4 ms·

Somewhat related, about 10 years ago I was in a tragic situation where someone I loved would be murdered but I couldn't speak out because of possible retaliatio

Somewhat related, about 10 years ago I was in a tragic situation where someone I loved would be murdered but I couldn't speak out because of possible retaliation against my family. I found myself compulsively walking randomly in the city every night for several nights. I would walk half way to a random destination only to change directions in 30 minutes convinced I was headed the wrong way forgetting the previous destination and repeatedly heading part way to successive random destinations. I did this night after night convinced there was a place I needed to go but in retrospect they were completely arbitrary and there was no purpose. I recently read the book Crime and Punishment and there is a scene a bit like this which suggests this may be in our DNA. To share further, I eventually spoke out (at some point you have to pick your poison) and the person did die suddenly and unexpectedly. The NYPD coroner eventually ruled out foul play, but the suspects the suspects left the country immediately after his death so it wouldn't have mattered. Had you plotted my path you would say that it was the walk of a person who is "lost", yet I knew the city perfectly. However it was accurate to say I was hopelessly lost. Changing subjects to lighten things up, I would assume there would be a metaphor for walking in way that parallels what your brain is doing when it is searching for a solution but I can't think of a word. Contemplative walks are certainly not erratic and discontinuous as described above. They are smooth and differentiable like a gradient descent.

agumonkey 5y ago
condolences for your loss, an oddly fascinating story I got into walking due to health reason, and there's a freedom seeking / search in it yes. The internal process of finding a path from idea to idea b is probably linked to the geometry of going from spot to spot. another thing about walking, is that it's free, and every fork in the road means you get to decide where you feel like you want to go, and that, to me, seems a deep need for our minds.
gexla 5y ago
I can lose my sense of location when walking in an area which I have driven around a lot but then try to walk. Same for an area which I try to walk at night when I have only been there previously during the day. Or the opposite.
- jcims 5y ago
  I had that situation the first time I smoked weed as an adult while visiting Seattle. The funny part is that I kept rediscovering the fact that I had no idea where I was or where I was going, just the compulsion to walk.
zics 5y ago
Crime and Punishment was the first thing that came to my mind while reading your story! Sorry for you lose and hope you are doing better now.
andy_ppp 5y ago
Do you still believe they were murdered? Who were these people? Which country is performing possible assassinations in America? Why would they want to murder your family member? So many questions!
- ReactiveJelly 5y ago
  Yeah the story about losing a family member to murder (a pretty rare form of death, AIUI) overshadows whatever they were saying about walking
- throwaway803453 5y ago
  I wasn't sure if my comment was in the spirit of HN given it's overly personal and is now totally irrelevant to the lithub post. But since you asked -- before the PD's conclusion I told myself I would just accept whatever they report. But doing that has now left me with the lifelong burden of falsely accusing two people of murder. The people were desperately poor in-laws. He was becoming cash poor but was still home equity rich and often commented that if he missed too many remittances he would likely be killed. Poisoning was rumored to be a common way to accelerate the inheritance process in his native country. When this is about to happen, the rumors start but everyone is afraid to do anything. I heard the rumor from a desperate family member but who then ended the conversation with "please don't say anything" and another implying they will take revenge. The in-laws came for a quick visit, he soon became so ill he ended up in the hospital and died, and then they quickly left. I have law enforcement buddies that mentioned poisoning can be extremely difficult to detect and prove and no one in his country could tell me names of poisons that were useful to his doctors. His doctors could not explain why he was so sick, and the coroner mentioned some health problems he found that could have killed him but implied that this conclusion was not strong.
  - amvalo 5y ago
    If he knew they were going to kill him why did he let them visit?
    - faeyanpiraat 5y ago

agumonkey 5y ago

condolences for your loss, an oddly fascinating story I got into walking due to health reason, and there's a freedom seeking / search in it yes. The internal process of finding a path from idea to idea b is probably linked to the geometry of going from spot to spot. another thing about walking, is that it's free, and every fork in the road means you get to decide where you feel like you want to go, and that, to me, seems a deep need for our minds.

gexla 5y ago

I can lose my sense of location when walking in an area which I have driven around a lot but then try to walk. Same for an area which I try to walk at night when I have only been there previously during the day. Or the opposite.

jcims 5y ago
I had that situation the first time I smoked weed as an adult while visiting Seattle. The funny part is that I kept rediscovering the fact that I had no idea where I was or where I was going, just the compulsion to walk.

zics 5y ago

Crime and Punishment was the first thing that came to my mind while reading your story! Sorry for you lose and hope you are doing better now.

andy_ppp 5y ago

Do you still believe they were murdered? Who were these people? Which country is performing possible assassinations in America? Why would they want to murder your family member? So many questions!

ReactiveJelly 5y ago
Yeah the story about losing a family member to murder (a pretty rare form of death, AIUI) overshadows whatever they were saying about walking
throwaway803453 5y ago
I wasn't sure if my comment was in the spirit of HN given it's overly personal and is now totally irrelevant to the lithub post. But since you asked -- before the PD's conclusion I told myself I would just accept whatever they report. But doing that has now left me with the lifelong burden of falsely accusing two people of murder. The people were desperately poor in-laws. He was becoming cash poor but was still home equity rich and often commented that if he missed too many remittances he would likely be killed. Poisoning was rumored to be a common way to accelerate the inheritance process in his native country. When this is about to happen, the rumors start but everyone is afraid to do anything. I heard the rumor from a desperate family member but who then ended the conversation with "please don't say anything" and another implying they will take revenge. The in-laws came for a quick visit, he soon became so ill he ended up in the hospital and died, and then they quickly left. I have law enforcement buddies that mentioned poisoning can be extremely difficult to detect and prove and no one in his country could tell me names of poisons that were useful to his doctors. His doctors could not explain why he was so sick, and the coroner mentioned some health problems he found that could have killed him but implied that this conclusion was not strong.
- amvalo 5y ago
  If he knew they were going to kill him why did he let them visit?
  - faeyanpiraat 5y ago