seem in our world where there is such relative fear of the other that a bit of structure would help a lot. Not sure if this is it, but I think it’s thinking along the same lines. I think about this a lot in that how many relationships we have are based around the circumstances of mutual location - the internet being one, sometimes - but people really have trouble addressing needs of community and there aren’t many structures in place to really assist that.