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I’ve got this sorted out with work, because I feel fully confident that losing my job is more likely to be net good than net bad. To some extent the job is disp

I’ve got this sorted out with work, because I feel fully confident that losing my job is more likely to be net good than net bad. To some extent the job is disposable, they lack the leverage to abuse me. It’s different with family (parents and siblings) who have been absolutely unsupportive to me personally yet continually insist that I do X/Y/Z for them every week. By pushing back and trying to reduce this stressor, they gaslight and victim blame instead of using empathy. But what am I to do? Cut them off and be a pariah from the extended family for the rest of life?

bellyfullofbac 5y ago
> But what am I to do? Cut them off and be a pariah from the extended family for the rest of life? Easy for me to say, but what about yes? Their behaviour is what is worth of them becoming the pariahs. If the extended family are decent, you could try talking to them directly, although I guess not a lot of people have understanding with kids who "disown" their parents.
- emerged 5y ago
  That wouldn’t work because family consider my mother to be a saint. She’s 180 degrees different person to them. That creates a shield which keeps me locked in.
  - quesera 5y ago
    This is classic abusive behavior. Sorry, I don't know your mother and I don't like to cast aspersions, but when you identify abuse, you should withdraw yourself from it if you are able. Move away (to a city, at least a few hrs away, further is even better) and build a new life somewhere else. Meet people, get involved in things, sleep only when you must. "So sorry family, life drew me to XXX and I miss you terribly too!" -- this is the narration to describe so many happy and healthy people's familial relationships. Family that cares about you will respond with "we're really happy for you, but we miss seeing you", family that does not care will respond with "how could you leave?". You can decide for yourself how to deal with people who do not care about you, but you can do it from far enough away that it doesn't have to occupy so much of your mental energy.
retrac 5y ago
Move far enough away you only have to deal with them when you want to. (Assuming they aren't assigning remote support tasks.) I was surprised how drastically my relative's behaviour changed when my presence was conditional on me wanting to bother to drive for a couple hours to see them. Between biting ones tongue and not seeing their son/cousin/nephew for the next five years they picked biting their tongues, mostly. Your mileage may vary.
- emerged 5y ago
  I’m leaning this direction which is sad because I used to be far away and then moved back. I’m only here for them, and yet they are completely indifferent to my life and needs. It’s so depressing it drives me crazy.
thephyber 5y ago
Protip: if you become less reliable with doing X/Y/Z, other people are likely to stop relying on you for these things.

bellyfullofbac 5y ago

> But what am I to do? Cut them off and be a pariah from the extended family for the rest of life? Easy for me to say, but what about yes? Their behaviour is what is worth of them becoming the pariahs. If the extended family are decent, you could try talking to them directly, although I guess not a lot of people have understanding with kids who "disown" their parents.

emerged 5y ago
That wouldn’t work because family consider my mother to be a saint. She’s 180 degrees different person to them. That creates a shield which keeps me locked in.
- quesera 5y ago
  This is classic abusive behavior. Sorry, I don't know your mother and I don't like to cast aspersions, but when you identify abuse, you should withdraw yourself from it if you are able. Move away (to a city, at least a few hrs away, further is even better) and build a new life somewhere else. Meet people, get involved in things, sleep only when you must. "So sorry family, life drew me to XXX and I miss you terribly too!" -- this is the narration to describe so many happy and healthy people's familial relationships. Family that cares about you will respond with "we're really happy for you, but we miss seeing you", family that does not care will respond with "how could you leave?". You can decide for yourself how to deal with people who do not care about you, but you can do it from far enough away that it doesn't have to occupy so much of your mental energy.

retrac 5y ago

Move far enough away you only have to deal with them when you want to. (Assuming they aren't assigning remote support tasks.) I was surprised how drastically my relative's behaviour changed when my presence was conditional on me wanting to bother to drive for a couple hours to see them. Between biting ones tongue and not seeing their son/cousin/nephew for the next five years they picked biting their tongues, mostly. Your mileage may vary.

emerged 5y ago
I’m leaning this direction which is sad because I used to be far away and then moved back. I’m only here for them, and yet they are completely indifferent to my life and needs. It’s so depressing it drives me crazy.

thephyber 5y ago

Protip: if you become less reliable with doing X/Y/Z, other people are likely to stop relying on you for these things.