9 ms·

Beyond small talk: Study finds people enjoy deep conversations with strangers

222 points by starkd 5y ago

satellites 5y ago
I’m glad it’s not just me. I enjoy deep conversations with strangers more than I do with people close to me, a lot of times. I don’t know what that says but I find the experience can be very enriching and cathartic.
- thatsamonad 5y ago
  I think generally it’s easier to have these kinds of conversations with strangers because there aren’t any existing “roles” or identities in the mix based on past experience. You have a lot more freedom to explore ideas when you aren’t tied down by certain interpersonal epistemological assumptions.
- bserge 5y ago
  It's offline Reddit lol, you can talk about almost anything knowing that you'll never meet this person again if you don't want to.
SethMurphy 5y ago
They have just discovered the value of sitting solitaire on a barstool. Random social interactions avoid echo Chambers and free us of algorithmic information influence.
- smackeyacky 5y ago
  One of the things I miss about travelling. Pulling up at a small town pub and meeting the locals. They haven't heard your stories a thousand times and you haven't heard theirs. It's fun, sometimes sad, always interesting.
technological 5y ago
That’s why I love traveling in public transport (bus) during undergrade in india. It gave me opportunity to interact with so many strangers and also helped expand my thinking/ability to understand by listening to so many different experiences
- rapind 5y ago
  It’s also what I loved the most about backpacking when I was younger. I started out so uptight and unapproachable with the constant new faces, but forced myself to socialize and eventually I became comfortable and a social risk taker. I would often spot others where I used to be (in my head) and include them in whatever was going on. I sometimes think I could have kept going forever and be happy just subsisting except for all the casual drinking etc.
xmprt 5y ago
I think that makes a lot of sense. It's not often that you get to speak about your deepest feelings to someone with no strings or consequences attached. A stranger might judge you but at least you're not going to see them the next day. The same can't be said for acquaintances or friends. It's a shame that talking to strangers on buses and trains isn't more normalized.
awb 5y ago
If anyone is interested in practicing having deep connection in a structured format, there are “authentic relating” groups that meet locally and virtually that you might be able to get involved with. ART is hosting an authentic relating circle twice a week for free on Zoom until the end of the year. Details here: https://authenticrelating.co/art-community-circles/ https://authenticrelating.co/art-community-circles/ I’m not affiliated with ART but I have attended their circles and find them helpful for satiating that need for deep interactions, especially during the pandemic.
- puzzledobserver 5y ago
  Early in the pandemic, I learned of an app called Dialup which offered a service called Quarantine Chat. They call my telephone at some random time every day, and I am connected to some other random Dialup user, somewhere else in the world. Most often, conversations never moved past the awkward stage. I've not accepted calls from them for many months now, but I did have a few interesting/memorable conversations on the app, from people in my own city, to people halfway around the world.
  - noisy_boy 5y ago
    I have not used the app so I don't know about the settings available. However, if it calls at purely random times during the day, you may not be in a state of mind for such conversations. Whereas in a more "organic" setting, you have primed yourself for it and if the other party is happy to participate, it will probably be more mutually enjoyable.
    - messo 5y ago
      Last I used Dialup, you subscribe to topics and can choose between different schedules with different frequency. This makes it predictable enough to work. You can always hang up when you get a call.
postingawayonhn 5y ago
I don't see this as particularly surprising. We're an inherently social species that has an instinctive desire to gather as much information as we can.
senkora 5y ago
A podcast with a similar premise is https://www.beautifulanonymouspodcast.com/ https://www.beautifulanonymouspodcast.com/ I say similar because the host is always the same person, but it's always an hour-long deep conversation with an anonymous guest about whatever they want to talk about. I don't often listen to it because it's not something I can really leave on in the background (I end up paying too much attention to it) but when I do, I do enjoy it.
wombatmobile 5y ago
What's liberating about talking with strangers is they don't know who you are, where you came from, what you've done, what you haven't done, who you know, or what you're like. You can say whatever you say knowing you can't be judged by or held to some constraint from the past. If your views on euthanasia are changing, because you suddenly have a close elderly relative or an associate whose circumstances are changing, a stranger won't berate you for having attended church for most of your life, even though you advocated the church's ideals which included no support for euthanasia. You can just talk about that subject in the context of your current circumstances, needs, and beliefs. That's liberating and likely to be informative. If you want to try out or finesse a different political point of view, such as that capital gains should be taxed more or less, or the death penalty is immoral, or social security should be limited to people who have worked and paid taxes for a minimum of 7 years, you can try that with a stranger and just listen to what they say, without having to assure them that you are from a friendly tribe or that you have an open mind, because they won't know your income or your status or your voting record. When you speak points of view in an anonymous guise, or at least, one that isn't tethered to any prior baggage, you gain an opportunity to refresh your understanding in ways that you normally don't get from people who have such well developed expectations about you that they can't really hear what you are saying. The same is true in deeply personal matters such as affairs of the heart, and confessions of moral confusion and even complicity in crimes. For many people, it's not until they hear someone's completely independent echo of a picture they've painted of themself that they begin to see themselves in a different light. The great thing about this process is it isn't limited to one stranger, in the same way that your conversations with your bff is limited to only your bff. Strangers are everywhere, and once you know how to strike up a meaningful conversation with them, you can do it again and again. If you've never had this kind of conversation with a stranger, how can you be sure you know who you are?
- robbedpeter 5y ago
  This is a critical element of why online discussion forums and anonymity are so powerfully liberating. You can discard the social masks you wear among friends and family, and try different ideas and viewpoints. There's no price to be paid at the judgment of strangers. It's perceived to be significantly more difficult to approach strangers in the real world, and successful relationships seem to fix people into whatever patterns initiated it. Successfully developing the ability to approach strangers in real life is more potent than anything online - it can be unhealthy, as with pickup artists, or joining evangelistic cults, mlm, and so on, but socialization at that level seems to be a common trait among highly interesting people.
marsdepinski 5y ago
Study finds water feels wet.
8bitsrule 5y ago
Ran across this earlier today: “For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…” -- Tim Leary [https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/514216-admit-it-you-aren-t-like-them-you-re-not-even-close https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/514216-admit-it-you-aren-t-...]
- willhinsa 5y ago
  Absolutely. But I've found that small talk sows the seeds for a much better landing. It's not something I find myself wanting to life hack away. Because often the small talk transforms within a couple of minutes or even seconds into something "Real" or "Unique" (quotes around those words not because I don't think small talk isn't real or unique, but what likely a lot of people might think. Basically, what I mean by "Real" or "Unique" is to say, transcendental.) YMMV, but it's been my experience that small talk is a skill that you can exercise and has its own value, not simply something to be waited through until you can get to something of substance.
  - deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]
  - taxicabjesus 5y ago
    > Because often the small talk transforms within a couple of minutes or even seconds into something "Real" or "Unique" I used small talk to figure out if my passengers had something interesting that I'd be interested in knowing about. Standard Questions -> specific questions. > YMMV, but it's been my experience that small talk is a skill that you can exercise and has its own value, "The most important thing about learning to talk to strangers is practice. Taxi driving gave me lots of new people to talk to every day." - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27835024 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27835024 (submission: "The vital art of talking to strangers")
Null5911 5y ago
I have talked to over 400 strangers from 4chan over the past year. The first thing I ask is "Are you happy?" The conversation becomes worthwhile every time. Null#5911 in case anyone wishes to talk.
tluyben2 5y ago
My wife wrote a book about this [0], which is a bestseller in our country and she gives a lot of talks and workshops (individuals/companies) where she found this indeed to be true. Once over the first barrier, people can pretty rapidly sink into personal and sensitive subjects. Often things you think; should you be saying this to me? [0] https://www.amazon.com/Small-Talk-Survival-meaningful-graceful-ebook/dp/B09DW91Z77 https://www.amazon.com/Small-Talk-Survival-meaningful-gracef...
J253 5y ago
Somewhat related, in high school I took a photography class and on the first dark room day, we got paired randomly with someone else in the class to practice taking film out of the canister and a few other dark room things. The person I got paired with and I were from very different circles and would never have exchanged words if it wasn’t for this exercise. We were only in that room for 15-20 minutes, but I had some of the deepest most genuine conversation I’ve ever had in that sort period of time. After we left the room, we never spoke again. Something about the safety of blindness made us feel comfortable with each other. If I had instead struck up an AIM chat or a phone call with this person, I guarantee the conversation topics would have been very different. The physical presence, our actual voices, the absence of light…something about that combination made the experience quite profound for my young self.
- newby 5y ago
  That reminds me of the "deviance in the dark" psychology experiment - they were describing similar effects, sometimes even more personal, like strangers hugging, touching or even kissing if I remember correctly. I learned about this from this comic: https://www.stuartmcmillen.com/comic/deviance-in-the-dark https://www.stuartmcmillen.com/comic/deviance-in-the-dark
  - J253 5y ago
    Never heard of that experiment. Just read up on it, though. Fascinating! Thanks for sharing.
  - xyzzy21 5y ago
    Honestly I think there's an aspect of "dark" to the internet now - basically how Tinder works.
- elboru 5y ago
  As a kid I would randomly call numbers to play “pranks” to strangers. One day this nice old lady answered, she ignored my prank and just started a nice conversation with me, we spoke for hours. Thankfully I remembered her number and called her again several times, we had long conversations, that was a unique situation for me, since I was a shy kid who would rarely speak to adults. We made a special connection through randomness.
distantaidenn 5y ago
I'm a complete introvert, but this is one of my favorite pastimes. Just two strangers with no baggage. My close friend once joked that I attract random people for some reason, and I sometimes feel that she is right. I'm pretty quiet, and reserved, but for some reason I always end up meeting people during my night walks and have had all manner of conversations, offers, and interactions. I think some people just need someone to talk to that won't judge them. My recipe is the following: grab a drink from the nearest convenience store (ideally alcoholic), and set out into the night towards the busiest area you can find, and just watch the hustle and bustle. Just a sample of the adventures I've had: spending a couple hours wandering the streets of Tokyo with a couple Danish tourists during their last night in the city. Talking for a few hours in a park with an off-duty US military servicemen, after which he suggested we start running drugs from Mexico across the border -- no thank you. However, one of the most interesting, jarring, and thought provoking interactions I had was with a young man, of obvious African descent. This took place in Bangkok. I was out on one of my night walks, and as usual stopped by a convenience store to grab a drink. I noticed the young man, sitting on the curb, if I recall correctly, having a smoke. At the time, I was working in Bangkok as an American on a relatively cushy salary and high on life. So I walk over and strike up a conversation, expecting to hear about the adventures that led this gentleman to Thailand. So we chat for a bit, and I tell him about life in Thailand and working as an expat. I then ask him, "So what brought you out here?" He gave me a one word response, that made me realize how privileged I was. That word and his answer was, "war". He went one to explain that his country undergoing some internal conflict, and he had fled to find a better life. Here I was, a relatively happy and well-paid American -- I really had no response other than listening to his story. We sat there a bit longer just talking about life -- two people from vastly different experiences, sitting on a convenience store curb and enjoying a chat and a drink.
- hannob 5y ago
  > I'm a complete introvert No offense, but are you sure? Because the rest of your text sounds like you are absolutely not.
  - beebeepka 5y ago
q-base 5y ago
I think that this is one of the lessons from the pandemic as well. A lot of people have underestimated the meaning and impact of loosely coupled/superficial relationships. The small conversations we could have with co-workers and strangers that was impossible because of lock-down or which was avoided to keep contact to a minimum. I know that some people prefer to keep to themselves, but as this study also underlines, the majority of people are social creatures and we thrive on interactions - even with strangers.
agumonkey 5y ago
It's a bit on the therapy side of things but a girl on YouTube named thoraya maronesy puts mics and cam to let people discuss whatever. Sometimes together, sometimes with other strangers. Worth taking a peek.
_def 5y ago
I think it's strange and sad that if you, for example, use public transport, there are so many people and nobody talks. Of course it depends where you live and I understand that not everyone wants to talk anytime, but at least where I live it is expected to not talk to strangers.
- mLuby 5y ago
  To me it's respectful. People on a bus or train can't really leave, so they'd have to listen to your conversation (until headphones, that is).
joelbluminator 5y ago
Beyond smalltalk it's definitely Ruby
- goatlover 5y ago
  Yes, but then you realize the smalltalk had a lisp all this time.
elisom78 5y ago
For me, as an introvert, this is strange, since it is difficult for me to be the first to start a conversation or to ask something, and telling the first person I meet something very personal is generally fantastic. But I can agree that this is a very interesting experience.
arbus_dev 5y ago
Isn't that obvious? Didn't know that a STUDY should have been conducted to know this:)
- HashedGuy 5y ago
  'Rationalization of the idea' as Nassim would say haha
- derbOac 5y ago
  Actually, I'm not so sure it's obvious, and I have concerns about how the study is being interpreted. People don't actually just go around talking to strangers, so if it was something everyone loved there must be a reason it doesn't happen more often. I think this is a case where experimental or study context actually is really important. If you're in an experimental context where you're either aware of the general scenario to occur, or that something unusual might occur, talking to a stranger is really different from out in the real world. That is, sitting in a lab room knowing that what you're about to do might be unusual, and is occurring in the context of a study, being monitored by researchers, is really different from being approached by a stranger with an unknown agenda at an unexpected moment. Even the willingness to participate suggests a different scenario. The people willing to participate might be different, and in the very least are willing to do so in that moment. For instance, in the paper they asked people to approach others on a London train, but my guess is the people who would be most irritated by talking to a stranger (or having them talk to you) avoided the researchers entirely or declined to participate. I think there are a lot of benefits to talking to strangers, but there can also be a lot of costs, and when it's occcurring in a totally unregulated environment can be slightly risky. I'm not at all suggesting people shouldn't talk to strangers but I think the study is being extremely misinterpreted. To me it's a prime example of how study context creates limitations to generalizability, something that should be discussed in introductory college psychology courses.
al3xandre 5y ago
What about creating a chatroulette for deep conversations only? Participants could rate willingness to engage in dee conversation and you would quickly only keep the right kind of people on the platform.
- qnsi 5y ago
  I dont think technology is an answer. Do it the old fashioned way, go out in the wild and talk to some strangers
siliconunit 5y ago
I'll try to setup a meetup group with these premises, see what happens. At this point in life I feel like telling younger (or not) people the things I learned about 'life' in general, maybe it's old news to them, maybe not. For example I feel age is the biggest lie/misconception we face sometimes, we are all 'kids' and at some point we get wrinkles and get ashamed and feel out of place, and younger people think we are different and 'settled' and the we discovered who knows what grown up/adult mysteries, while we are just old kids.
k__ 5y ago
My small talk often seems to be a deep conversion to people. Somehow, I got told multiple times that I'm a friend or even their best friend, by people who I didn't think much about. Which isn't bad for me, but I always felt a bit sad for those people...
qwerty456127 5y ago
I always feel very awkward saying banal things in response to meaningless questions so I avoid "small talk" and even simple "how are you?" at all costs, often by hurrying to cross the street when I notice someone who knows me. At the same time I'm almost always very interested in what do others actually feel, think and know and would be glad to have a meaningful conversation on any (preferably non-personal) subject with anybody.
- mahathu 5y ago
  Then don't say banal things or ask more interesting questions?
coldtea 5y ago
Cultures that don't treat strangers as threats, pests, or an opportunity to self-advertise, have known this for millenia...
pessimizer 5y ago
I've always read that something similar to this effect is the reason behind the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodo_bird_verdict https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodo_bird_verdict and the effectiveness of talk therapy. People just need to talk to someone who doesn't have ulterior motives, and without the need to maintain a relationship beyond the context of the conversation. Just being able to be honest without censorship, and to be exposed to direct criticism from someone who isn't afraid to hurt your feelings; just those things are healing and constructive. As a counterpoint, I have found myself intentionally equivocating while talking about obscure programming topics because of my relationship with the person who I was having the conversation with and the fact that I knew that a lot of their identity was wrapped up in a particular position on that topic. You don't want to hurt someone who you want to talk to again. Honest, deep exchanges with strangers can also be a crucible that finds people that you really do have a deep commonality with. If you're both completely unfiltered and still want to hang out with each other, that's a sign.
wintermutestwin 5y ago
I feel blessed to have some unknown quality that invites strangers to open up and reveal deep parts of themselves to me when I am engaged with them for even the most trivial of interactions. Connecting with all sorts of people in this way has really broadened my perspective on life in a healthy way. Unfortunately, I seem to have some other unknown quality that keeps people from making that initial approach. I am working on how to make that approach myself, but it often feels forced and I get nervous.
mountainboy 5y ago
Somehow I already knew this even without a "study". amazing.

222 points by starkd 5y ago

I’m glad it’s not just me. I enjoy deep conversations with strangers more than I do with people close to me, a lot of times. I don’t know what that says but I find the experience can be very enriching and cathartic.

thatsamonad 5y ago
I think generally it’s easier to have these kinds of conversations with strangers because there aren’t any existing “roles” or identities in the mix based on past experience. You have a lot more freedom to explore ideas when you aren’t tied down by certain interpersonal epistemological assumptions.
bserge 5y ago
It's offline Reddit lol, you can talk about almost anything knowing that you'll never meet this person again if you don't want to.

SethMurphy 5y ago

They have just discovered the value of sitting solitaire on a barstool. Random social interactions avoid echo Chambers and free us of algorithmic information influence.

smackeyacky 5y ago
One of the things I miss about travelling. Pulling up at a small town pub and meeting the locals. They haven't heard your stories a thousand times and you haven't heard theirs. It's fun, sometimes sad, always interesting.

technological 5y ago

That’s why I love traveling in public transport (bus) during undergrade in india. It gave me opportunity to interact with so many strangers and also helped expand my thinking/ability to understand by listening to so many different experiences

rapind 5y ago
It’s also what I loved the most about backpacking when I was younger. I started out so uptight and unapproachable with the constant new faces, but forced myself to socialize and eventually I became comfortable and a social risk taker. I would often spot others where I used to be (in my head) and include them in whatever was going on. I sometimes think I could have kept going forever and be happy just subsisting except for all the casual drinking etc.

xmprt 5y ago

I think that makes a lot of sense. It's not often that you get to speak about your deepest feelings to someone with no strings or consequences attached. A stranger might judge you but at least you're not going to see them the next day. The same can't be said for acquaintances or friends. It's a shame that talking to strangers on buses and trains isn't more normalized.

awb 5y ago

If anyone is interested in practicing having deep connection in a structured format, there are “authentic relating” groups that meet locally and virtually that you might be able to get involved with. ART is hosting an authentic relating circle twice a week for free on Zoom until the end of the year. Details here: https://authenticrelating.co/art-community-circles/ https://authenticrelating.co/art-community-circles/ I’m not affiliated with ART but I have attended their circles and find them helpful for satiating that need for deep interactions, especially during the pandemic.

puzzledobserver 5y ago
Early in the pandemic, I learned of an app called Dialup which offered a service called Quarantine Chat. They call my telephone at some random time every day, and I am connected to some other random Dialup user, somewhere else in the world. Most often, conversations never moved past the awkward stage. I've not accepted calls from them for many months now, but I did have a few interesting/memorable conversations on the app, from people in my own city, to people halfway around the world.
- noisy_boy 5y ago
  I have not used the app so I don't know about the settings available. However, if it calls at purely random times during the day, you may not be in a state of mind for such conversations. Whereas in a more "organic" setting, you have primed yourself for it and if the other party is happy to participate, it will probably be more mutually enjoyable.
  - messo 5y ago
    Last I used Dialup, you subscribe to topics and can choose between different schedules with different frequency. This makes it predictable enough to work. You can always hang up when you get a call.

postingawayonhn 5y ago

I don't see this as particularly surprising. We're an inherently social species that has an instinctive desire to gather as much information as we can.

senkora 5y ago

A podcast with a similar premise is https://www.beautifulanonymouspodcast.com/ https://www.beautifulanonymouspodcast.com/ I say similar because the host is always the same person, but it's always an hour-long deep conversation with an anonymous guest about whatever they want to talk about. I don't often listen to it because it's not something I can really leave on in the background (I end up paying too much attention to it) but when I do, I do enjoy it.

wombatmobile 5y ago

What's liberating about talking with strangers is they don't know who you are, where you came from, what you've done, what you haven't done, who you know, or what you're like. You can say whatever you say knowing you can't be judged by or held to some constraint from the past. If your views on euthanasia are changing, because you suddenly have a close elderly relative or an associate whose circumstances are changing, a stranger won't berate you for having attended church for most of your life, even though you advocated the church's ideals which included no support for euthanasia. You can just talk about that subject in the context of your current circumstances, needs, and beliefs. That's liberating and likely to be informative. If you want to try out or finesse a different political point of view, such as that capital gains should be taxed more or less, or the death penalty is immoral, or social security should be limited to people who have worked and paid taxes for a minimum of 7 years, you can try that with a stranger and just listen to what they say, without having to assure them that you are from a friendly tribe or that you have an open mind, because they won't know your income or your status or your voting record. When you speak points of view in an anonymous guise, or at least, one that isn't tethered to any prior baggage, you gain an opportunity to refresh your understanding in ways that you normally don't get from people who have such well developed expectations about you that they can't really hear what you are saying. The same is true in deeply personal matters such as affairs of the heart, and confessions of moral confusion and even complicity in crimes. For many people, it's not until they hear someone's completely independent echo of a picture they've painted of themself that they begin to see themselves in a different light. The great thing about this process is it isn't limited to one stranger, in the same way that your conversations with your bff is limited to only your bff. Strangers are everywhere, and once you know how to strike up a meaningful conversation with them, you can do it again and again. If you've never had this kind of conversation with a stranger, how can you be sure you know who you are?

robbedpeter 5y ago
This is a critical element of why online discussion forums and anonymity are so powerfully liberating. You can discard the social masks you wear among friends and family, and try different ideas and viewpoints. There's no price to be paid at the judgment of strangers. It's perceived to be significantly more difficult to approach strangers in the real world, and successful relationships seem to fix people into whatever patterns initiated it. Successfully developing the ability to approach strangers in real life is more potent than anything online - it can be unhealthy, as with pickup artists, or joining evangelistic cults, mlm, and so on, but socialization at that level seems to be a common trait among highly interesting people.

marsdepinski 5y ago

Study finds water feels wet.

8bitsrule 5y ago

Ran across this earlier today: “For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator (and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work) are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others…” -- Tim Leary [https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/514216-admit-it-you-aren-t-like-them-you-re-not-even-close https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/514216-admit-it-you-aren-t-...]

willhinsa 5y ago
Absolutely. But I've found that small talk sows the seeds for a much better landing. It's not something I find myself wanting to life hack away. Because often the small talk transforms within a couple of minutes or even seconds into something "Real" or "Unique" (quotes around those words not because I don't think small talk isn't real or unique, but what likely a lot of people might think. Basically, what I mean by "Real" or "Unique" is to say, transcendental.) YMMV, but it's been my experience that small talk is a skill that you can exercise and has its own value, not simply something to be waited through until you can get to something of substance.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- taxicabjesus 5y ago
  > Because often the small talk transforms within a couple of minutes or even seconds into something "Real" or "Unique" I used small talk to figure out if my passengers had something interesting that I'd be interested in knowing about. Standard Questions -> specific questions. > YMMV, but it's been my experience that small talk is a skill that you can exercise and has its own value, "The most important thing about learning to talk to strangers is practice. Taxi driving gave me lots of new people to talk to every day." - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27835024 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=27835024 (submission: "The vital art of talking to strangers")

Null5911 5y ago

I have talked to over 400 strangers from 4chan over the past year. The first thing I ask is "Are you happy?" The conversation becomes worthwhile every time. Null#5911 in case anyone wishes to talk.

tluyben2 5y ago

My wife wrote a book about this [0], which is a bestseller in our country and she gives a lot of talks and workshops (individuals/companies) where she found this indeed to be true. Once over the first barrier, people can pretty rapidly sink into personal and sensitive subjects. Often things you think; should you be saying this to me? [0] https://www.amazon.com/Small-Talk-Survival-meaningful-graceful-ebook/dp/B09DW91Z77 https://www.amazon.com/Small-Talk-Survival-meaningful-gracef...

J253 5y ago

Somewhat related, in high school I took a photography class and on the first dark room day, we got paired randomly with someone else in the class to practice taking film out of the canister and a few other dark room things. The person I got paired with and I were from very different circles and would never have exchanged words if it wasn’t for this exercise. We were only in that room for 15-20 minutes, but I had some of the deepest most genuine conversation I’ve ever had in that sort period of time. After we left the room, we never spoke again. Something about the safety of blindness made us feel comfortable with each other. If I had instead struck up an AIM chat or a phone call with this person, I guarantee the conversation topics would have been very different. The physical presence, our actual voices, the absence of light…something about that combination made the experience quite profound for my young self.

newby 5y ago
That reminds me of the "deviance in the dark" psychology experiment - they were describing similar effects, sometimes even more personal, like strangers hugging, touching or even kissing if I remember correctly. I learned about this from this comic: https://www.stuartmcmillen.com/comic/deviance-in-the-dark https://www.stuartmcmillen.com/comic/deviance-in-the-dark
- J253 5y ago
  Never heard of that experiment. Just read up on it, though. Fascinating! Thanks for sharing.
- xyzzy21 5y ago
  Honestly I think there's an aspect of "dark" to the internet now - basically how Tinder works.
elboru 5y ago
As a kid I would randomly call numbers to play “pranks” to strangers. One day this nice old lady answered, she ignored my prank and just started a nice conversation with me, we spoke for hours. Thankfully I remembered her number and called her again several times, we had long conversations, that was a unique situation for me, since I was a shy kid who would rarely speak to adults. We made a special connection through randomness.

distantaidenn 5y ago

I'm a complete introvert, but this is one of my favorite pastimes. Just two strangers with no baggage. My close friend once joked that I attract random people for some reason, and I sometimes feel that she is right. I'm pretty quiet, and reserved, but for some reason I always end up meeting people during my night walks and have had all manner of conversations, offers, and interactions. I think some people just need someone to talk to that won't judge them. My recipe is the following: grab a drink from the nearest convenience store (ideally alcoholic), and set out into the night towards the busiest area you can find, and just watch the hustle and bustle. Just a sample of the adventures I've had: spending a couple hours wandering the streets of Tokyo with a couple Danish tourists during their last night in the city. Talking for a few hours in a park with an off-duty US military servicemen, after which he suggested we start running drugs from Mexico across the border -- no thank you. However, one of the most interesting, jarring, and thought provoking interactions I had was with a young man, of obvious African descent. This took place in Bangkok. I was out on one of my night walks, and as usual stopped by a convenience store to grab a drink. I noticed the young man, sitting on the curb, if I recall correctly, having a smoke. At the time, I was working in Bangkok as an American on a relatively cushy salary and high on life. So I walk over and strike up a conversation, expecting to hear about the adventures that led this gentleman to Thailand. So we chat for a bit, and I tell him about life in Thailand and working as an expat. I then ask him, "So what brought you out here?" He gave me a one word response, that made me realize how privileged I was. That word and his answer was, "war". He went one to explain that his country undergoing some internal conflict, and he had fled to find a better life. Here I was, a relatively happy and well-paid American -- I really had no response other than listening to his story. We sat there a bit longer just talking about life -- two people from vastly different experiences, sitting on a convenience store curb and enjoying a chat and a drink.

hannob 5y ago
> I'm a complete introvert No offense, but are you sure? Because the rest of your text sounds like you are absolutely not.
- beebeepka 5y ago

q-base 5y ago

I think that this is one of the lessons from the pandemic as well. A lot of people have underestimated the meaning and impact of loosely coupled/superficial relationships. The small conversations we could have with co-workers and strangers that was impossible because of lock-down or which was avoided to keep contact to a minimum. I know that some people prefer to keep to themselves, but as this study also underlines, the majority of people are social creatures and we thrive on interactions - even with strangers.

agumonkey 5y ago

It's a bit on the therapy side of things but a girl on YouTube named thoraya maronesy puts mics and cam to let people discuss whatever. Sometimes together, sometimes with other strangers. Worth taking a peek.

_def 5y ago

I think it's strange and sad that if you, for example, use public transport, there are so many people and nobody talks. Of course it depends where you live and I understand that not everyone wants to talk anytime, but at least where I live it is expected to not talk to strangers.

mLuby 5y ago
To me it's respectful. People on a bus or train can't really leave, so they'd have to listen to your conversation (until headphones, that is).

joelbluminator 5y ago

Beyond smalltalk it's definitely Ruby

goatlover 5y ago
Yes, but then you realize the smalltalk had a lisp all this time.

elisom78 5y ago

For me, as an introvert, this is strange, since it is difficult for me to be the first to start a conversation or to ask something, and telling the first person I meet something very personal is generally fantastic. But I can agree that this is a very interesting experience.

arbus_dev 5y ago

Isn't that obvious? Didn't know that a STUDY should have been conducted to know this:)

HashedGuy 5y ago
'Rationalization of the idea' as Nassim would say haha
derbOac 5y ago
Actually, I'm not so sure it's obvious, and I have concerns about how the study is being interpreted. People don't actually just go around talking to strangers, so if it was something everyone loved there must be a reason it doesn't happen more often. I think this is a case where experimental or study context actually is really important. If you're in an experimental context where you're either aware of the general scenario to occur, or that something unusual might occur, talking to a stranger is really different from out in the real world. That is, sitting in a lab room knowing that what you're about to do might be unusual, and is occurring in the context of a study, being monitored by researchers, is really different from being approached by a stranger with an unknown agenda at an unexpected moment. Even the willingness to participate suggests a different scenario. The people willing to participate might be different, and in the very least are willing to do so in that moment. For instance, in the paper they asked people to approach others on a London train, but my guess is the people who would be most irritated by talking to a stranger (or having them talk to you) avoided the researchers entirely or declined to participate. I think there are a lot of benefits to talking to strangers, but there can also be a lot of costs, and when it's occcurring in a totally unregulated environment can be slightly risky. I'm not at all suggesting people shouldn't talk to strangers but I think the study is being extremely misinterpreted. To me it's a prime example of how study context creates limitations to generalizability, something that should be discussed in introductory college psychology courses.

al3xandre 5y ago

What about creating a chatroulette for deep conversations only? Participants could rate willingness to engage in dee conversation and you would quickly only keep the right kind of people on the platform.

qnsi 5y ago
I dont think technology is an answer. Do it the old fashioned way, go out in the wild and talk to some strangers

siliconunit 5y ago

I'll try to setup a meetup group with these premises, see what happens. At this point in life I feel like telling younger (or not) people the things I learned about 'life' in general, maybe it's old news to them, maybe not. For example I feel age is the biggest lie/misconception we face sometimes, we are all 'kids' and at some point we get wrinkles and get ashamed and feel out of place, and younger people think we are different and 'settled' and the we discovered who knows what grown up/adult mysteries, while we are just old kids.

k__ 5y ago

My small talk often seems to be a deep conversion to people. Somehow, I got told multiple times that I'm a friend or even their best friend, by people who I didn't think much about. Which isn't bad for me, but I always felt a bit sad for those people...

qwerty456127 5y ago

I always feel very awkward saying banal things in response to meaningless questions so I avoid "small talk" and even simple "how are you?" at all costs, often by hurrying to cross the street when I notice someone who knows me. At the same time I'm almost always very interested in what do others actually feel, think and know and would be glad to have a meaningful conversation on any (preferably non-personal) subject with anybody.

mahathu 5y ago
Then don't say banal things or ask more interesting questions?

coldtea 5y ago

Cultures that don't treat strangers as threats, pests, or an opportunity to self-advertise, have known this for millenia...

pessimizer 5y ago

I've always read that something similar to this effect is the reason behind the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodo_bird_verdict https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodo_bird_verdict and the effectiveness of talk therapy. People just need to talk to someone who doesn't have ulterior motives, and without the need to maintain a relationship beyond the context of the conversation. Just being able to be honest without censorship, and to be exposed to direct criticism from someone who isn't afraid to hurt your feelings; just those things are healing and constructive. As a counterpoint, I have found myself intentionally equivocating while talking about obscure programming topics because of my relationship with the person who I was having the conversation with and the fact that I knew that a lot of their identity was wrapped up in a particular position on that topic. You don't want to hurt someone who you want to talk to again. Honest, deep exchanges with strangers can also be a crucible that finds people that you really do have a deep commonality with. If you're both completely unfiltered and still want to hang out with each other, that's a sign.

wintermutestwin 5y ago

I feel blessed to have some unknown quality that invites strangers to open up and reveal deep parts of themselves to me when I am engaged with them for even the most trivial of interactions. Connecting with all sorts of people in this way has really broadened my perspective on life in a healthy way. Unfortunately, I seem to have some other unknown quality that keeps people from making that initial approach. I am working on how to make that approach myself, but it often feels forced and I get nervous.

mountainboy 5y ago

Somehow I already knew this even without a "study". amazing.