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Don’t hold grudges Sadly, human memory is just so damn strong. It’s stored with emotional context, and I really wish I could turn it off without becoming compl

Don’t hold grudges Sadly, human memory is just so damn strong. It’s stored with emotional context, and I really wish I could turn it off without becoming completely sociopathic.

maccard 5y ago
You don't need to turn it off, you do need to make an effort to look past it.
- lostcolony 5y ago
  Forgive, not forget, so to speak. Or at least pretend to.
floe 5y ago
OTOH, you do have a lot of control in many cases. I realized that I was way too emotionally invested in a lot of work interactions because I just hadn't thought through what I actually wanted. Once I realized that, I was able to dial down my emotional investment and I stopped forming grudges at least in those cases.
- crate_barre 5y ago
  I’ve tried this successfully over vast stretches of time at work. However, the human element always gives way for me and I do eventually crack. Sometimes I do think it’s ok to feel the emotion because it’s not just business when humans are involved.
rented_mule 5y ago
For me, getting better at this came out of introspecting on a song lyric... "I crucified my hate and held the world within my hand." My introspection started with committing to not using the word "hate" for a year, but instead find ways to express what was bothering me rather than jumping to judgement (that was hard work). Through the introspection that resulted from that exercise, I came to understand that a lot of it is framing. When someone cuts me off on the road, it's easy to judge them because they think they are the only one in a hurry and they are willing to risk harm to others. But it's possible that their child is dying in the hospital and they are trying to get there so the child won't spend their last moments alone. I can't know which it is. Would I rather give the inconsiderate driver a break they might not deserve or the grief stricken parent judgement they don't deserve? Since I can't know which it is, I have to choose which side I'd prefer to err on. That's an extreme example, but once I figured this out, I found that it gave me more peace to not judge in such situations. It's much better for my own mental health to hope their loved ones are okay than to be angry. And my choice doesn't affect the other driver at all. Without judgement, there isn't anything to hold a grudge about. Once I had practice with highly provocative situations like that, work was easy by comparison.

Don’t hold grudges Sadly, human memory is just so damn strong. It’s stored with emotional context, and I really wish I could turn it off without becoming completely sociopathic.

maccard 5y ago

You don't need to turn it off, you do need to make an effort to look past it.

lostcolony 5y ago
Forgive, not forget, so to speak. Or at least pretend to.

floe 5y ago

OTOH, you do have a lot of control in many cases. I realized that I was way too emotionally invested in a lot of work interactions because I just hadn't thought through what I actually wanted. Once I realized that, I was able to dial down my emotional investment and I stopped forming grudges at least in those cases.

crate_barre 5y ago
I’ve tried this successfully over vast stretches of time at work. However, the human element always gives way for me and I do eventually crack. Sometimes I do think it’s ok to feel the emotion because it’s not just business when humans are involved.

rented_mule 5y ago

For me, getting better at this came out of introspecting on a song lyric... "I crucified my hate and held the world within my hand." My introspection started with committing to not using the word "hate" for a year, but instead find ways to express what was bothering me rather than jumping to judgement (that was hard work). Through the introspection that resulted from that exercise, I came to understand that a lot of it is framing. When someone cuts me off on the road, it's easy to judge them because they think they are the only one in a hurry and they are willing to risk harm to others. But it's possible that their child is dying in the hospital and they are trying to get there so the child won't spend their last moments alone. I can't know which it is. Would I rather give the inconsiderate driver a break they might not deserve or the grief stricken parent judgement they don't deserve? Since I can't know which it is, I have to choose which side I'd prefer to err on. That's an extreme example, but once I figured this out, I found that it gave me more peace to not judge in such situations. It's much better for my own mental health to hope their loved ones are okay than to be angry. And my choice doesn't affect the other driver at all. Without judgement, there isn't anything to hold a grudge about. Once I had practice with highly provocative situations like that, work was easy by comparison.