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Every time I see one of these 'how to make friends and influence people' sort of lists, I can't help but fear for the young people who will take them as gospel

Every time I see one of these 'how to make friends and influence people' sort of lists, I can't help but fear for the young people who will take them as gospel and act like a robot, moving through them as a checklist. Also, this one is summed up as - pay attention to non-verbal communication (body language), pay attention to group dynamics, be available and in proximity when appropriate and available fluidly, get people to talk about themselves, and be interested in other people. In other words, act like a person who is trying to make friends with another person.

parthdesai 5y ago
yeah, basically it's these two rules: 1) Be nice 2) Don't be an asshole
ashtonkem 5y ago
Turns out the fastest way to make someone like you is to actually pay attention to them. Most people are so focused on what they’re going to say next that they don’t listen fully, and people really like feeling like they’ve been heard.
- agumonkey 5y ago
  I have a little theory. The best way is to pay attention to the group. Not a person, not you, the group.
- cottager2 5y ago
  In certain circumstances, maybe. But most people also want to smile, laugh, and to be entertained by the conversation. Evoking those responses requires charisma.
d23 5y ago
And yet it seems so rare. I can get people talking about themselves for an endless amount of time. Rarely do I come across anyone who actually seems to do the same for others.
- asciident 5y ago
  Even more awkward is when you're having a conversation with someone who is trying even harder to get you to talk about yourself, while you're trying to do some of the same. Then it's a competition to see who can say the least before asking "and what about you?"
agumonkey 5y ago
I concur. Also I'm fascinated how in those days, in the US, anything was a business. Any microscopic hurdle can be turned into profit by selling your experience and whatever little trick you found to gain whatever little edge. We're people, stop trying to have skills to win a spot in society. This is all fear induced, because we all feel like we need a spot in the social tissue. But playing that game makes you often very shallow. There's a lot to say about social dynamics and these are only the beginning and in the end it doesn't provide real value: long term quality bonds.
- darepublic 5y ago
  Getting people to like you is an ancient evolved skill, not a new fangled US created contraption. And it's a good way to develop long term quality bonds
throw3849 5y ago
You assume all people are well socialised and already understand non-verbal communication. Some people do not recognise different faces, let alone facial expressions. This sort of checklists are very helpfull.
wayneftw 5y ago
So, giving out good advice is bad because people might follow it robotically or get it wrong in some other way? I'm not sure what my conclusion should be. I don't see a problem with this list.
tartoran 5y ago
It seems like charming psychopaths are using most of these checklists to further their goals and fly under the radar. One must admit that these checklists are just common sense and not bad in themselves, what is bad is the goal of winning people over for attaining some nefarious goal or gain some advantage.
Dove 5y ago
My favorite theme of the referenced book is that the best way to get people to like you is to act like you care about them, and the best way to act like you care about them is to actually care about them. Tactics are worth knowing, but nothing replaces authenticity.
go_prodev 5y ago
> Every time I see one of these 'how to make friends and influence people' sort of lists, I can't help but fear for the young people who will take them as gospel and act like a robot, moving through them as a checklist. Not a "young person" anymore, but with all of the recent isolation, I think this will be helpful for me and presumably others who are reemerging into society and hoping to find people to spend time with. Thanks for the tip though...must remember it's not a checklist!
throwaway0a5e 5y ago
>Every time I see one of these 'how to make friends and influence people' sort of lists, I can't help but fear for the young people who will take them as gospel and act like a robot, moving through them as a checklist. Guides that distill complex things into detail free free checklists and absolute rules that have lost so much nuance they are useless are wildly popular.
necrosyne 5y ago
> In other words, act like a person who is trying to make friends with another person. Nah, I'm good.
yetihehe 5y ago
> In other words, act like a person who is trying to make friends with another person. Yeah, but "act like a person who is trying to make friends with another person" is unusable when you don't know how to make friends. It's like with holy texts saying "Love thy neighbour", but Kamasutra is more specific.
drsnow 5y ago
"I can't help but fear for the young people who will take them as gospel and act like a robot, moving through them as a checklist." Why?

parthdesai 5y ago

yeah, basically it's these two rules: 1) Be nice 2) Don't be an asshole

ashtonkem 5y ago

Turns out the fastest way to make someone like you is to actually pay attention to them. Most people are so focused on what they’re going to say next that they don’t listen fully, and people really like feeling like they’ve been heard.

agumonkey 5y ago
I have a little theory. The best way is to pay attention to the group. Not a person, not you, the group.
cottager2 5y ago
In certain circumstances, maybe. But most people also want to smile, laugh, and to be entertained by the conversation. Evoking those responses requires charisma.

d23 5y ago

And yet it seems so rare. I can get people talking about themselves for an endless amount of time. Rarely do I come across anyone who actually seems to do the same for others.

asciident 5y ago
Even more awkward is when you're having a conversation with someone who is trying even harder to get you to talk about yourself, while you're trying to do some of the same. Then it's a competition to see who can say the least before asking "and what about you?"

agumonkey 5y ago

I concur. Also I'm fascinated how in those days, in the US, anything was a business. Any microscopic hurdle can be turned into profit by selling your experience and whatever little trick you found to gain whatever little edge. We're people, stop trying to have skills to win a spot in society. This is all fear induced, because we all feel like we need a spot in the social tissue. But playing that game makes you often very shallow. There's a lot to say about social dynamics and these are only the beginning and in the end it doesn't provide real value: long term quality bonds.

darepublic 5y ago
Getting people to like you is an ancient evolved skill, not a new fangled US created contraption. And it's a good way to develop long term quality bonds

throw3849 5y ago

You assume all people are well socialised and already understand non-verbal communication. Some people do not recognise different faces, let alone facial expressions. This sort of checklists are very helpfull.

wayneftw 5y ago

So, giving out good advice is bad because people might follow it robotically or get it wrong in some other way? I'm not sure what my conclusion should be. I don't see a problem with this list.

tartoran 5y ago

It seems like charming psychopaths are using most of these checklists to further their goals and fly under the radar. One must admit that these checklists are just common sense and not bad in themselves, what is bad is the goal of winning people over for attaining some nefarious goal or gain some advantage.

Dove 5y ago

My favorite theme of the referenced book is that the best way to get people to like you is to act like you care about them, and the best way to act like you care about them is to actually care about them. Tactics are worth knowing, but nothing replaces authenticity.

go_prodev 5y ago

> Every time I see one of these 'how to make friends and influence people' sort of lists, I can't help but fear for the young people who will take them as gospel and act like a robot, moving through them as a checklist. Not a "young person" anymore, but with all of the recent isolation, I think this will be helpful for me and presumably others who are reemerging into society and hoping to find people to spend time with. Thanks for the tip though...must remember it's not a checklist!

throwaway0a5e 5y ago

>Every time I see one of these 'how to make friends and influence people' sort of lists, I can't help but fear for the young people who will take them as gospel and act like a robot, moving through them as a checklist. Guides that distill complex things into detail free free checklists and absolute rules that have lost so much nuance they are useless are wildly popular.

necrosyne 5y ago

> In other words, act like a person who is trying to make friends with another person. Nah, I'm good.

yetihehe 5y ago

> In other words, act like a person who is trying to make friends with another person. Yeah, but "act like a person who is trying to make friends with another person" is unusable when you don't know how to make friends. It's like with holy texts saying "Love thy neighbour", but Kamasutra is more specific.

drsnow 5y ago

"I can't help but fear for the young people who will take them as gospel and act like a robot, moving through them as a checklist." Why?