4 ms·

I'm in that age band, and I'm unlikely to ever get married. There are too many economic entanglements for it to be worth the risk of it, so few people of my age

I'm in that age band, and I'm unlikely to ever get married. There are too many economic entanglements for it to be worth the risk of it, so few people of my age can afford to have children anymore anyways so it's not like there's any legal necessity left now that we all have insurance, and it only costs $10 and 10 minutes to notarize a domestic partnership declaration versus $50,000 and months of drama to satisfy the societal obligations of a Wedding(tm). Who has any energy left for drama these days? I sure don't. I look forward to finding out whether universal basic incomes has a delayed effect on marriage rates over a ten year period, though.

shagie 5y ago
On the old end of that band... When I was in SV during the dot com boom, the combination of the gender imbalance in the area (I seem to recall it being about 80 single women for every 100 single men between the ages of 20 and 29), the lack of having any firm tie to the area (no hope of getting a house - it was all single bedroom apartment rentals) and the, lets call it "cost of courtship" - it really didn't make financial sense to invest too much time or heart into dating and trying to get married. Later and elsewhere, the expectation that I'd be the single source of income for a family of a previously divorced woman and step kids was a distinct turn off for trying to pursue a relationship later. Having siblings get married, have kids, and get divorced and the continued difficulties with that a decade later makes marriage and kids even less appealing to someone who has never had either to see what benefit they provide (yes, I'm sure they do - I just don't know what it is in relationship to my own investment of time, money, and heart). Now, I'm going to say I'm a grumpish graying beard who's too set in his ways. Sure, it would be nice to have a partner in life to take some of the household decisions. Managing a house as a single adult is more difficult and expensive than doing it with a partner, but the degree of change that I am expected to make accommodations in my life just makes it feel not worth it to even try to pursue. And as I write this, I'll note that I do have at least a bachelor's degree, I am employed, my salary is well above the median earnings reported, and I am not financially vulnerable; nor am I living in my parents' home, institutionalized, or have any children in the household. So in those respects for this survey, I'm atypical. --- Aside: https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/10/11/the-share-of-americans-living-without-a-partner-has-increased-especially-among-young-adults/ https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/10/11/the-share-o... is an earlier reporting of the data based on the 2007 - 2017 data.
- serpix 5y ago
  A relationship and need for connection is a built in primal need we have. The western mindset is heavily placing monogamist relationships in the context of a win-lose game. A zero sum game. No relationship survives this, as the whole point of being with another human is emotional growth, security and healthy dependence from each other. Teal Swan has a brilliant video on the zero sum game mindset.
  - shagie 5y ago
    I'll grant the need for connection associated with a monogamist relationship. The path my life has lead me through has gotten to the amount of effort to find and establish that relationship as part of courtship isn't worth it / required too much. Trying to find that relationship in SV in the late 90s through 00s when my life was most flexible lead to some substantial disappointments. At this point, I'm not going to be looking for a woman in her 40s or 50s to try to settle down with - it just doesn't make sense. I don't have a desire to pursue the financial and time obligations of courtship. In the frame of "win lose", finding the right person is win-win. However, trying and not finding someone enough times leaves one rather averse to trying again. One could try to attribute this to learned helplessness. Trying again isn't enjoyable / rewarding. As it is, I am reasonably happy, content, and successful by myself. I have the resources and time to pursue what interests me to what I feel is a greater amount than if I was in a partnered relationship.
  - floatingatoll 5y ago
    Western culture also frequently confuses (seemingly intentionally) the need for human connection and relationships with a societal pressure to reproduce. There are quite a lot of people who desire the former and not the latter, which opens the door to having a satisfactory social life without dating or marriage at all.

shagie 5y ago

On the old end of that band... When I was in SV during the dot com boom, the combination of the gender imbalance in the area (I seem to recall it being about 80 single women for every 100 single men between the ages of 20 and 29), the lack of having any firm tie to the area (no hope of getting a house - it was all single bedroom apartment rentals) and the, lets call it "cost of courtship" - it really didn't make financial sense to invest too much time or heart into dating and trying to get married. Later and elsewhere, the expectation that I'd be the single source of income for a family of a previously divorced woman and step kids was a distinct turn off for trying to pursue a relationship later. Having siblings get married, have kids, and get divorced and the continued difficulties with that a decade later makes marriage and kids even less appealing to someone who has never had either to see what benefit they provide (yes, I'm sure they do - I just don't know what it is in relationship to my own investment of time, money, and heart). Now, I'm going to say I'm a grumpish graying beard who's too set in his ways. Sure, it would be nice to have a partner in life to take some of the household decisions. Managing a house as a single adult is more difficult and expensive than doing it with a partner, but the degree of change that I am expected to make accommodations in my life just makes it feel not worth it to even try to pursue. And as I write this, I'll note that I do have at least a bachelor's degree, I am employed, my salary is well above the median earnings reported, and I am not financially vulnerable; nor am I living in my parents' home, institutionalized, or have any children in the household. So in those respects for this survey, I'm atypical. --- Aside: https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/10/11/the-share-of-americans-living-without-a-partner-has-increased-especially-among-young-adults/ https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/10/11/the-share-o... is an earlier reporting of the data based on the 2007 - 2017 data.

serpix 5y ago
A relationship and need for connection is a built in primal need we have. The western mindset is heavily placing monogamist relationships in the context of a win-lose game. A zero sum game. No relationship survives this, as the whole point of being with another human is emotional growth, security and healthy dependence from each other. Teal Swan has a brilliant video on the zero sum game mindset.
- shagie 5y ago
  I'll grant the need for connection associated with a monogamist relationship. The path my life has lead me through has gotten to the amount of effort to find and establish that relationship as part of courtship isn't worth it / required too much. Trying to find that relationship in SV in the late 90s through 00s when my life was most flexible lead to some substantial disappointments. At this point, I'm not going to be looking for a woman in her 40s or 50s to try to settle down with - it just doesn't make sense. I don't have a desire to pursue the financial and time obligations of courtship. In the frame of "win lose", finding the right person is win-win. However, trying and not finding someone enough times leaves one rather averse to trying again. One could try to attribute this to learned helplessness. Trying again isn't enjoyable / rewarding. As it is, I am reasonably happy, content, and successful by myself. I have the resources and time to pursue what interests me to what I feel is a greater amount than if I was in a partnered relationship.
- floatingatoll 5y ago
  Western culture also frequently confuses (seemingly intentionally) the need for human connection and relationships with a societal pressure to reproduce. There are quite a lot of people who desire the former and not the latter, which opens the door to having a satisfactory social life without dating or marriage at all.