5 ms·

I personally find non-violent communication to be the most insulting way anyone can ever communicate. It's infantilizing and incredibly demeaning.

collegeburner 5y ago
Wow, you're right. I looked the term up out of curiosity and I would be legit offended if somebody talked to me like that, to the point where I'd absolutely leave over it. I wonder how it's handled when this is somebody's preferred way to communicate but others absolutely hate it.
- magicalist 5y ago
  > I would be legit offended if somebody talked to me like that, to the point where I'd absolutely leave over it talked like what?
- awb 5y ago
  I have experience there. Person B wants to have a difficult conversation with Person A and wants to use NVC to keep the passion low and understanding high. Person B says how they feel using NVC. Person A says “hey, just spit it out, talk to me like a normal person” Person B “spits it out” Person A gets angry and “gives it right back” to person B. Both parties fight until 1 walks away. In other words, if Person A is calm, NVC won’t trigger them. Person A usually wants Person B to drop NVC because they’re more comfortable fighting than they are finding a peaceful common understanding.
awb 5y ago
It’s premise is to express what’s going on with you internally without pointing the finger of blame or criticism. You don’t have to use it everyday all the time, but it’s helpful when things get heated to take a step back and own your experience without assumptions about what the other person is doing or feeling. Basically: I’m feeling ______. And I’m needing ______. So, here’s an example violent response: You obviously don’t understand NVC and you probably have serious issues in your own communication style if you find NVC insulting. And an example NVC response: I’m confused why you’d feel insulted by NVC. What about it feels demeaning to you? The violent response makes assumptions and lays the ground work for a confrontation. NVC makes no assumptions and lays the ground work for dialogue. Is the NVC response really the more insulting of the two in your point of view?
- mmastrac 5y ago
  It's incredibly easy for discussions to turn heated and non-productive when egos start feeling bruised. And then it's even harder to back down because it feels like pride is on the line.
- ShamelessC 5y ago
  > I’m confused why you’d feel insulted by NVC. What about it feels demeaning to you? This possesses a pompous tone in my opinion.
  - awb 5y ago
    This is the written word so you can attribute any tone you’d like. What happens if you try reading it in a compassionate tone? Or a curious tone?
    - ShamelessC 5y ago
      I really do think it's smarter to "just" speak informally and try not to be rude. Apologize if you upset anyone and be sincere when you do it. Don't ask questions for the sheer sake of fitting some HR/radical-candor script.
- honkdaddy 5y ago
  >I’m confused why you’d feel insulted by NVC. What about it feels demeaning to you? The reason myself, and maybe others, find this style of communication insulting is because it can come off as very condescending. It's clear that whomever is saying that disagrees with me, and I'd rather just have a real conversation about the disagreement itself rather than performatively centring the discussion around how it makes us "feel".
  - awb 5y ago
    You can pick and choose when to use NVC. I wouldn’t use it for a disagreement about what restaurant to go to. I would use it for a disagreement about money, sex, politics, etc. The more emotionally charged and existential the disagreement the more useful I’ve found NVC in avoiding those “real” conversations that turn into fights. Not saying it’s the only way. Some people are totally able to speak plainly with a sharp edge and then reconcile after.

collegeburner 5y ago

Wow, you're right. I looked the term up out of curiosity and I would be legit offended if somebody talked to me like that, to the point where I'd absolutely leave over it. I wonder how it's handled when this is somebody's preferred way to communicate but others absolutely hate it.

magicalist 5y ago
> I would be legit offended if somebody talked to me like that, to the point where I'd absolutely leave over it talked like what?
awb 5y ago
I have experience there. Person B wants to have a difficult conversation with Person A and wants to use NVC to keep the passion low and understanding high. Person B says how they feel using NVC. Person A says “hey, just spit it out, talk to me like a normal person” Person B “spits it out” Person A gets angry and “gives it right back” to person B. Both parties fight until 1 walks away. In other words, if Person A is calm, NVC won’t trigger them. Person A usually wants Person B to drop NVC because they’re more comfortable fighting than they are finding a peaceful common understanding.

awb 5y ago

It’s premise is to express what’s going on with you internally without pointing the finger of blame or criticism. You don’t have to use it everyday all the time, but it’s helpful when things get heated to take a step back and own your experience without assumptions about what the other person is doing or feeling. Basically: I’m feeling ______. And I’m needing ______. So, here’s an example violent response: You obviously don’t understand NVC and you probably have serious issues in your own communication style if you find NVC insulting. And an example NVC response: I’m confused why you’d feel insulted by NVC. What about it feels demeaning to you? The violent response makes assumptions and lays the ground work for a confrontation. NVC makes no assumptions and lays the ground work for dialogue. Is the NVC response really the more insulting of the two in your point of view?

mmastrac 5y ago
It's incredibly easy for discussions to turn heated and non-productive when egos start feeling bruised. And then it's even harder to back down because it feels like pride is on the line.
ShamelessC 5y ago
> I’m confused why you’d feel insulted by NVC. What about it feels demeaning to you? This possesses a pompous tone in my opinion.
- awb 5y ago
  This is the written word so you can attribute any tone you’d like. What happens if you try reading it in a compassionate tone? Or a curious tone?
  - ShamelessC 5y ago
    I really do think it's smarter to "just" speak informally and try not to be rude. Apologize if you upset anyone and be sincere when you do it. Don't ask questions for the sheer sake of fitting some HR/radical-candor script.
honkdaddy 5y ago
>I’m confused why you’d feel insulted by NVC. What about it feels demeaning to you? The reason myself, and maybe others, find this style of communication insulting is because it can come off as very condescending. It's clear that whomever is saying that disagrees with me, and I'd rather just have a real conversation about the disagreement itself rather than performatively centring the discussion around how it makes us "feel".
- awb 5y ago
  You can pick and choose when to use NVC. I wouldn’t use it for a disagreement about what restaurant to go to. I would use it for a disagreement about money, sex, politics, etc. The more emotionally charged and existential the disagreement the more useful I’ve found NVC in avoiding those “real” conversations that turn into fights. Not saying it’s the only way. Some people are totally able to speak plainly with a sharp edge and then reconcile after.