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> Every Negative Emotion is Driven by an Unmet Need > When you notice a negative emotion in someone, get curious about what that emotion might be — and try to

> Every Negative Emotion is Driven by an Unmet Need > When you notice a negative emotion in someone, get curious about what that emotion might be — and try to uncover the unmet need that accompanies it. ‘Are you feeling X because you’re needing Y?’. I have a sense that this practice could change the world and make life better for everyone. I wonder what it would take for everyone to start doing it.

BeetleB 5y ago
> I wonder what it would take for everyone to start doing it. Short answer: Critical mass Long answer: Probably will never hit critical mass. This is very hard to do on the fly and requires a lot of practice.
TameAntelope 5y ago
I just don't know what to do once I feel I've figured out their unmet needs and it's something they shouldn't need...
- sethammons 5y ago
  In non-violent communication, the needs (broadly) are: connection, physical well being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy, and meaning. Hard to argue against someone needing those. https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory
  - TameAntelope 5y ago
    Autonomy for an employee who makes bad decisions when left alone is hard to provide, for example.
    - sethammons 5y ago
      That's part of being a senior, leader, and/or manager. Their need doesn't go away. You work with the employee around how much of any of the following are appropriate: choice freedom, independence, space, and/or spontaneity. You help them grow. If the need can't be met because of mental issues, that is different.
      - TameAntelope 5y ago
        Their need is not in alignment with the company’s needs, and often yes it does seem to be a mental issue, some unfilled need elsewhere leaking into their professional life. Should I actively make decisions that increase the chance of the entire company failing, if it helps one individual feel more ownership? I will not do that.
watwut 5y ago
This is how abuse victims are often socialized and what they do. The people who stay in abusive relationships/workplaces or move from one abusive relationship to another. They assume themselves responsible for other peoples emotions. If others react negatively, they see it as their duty to adjust everything to that. And when they talk about abuse with people whobhave this expectation, this expectation, they get blamed to not twist themselves perfectly to abusers wishes. This is noble and sometimes works. But other times you need to set boundaries. You need to protect yourself even as abuser feels bad about it.
- sammalloy 5y ago
  I agree, but if you read the full text that I quoted out of context, it briefly concludes with the importance of setting boundaries, so your concerns are taken into account. I think if you read the entire text you'll agree that this isn't a problem.

BeetleB 5y ago

> I wonder what it would take for everyone to start doing it. Short answer: Critical mass Long answer: Probably will never hit critical mass. This is very hard to do on the fly and requires a lot of practice.

TameAntelope 5y ago

I just don't know what to do once I feel I've figured out their unmet needs and it's something they shouldn't need...

sethammons 5y ago
In non-violent communication, the needs (broadly) are: connection, physical well being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy, and meaning. Hard to argue against someone needing those. https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory
- TameAntelope 5y ago
  Autonomy for an employee who makes bad decisions when left alone is hard to provide, for example.
  - sethammons 5y ago
    That's part of being a senior, leader, and/or manager. Their need doesn't go away. You work with the employee around how much of any of the following are appropriate: choice freedom, independence, space, and/or spontaneity. You help them grow. If the need can't be met because of mental issues, that is different.
    - TameAntelope 5y ago
      Their need is not in alignment with the company’s needs, and often yes it does seem to be a mental issue, some unfilled need elsewhere leaking into their professional life. Should I actively make decisions that increase the chance of the entire company failing, if it helps one individual feel more ownership? I will not do that.

watwut 5y ago

This is how abuse victims are often socialized and what they do. The people who stay in abusive relationships/workplaces or move from one abusive relationship to another. They assume themselves responsible for other peoples emotions. If others react negatively, they see it as their duty to adjust everything to that. And when they talk about abuse with people whobhave this expectation, this expectation, they get blamed to not twist themselves perfectly to abusers wishes. This is noble and sometimes works. But other times you need to set boundaries. You need to protect yourself even as abuser feels bad about it.

sammalloy 5y ago
I agree, but if you read the full text that I quoted out of context, it briefly concludes with the importance of setting boundaries, so your concerns are taken into account. I think if you read the entire text you'll agree that this isn't a problem.