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I'm going to be joining that cohort one day. I've never wanted children. I wonder to what extent this is a function of me being a single guy? Bringing a chil

I'm going to be joining that cohort one day. I've never wanted children. I wonder to what extent this is a function of me being a single guy? Bringing a child into this world is a huge responsibility. I have no faith in my ability to protect and raise a child to adulthood without failing them in some way. Even if I somehow managed to raise a healthy, well adjusted child, there is also the specter of climate change. Is it ethical to bring a child into the world, when they will slowly watch the world they live in be slowly decimated by heat, drought, and rising seas? People have told me that I will regret my decision in old age. Maybe that's true, but if I ever get the urge to have kids, I'll simply volunteer, adopt or foster them. If they're already here on this earth, hopefully I can have a positive impact, and my conscience is clear.

cnlevy 5y ago
How about asking older people (having had children/childless) what they think about their own situation ?
- truted2 5y ago
  Humans have a tendency to post rationalize their choices. Once you’re stuck with the consequences of your actions you justify it in a way that’s psychologically acceptable to you.
  - cnlevy 5y ago
    Okay, then let have a study with elderly people, comparing percentage of childless people regretting their choice against percentage of those regretting having had children.
    - toomuchtodo 5y ago
      https://news.ufl.edu/archive/2003/04/uf-study-remaining-childless-does-not-lead-to-loneliness-in-old-age.html https://news.ufl.edu/archive/2003/04/uf-study-remaining-chil... https://ifstudies.org/blog/does-having-children-make-people-happier-in-the-long-run https://ifstudies.org/blog/does-having-children-make-people-... https://sciencenorway.no/ageing-childlessness-children/older-people-just-as-happy-without-children/1379299 https://sciencenorway.no/ageing-childlessness-children/older... https://www.open.ac.uk/researchprojects/enduringlove/sites/www.open.ac.uk.researchprojects.enduringlove/files/files/ecms/web-content/Final-Enduring-Love-Survey-Report.pdf https://www.open.ac.uk/researchprojects/enduringlove/sites/w...
gokhan 5y ago
Not having kids is totally valid. I have two and prefer it that way, can't imagine a life without them, as Jeff explains here[1]. Having a second one is no different (for me) than having only one, actually it's a tad better. So if the joy increases with # of kids around, why not have three then, why not four? And if you backtrack this idea, not having any kids is not bad at all. Just a different life. [1] https://blog.codinghorror.com/on-parenthood/ https://blog.codinghorror.com/on-parenthood/
haswell 5y ago
I'm not sure why you're getting downvoted - this seems like a pretty reasonable comment that explores one person's current thinking on the topic. I don't intend to have kids. I grew up in an abusive home, and I'm still working on attachment issues and CPTSD in my mid 30s. My rationale: this shit stops with me. Awareness and desire to address these issues isn't enough when I know I'm still exhibiting behaviors that I don't fully understand, and I won't propagate what my parents taught me. While I haven't 100% closed myself to the possibility of kids, I've decided (and accepted) that I will not pursue it without major personal progress, which currently has its own timetable, meaning the door is probably closed.
- runawaybottle 5y ago
  Divorce rates in America indicate that many people don’t consider this. Let’s say you don’t like interacting with certain people that often, then having a kid is kind of a reckless decision. You’ll need the help of your parents, your spouse’s parents, siblings, neighbors, etc to give the kid the optimal upbringing. Some people literally go ‘well I don’t like my partner anymore, so fuck this nuclear family shit’. If you have that in you, stay clear of parenthood.
  - haswell 5y ago
    > You’ll need the help of your parents, your spouse’s parents, siblings, neighbors, etc This touches on a really important factor for people like me with families like mine. Their involvement in the parenting process could be nothing negative and stressful. I'd never feel comfortable leaving my kids in their care. This is not just a pessimistic fear, but a reality I see in my siblings and their own interactions with our parents. This further complicates things, because I think one could argue that people with my background need more support than average, but we're less likely to have access to that support given our origins.
arkaniad 5y ago
Hear, hear. I've also found cultivating love and care for my chosen family of friends to fill the space where I feel people seek maternal/paternal satisfaction. You don't need to have a blood relation / dependent relation with someone to invest yourself in their joys and successes and be there for the rest. The added benefit is, some of these folks in my circle will likely have kids and being an unofficial aunt sounds like a good deal to me.

cnlevy 5y ago

How about asking older people (having had children/childless) what they think about their own situation ?

truted2 5y ago
Humans have a tendency to post rationalize their choices. Once you’re stuck with the consequences of your actions you justify it in a way that’s psychologically acceptable to you.
- cnlevy 5y ago
  Okay, then let have a study with elderly people, comparing percentage of childless people regretting their choice against percentage of those regretting having had children.
  - toomuchtodo 5y ago
    https://news.ufl.edu/archive/2003/04/uf-study-remaining-childless-does-not-lead-to-loneliness-in-old-age.html https://news.ufl.edu/archive/2003/04/uf-study-remaining-chil... https://ifstudies.org/blog/does-having-children-make-people-happier-in-the-long-run https://ifstudies.org/blog/does-having-children-make-people-... https://sciencenorway.no/ageing-childlessness-children/older-people-just-as-happy-without-children/1379299 https://sciencenorway.no/ageing-childlessness-children/older... https://www.open.ac.uk/researchprojects/enduringlove/sites/www.open.ac.uk.researchprojects.enduringlove/files/files/ecms/web-content/Final-Enduring-Love-Survey-Report.pdf https://www.open.ac.uk/researchprojects/enduringlove/sites/w...

gokhan 5y ago

Not having kids is totally valid. I have two and prefer it that way, can't imagine a life without them, as Jeff explains here[1]. Having a second one is no different (for me) than having only one, actually it's a tad better. So if the joy increases with # of kids around, why not have three then, why not four? And if you backtrack this idea, not having any kids is not bad at all. Just a different life. [1] https://blog.codinghorror.com/on-parenthood/ https://blog.codinghorror.com/on-parenthood/

haswell 5y ago

I'm not sure why you're getting downvoted - this seems like a pretty reasonable comment that explores one person's current thinking on the topic. I don't intend to have kids. I grew up in an abusive home, and I'm still working on attachment issues and CPTSD in my mid 30s. My rationale: this shit stops with me. Awareness and desire to address these issues isn't enough when I know I'm still exhibiting behaviors that I don't fully understand, and I won't propagate what my parents taught me. While I haven't 100% closed myself to the possibility of kids, I've decided (and accepted) that I will not pursue it without major personal progress, which currently has its own timetable, meaning the door is probably closed.

runawaybottle 5y ago
Divorce rates in America indicate that many people don’t consider this. Let’s say you don’t like interacting with certain people that often, then having a kid is kind of a reckless decision. You’ll need the help of your parents, your spouse’s parents, siblings, neighbors, etc to give the kid the optimal upbringing. Some people literally go ‘well I don’t like my partner anymore, so fuck this nuclear family shit’. If you have that in you, stay clear of parenthood.
- haswell 5y ago
  > You’ll need the help of your parents, your spouse’s parents, siblings, neighbors, etc This touches on a really important factor for people like me with families like mine. Their involvement in the parenting process could be nothing negative and stressful. I'd never feel comfortable leaving my kids in their care. This is not just a pessimistic fear, but a reality I see in my siblings and their own interactions with our parents. This further complicates things, because I think one could argue that people with my background need more support than average, but we're less likely to have access to that support given our origins.

arkaniad 5y ago

Hear, hear. I've also found cultivating love and care for my chosen family of friends to fill the space where I feel people seek maternal/paternal satisfaction. You don't need to have a blood relation / dependent relation with someone to invest yourself in their joys and successes and be there for the rest. The added benefit is, some of these folks in my circle will likely have kids and being an unofficial aunt sounds like a good deal to me.