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One of my biggest pet peeves about human nature is around expectation. You do something nice for someone a few times and suddenly they expect the kindness. No

One of my biggest pet peeves about human nature is around expectation. You do something nice for someone a few times and suddenly they expect the kindness. Now kindness from you is just normal, not a pleasant surprise. In fact, you owe them the kindness. You've created a debt for yourself. And if you cease in your kindness, you've now harmed them, you've taken something owed to them!

gnulinux 5y ago
I fail to understand why this is such a big problem in non-professional settings. Yes, if I do a nice gesture to my boss I do not want him to assume this is the new normal, and I'm expected to do this nice thing on a regular basis. If they want me to do it on a regular basis, I want them to declare this as part of my job description. But friendship requires give and take. And, it seems to me, when you do a nice gesture to a friend, you're signaling them this is your end of the "give". As long as you stay friends I think it's expected of you that you'll continue doing yhings that are useful to your friend. Of course, you reserve your right to change the good deeds, but when you stop doing anything, it seems reasonable for your friend to question whether you're willing to continue the friendship.
- majkinetor 5y ago
  That distinction is artificial IMO - you maintain relationship because you have something to gain in either case, be it work or friendship (different things tho). Its not like situation you have with kids or family where "unconditional love" is a thing. So if friend expects nice guesture all the time, I will sooner or later think he is exploiting me (and other friends), has no measure and doesn't appreciate my time which will 100% of the time lead in my case to termination of the said "friendship".
  - rramadass 5y ago
    >situation you have with kids or family where "unconditional love" is a thing Even here you have to be careful. True Story: He had "made it" in the US with a "Green Card" and a promising future. His elderly parents were living by themselves in his home country and suddenly his Father passed away. Within a year he had to make a judgement call on whether to get back home to take care of his Mother (an ailing, helpless and needy woman) or continue with his life in the US. Filial piety, Affection and Love for his Mother made him choose the former option. The result? His job and career gone with an abandoned "Green Card" and nonexistent future. He has ended up as the sole caretaker and caregiver (living off of his savings) for almost a decade now. This is now the "norm" and the expectation is that he would continue doing it until the Mother's (or his) end. He is frustrated, angry with everybody (especially with his siblings) and is basically trapped for the foreseeable future. So what did his self-sacrifice gain him? An emotional decision cost him everything.
    - burntoutsophos 5y ago
      This True Story sounds suspiciously specific.. as if you know this person (who went through with the self-sacrifice) up close and personal.. unless you are implying that this person is none other than... In either case, please let 'him' know that there is atleast another human I know - who empathizes with your 'friend's' situation - someone who's been through somewhat similar stuff when her father was on the death bed - her self-sacrifice was also in vain and caused resentment against her siblings-with-excuses. However, she wisened up and acted practically when it came to her mother's demise. She wishes to recommend 'your friend' a movie[0] that captured some of the petty sibling problems that you may find relatable (won't solve it but then - Some problems are unsolvable). Also, it translated well from a local theatrical play into an AV medium with sharp & insightful dialogues. [0]Family Katta: https://www.primevideo.com/detail/0R9TTKN7U0DGT1L141HP48N76N https://www.primevideo.com/detail/0R9TTKN7U0DGT1L141HP48N76N
- nate_meurer 5y ago
  > As long as you stay friends I think it's expected of you that you'll continue doing things that are useful to your friend. There's a word for this: entitlement. It's a profoundly unpleasant character flaw. An entitled friend or family member is one who eventually wears you out, makes you resentful, and leaves them confused that everyone seems to avoid them. Don't be that person.
kubb 5y ago
I think friendships develop when people keep this exchange going for a long time. You can trust that your friend is not going to take advantage of you.
rramadass 5y ago
Right on the Money! More insidiously, if you get into this sort of mindset with Family and Relatives, there is a real danger of being trapped. Emotional Entrapment becomes Physical Entrapment and in many case leads to abuse. I am reminded of this quote by Bette Davis; “The weak are the most treacherous of us all. They come to the strong and drain them. They are bottomless. They are insatiable. They are always parched and always bitter. They are everyone’s concern and like vampires they suck our life’s blood.”

gnulinux 5y ago

I fail to understand why this is such a big problem in non-professional settings. Yes, if I do a nice gesture to my boss I do not want him to assume this is the new normal, and I'm expected to do this nice thing on a regular basis. If they want me to do it on a regular basis, I want them to declare this as part of my job description. But friendship requires give and take. And, it seems to me, when you do a nice gesture to a friend, you're signaling them this is your end of the "give". As long as you stay friends I think it's expected of you that you'll continue doing yhings that are useful to your friend. Of course, you reserve your right to change the good deeds, but when you stop doing anything, it seems reasonable for your friend to question whether you're willing to continue the friendship.

majkinetor 5y ago
That distinction is artificial IMO - you maintain relationship because you have something to gain in either case, be it work or friendship (different things tho). Its not like situation you have with kids or family where "unconditional love" is a thing. So if friend expects nice guesture all the time, I will sooner or later think he is exploiting me (and other friends), has no measure and doesn't appreciate my time which will 100% of the time lead in my case to termination of the said "friendship".
- rramadass 5y ago
  >situation you have with kids or family where "unconditional love" is a thing Even here you have to be careful. True Story: He had "made it" in the US with a "Green Card" and a promising future. His elderly parents were living by themselves in his home country and suddenly his Father passed away. Within a year he had to make a judgement call on whether to get back home to take care of his Mother (an ailing, helpless and needy woman) or continue with his life in the US. Filial piety, Affection and Love for his Mother made him choose the former option. The result? His job and career gone with an abandoned "Green Card" and nonexistent future. He has ended up as the sole caretaker and caregiver (living off of his savings) for almost a decade now. This is now the "norm" and the expectation is that he would continue doing it until the Mother's (or his) end. He is frustrated, angry with everybody (especially with his siblings) and is basically trapped for the foreseeable future. So what did his self-sacrifice gain him? An emotional decision cost him everything.
  - burntoutsophos 5y ago
    This True Story sounds suspiciously specific.. as if you know this person (who went through with the self-sacrifice) up close and personal.. unless you are implying that this person is none other than... In either case, please let 'him' know that there is atleast another human I know - who empathizes with your 'friend's' situation - someone who's been through somewhat similar stuff when her father was on the death bed - her self-sacrifice was also in vain and caused resentment against her siblings-with-excuses. However, she wisened up and acted practically when it came to her mother's demise. She wishes to recommend 'your friend' a movie[0] that captured some of the petty sibling problems that you may find relatable (won't solve it but then - Some problems are unsolvable). Also, it translated well from a local theatrical play into an AV medium with sharp & insightful dialogues. [0]Family Katta: https://www.primevideo.com/detail/0R9TTKN7U0DGT1L141HP48N76N https://www.primevideo.com/detail/0R9TTKN7U0DGT1L141HP48N76N
nate_meurer 5y ago
> As long as you stay friends I think it's expected of you that you'll continue doing things that are useful to your friend. There's a word for this: entitlement. It's a profoundly unpleasant character flaw. An entitled friend or family member is one who eventually wears you out, makes you resentful, and leaves them confused that everyone seems to avoid them. Don't be that person.

kubb 5y ago

I think friendships develop when people keep this exchange going for a long time. You can trust that your friend is not going to take advantage of you.

rramadass 5y ago

Right on the Money! More insidiously, if you get into this sort of mindset with Family and Relatives, there is a real danger of being trapped. Emotional Entrapment becomes Physical Entrapment and in many case leads to abuse. I am reminded of this quote by Bette Davis; “The weak are the most treacherous of us all. They come to the strong and drain them. They are bottomless. They are insatiable. They are always parched and always bitter. They are everyone’s concern and like vampires they suck our life’s blood.”