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I used a silence technique when tutoring (class size about 20): if you want students to answer a question, give them space. 10 seconds of silence is quite uncom

by 6ren 15y ago

I used a silence technique when tutoring (class size about 20): if you want students to answer a question, give them space. 10 seconds of silence is quite uncomfortable - 30 seconds is extraordinary, unbearable. Don't elaborate, or coach; just ask the question, then total silence. Nature deplores a vacuum, and silence will draw someone out. Counter-intuitively, it also gives permission for people to speak who otherwise would be too shy.

Mz 15y ago
Counter-intuitively, it also gives permission for people to speak who otherwise would be too shy. I'm wondering if that has to do with internal "speed"/timing issues. My ex was a slow talking, quiet sort (and shy/introverted) and I tend to talk a lot and talk fast. A big issue in our marriage was when we argued and I felt like I took really huge pauses to try to get him to speak but he still wouldn't speak so I would resume talking to fill the silence. His take on it was that I never ever shut up and there was no way to get a word in edgewise. I imagine if we had overcome this issue, the marriage would have gone a great deal more smoothly. I had to actively teach our younger son, who is more like his father in this regard, to simply "interrupt" me and his fast-talking older brother. Otherwise, he feels like we don't "let" him talk. There is a big disconnect in the internal timing here -- he seems to not be able to judge how/when to jump in the way his brother and I do. So when he simply "interrupts" us, I defend it if his brother gets irritated or something.
- jamesbkel 15y ago
  Definitely can relate to this situation (of your ex). It definitely can be a case of difficulty "judg[ing] how/when to jump in", I certainly am below-average on that measure. However, a separate but related trait is that I often find myself internally running through several iterations of what I want to say, only to realize that by the time I've winnowed it down to the relevant info and am ready to speak, the conversation has moved on.
  - deleted 15y ago
    [deleted]
polyfractal 15y ago
Have to be careful with this technique too - most classes tend to have the "overenthusiastic answerer" who will always answer the question given a chance. As a Teacher/TA/Tutor you have to learn to ignore these people (or privately ask them to answer less frequently).

by 6ren 15y ago

Mz 15y ago

Counter-intuitively, it also gives permission for people to speak who otherwise would be too shy. I'm wondering if that has to do with internal "speed"/timing issues. My ex was a slow talking, quiet sort (and shy/introverted) and I tend to talk a lot and talk fast. A big issue in our marriage was when we argued and I felt like I took really huge pauses to try to get him to speak but he still wouldn't speak so I would resume talking to fill the silence. His take on it was that I never ever shut up and there was no way to get a word in edgewise. I imagine if we had overcome this issue, the marriage would have gone a great deal more smoothly. I had to actively teach our younger son, who is more like his father in this regard, to simply "interrupt" me and his fast-talking older brother. Otherwise, he feels like we don't "let" him talk. There is a big disconnect in the internal timing here -- he seems to not be able to judge how/when to jump in the way his brother and I do. So when he simply "interrupts" us, I defend it if his brother gets irritated or something.

jamesbkel 15y ago
Definitely can relate to this situation (of your ex). It definitely can be a case of difficulty "judg[ing] how/when to jump in", I certainly am below-average on that measure. However, a separate but related trait is that I often find myself internally running through several iterations of what I want to say, only to realize that by the time I've winnowed it down to the relevant info and am ready to speak, the conversation has moved on.
- deleted 15y ago
  [deleted]

polyfractal 15y ago

Have to be careful with this technique too - most classes tend to have the "overenthusiastic answerer" who will always answer the question given a chance. As a Teacher/TA/Tutor you have to learn to ignore these people (or privately ask them to answer less frequently).