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I’m generally a very transparent person. My wife considers me an over sharer. There was a time when I thought it was silly to keep secrets like your salary. How

I’m generally a very transparent person. My wife considers me an over sharer. There was a time when I thought it was silly to keep secrets like your salary. However, over the years I’ve seen much more harm than good come from sharing my salary with others. This includes people in the industry because not everyone is at the same level. Here are some examples that taught me to keep my mouth shut: One time I met a friend at church who was also an engineer. I thought it would be fun to invite them to my house some time to hack and collaborate on a side project. It became clear pretty quick that we would not work well together although we could still make great friends. At one point he asked me how much I make. Being a fellow software engineer I didn’t even hesitate to tell them. Their reaction made me very uncomfortable. They were so surprised and they started commenting on how expensive my place is (I was renting a couple rooms in someone else’s house at the time so it didn’t seem extravagant to me). A few weeks later I was at church talking with some friends outside and someone comes up from behind and starts telling, “Don’t talk to this guy! You can’t afford him! Trust me! You can’t afford him”. He was attempting to be funny and possibly even compliment me or brag for me. However it made me extremely uncomfortable and it changed the dynamic of a great conversation we were having prior. One that wasn’t about me at all and I didn’t appreciate the sudden subject change. Another time a friend asked me my salary when I was helping them with their non profit website. When I told them they were floored. They brought it up every time I ever saw them going forward. It seemed so odd that I just stopped hanging out with them. Both of these stories are from almost a decade ago on a startup salary that most people on HN would think was very low. It’s just such a different world than outside our industry still. On the other hand, I’ve also used levels.fyi to help encourage friends and family members to get into software if they express interest but want to know what to expect. I do let people know but the list of people I’m transparent with is very very small now.

senectus1 5y ago
its a strange dynamic isn't it. On one hand, seeing a trend of employers demanding you don't talk about your salaries makes me think we should share them more... on the other, yeah I'm a personal person. I really don't want to share this sort of information. I'm a bit of a self rebel. I like to do things that make me uncomfortable if someone expressly forbids me for doing it.
plainnoodles 5y ago
This. It just never ends well. The only people I tell are coworkers with whom I'm close enough that I have their personal phone number for texting. Family: hard no Friends: harder no Random strangers on the internet: maybe? People I barely know but will potentially see again: absolutely hard no never I also have a couple anecdotes: Family: Told my sister how much I make. Now my brother-in-law won't stop making random comments about money. They're not in poor humor, but it's uncomfortable. Friends: In high school, our friend group was held together by anime. So you had a weird cross-section of people in terms of academic achievement. My friend and I were basically the top two, and the rest of the friend group... let's say they didn't prioritize academics and though we two were a bit odd for trying so much. Anyway, we two go to college, fast forward four years and I graduate with an offer for 80k/yr (where I live, this is 2x median household income), and the standard offer is 50k. I told my friend, hoping that it would help her evaluate her offers. Instead, suddenly the entire friend group won't talk to me. I can understand where they're coming from, to some degree - fresh out of college I was probably making 4x their salaries. But I learned from the harm this caused. It wasn't a big deal, since we'd drifted apart after high school, as friends do, but it was still unfortunate. My peer friend had just accidentally revealed the numeric aspect of my offer, and she apologized to me after she realized how much it upset everyone else in the group. Dunno. I find it hard to calibrate. I now make more than double that offer, and yet know of many peers (principal/staff engineers) who make double or triple my current salary, and I don't fault them for it. Maybe it's just because I/we know our industry is kinda stupid (right now? for now?) and the money is sloshing around everywhere, so we don't take it personally when someone manages to get a sweet offer, and I'm happy - and proud!- that they manage to get such great remuneration. But I also know not everyone has these opportunities and I'm fairly privileged. But yeah. I have a very short list of folks I share with now.
- GoblinSlayer 5y ago
  They didn't watch gochuumon wa usagi desu ka? Sharo covers this problem.
deleted 5y ago
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senectus1 5y ago

its a strange dynamic isn't it. On one hand, seeing a trend of employers demanding you don't talk about your salaries makes me think we should share them more... on the other, yeah I'm a personal person. I really don't want to share this sort of information. I'm a bit of a self rebel. I like to do things that make me uncomfortable if someone expressly forbids me for doing it.

plainnoodles 5y ago

This. It just never ends well. The only people I tell are coworkers with whom I'm close enough that I have their personal phone number for texting. Family: hard no Friends: harder no Random strangers on the internet: maybe? People I barely know but will potentially see again: absolutely hard no never I also have a couple anecdotes: Family: Told my sister how much I make. Now my brother-in-law won't stop making random comments about money. They're not in poor humor, but it's uncomfortable. Friends: In high school, our friend group was held together by anime. So you had a weird cross-section of people in terms of academic achievement. My friend and I were basically the top two, and the rest of the friend group... let's say they didn't prioritize academics and though we two were a bit odd for trying so much. Anyway, we two go to college, fast forward four years and I graduate with an offer for 80k/yr (where I live, this is 2x median household income), and the standard offer is 50k. I told my friend, hoping that it would help her evaluate her offers. Instead, suddenly the entire friend group won't talk to me. I can understand where they're coming from, to some degree - fresh out of college I was probably making 4x their salaries. But I learned from the harm this caused. It wasn't a big deal, since we'd drifted apart after high school, as friends do, but it was still unfortunate. My peer friend had just accidentally revealed the numeric aspect of my offer, and she apologized to me after she realized how much it upset everyone else in the group. Dunno. I find it hard to calibrate. I now make more than double that offer, and yet know of many peers (principal/staff engineers) who make double or triple my current salary, and I don't fault them for it. Maybe it's just because I/we know our industry is kinda stupid (right now? for now?) and the money is sloshing around everywhere, so we don't take it personally when someone manages to get a sweet offer, and I'm happy - and proud!- that they manage to get such great remuneration. But I also know not everyone has these opportunities and I'm fairly privileged. But yeah. I have a very short list of folks I share with now.

GoblinSlayer 5y ago
They didn't watch gochuumon wa usagi desu ka? Sharo covers this problem.

deleted 5y ago

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