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As one who doesn't natively have a lot of EQ, my experience has been that people have been able to explain it to me. It's not an easy or pleasant process, thou

As one who doesn't natively have a lot of EQ, my experience has been that people have been able to explain it to me. It's not an easy or pleasant process, though. I strongly recommend Marshall Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication. It teaches a method communicating which, when followed, pushes you into introspection, understanding why your emotions are what they are, understanding what it is you want, and communicating those things clearly to other people.

cbozeman 5y ago
I love Nonviolent Communication, although I'm not good at implementing it and might never be. Research seems to know that so many of our traits are innate and are extremely difficult to change.
andrey_utkin 5y ago
Stalin would be killing it with Nonviolent Communication. Comrade Molotov! When I heard that your wife Polina Zhemchuzhina meets with Golda Meir, I felt scared because I have a need for security of my life and political position. Would you consider keeping working for me after I've arrested her using my secret police, charging her with treason, and sending her into internal exile? There's no way around the fact that having established power over someone makes it optimal to not care or otherwise push yourself to be virtuous towards that someone.
- NateEag 5y ago
  For sure. Malicious actions will always be malicious, no matter how you talk about them. I see Nonviolent Communication as a useful tool for people who genuinely want to be kinder and more empathic but don't know how. It's not going to magically cure human nature.
  - noptd 5y ago
    True, although FWIW NVC tends to come off as inauthentically appealing to emotion from the perspective of those who are aware of, but do not subscribe to it. That communication can then be perceived as manipulative and work against the communicator's original intent, even if the listener shares their underlying goals of wanting to be kinder and more empathetic. And since NVC has little impact on those who are malicious or acting in bad faith, it ends up doing more harm than good imo.
    - NateEag 5y ago
      Interesting. So far I've not encountered that effect. I wonder if it's a result of applying the formula mechanically rather than actually listening to and empathizing with the person the NVCer is talking to. Regardless, thanks for sharing your experience. It's something that hadn't occurred to me and I'm grateful that you shared it, as I now know to be aware of that as something that can happen and to watch for it.

cbozeman 5y ago

I love Nonviolent Communication, although I'm not good at implementing it and might never be. Research seems to know that so many of our traits are innate and are extremely difficult to change.

andrey_utkin 5y ago

Stalin would be killing it with Nonviolent Communication. Comrade Molotov! When I heard that your wife Polina Zhemchuzhina meets with Golda Meir, I felt scared because I have a need for security of my life and political position. Would you consider keeping working for me after I've arrested her using my secret police, charging her with treason, and sending her into internal exile? There's no way around the fact that having established power over someone makes it optimal to not care or otherwise push yourself to be virtuous towards that someone.

NateEag 5y ago
For sure. Malicious actions will always be malicious, no matter how you talk about them. I see Nonviolent Communication as a useful tool for people who genuinely want to be kinder and more empathic but don't know how. It's not going to magically cure human nature.
- noptd 5y ago
  True, although FWIW NVC tends to come off as inauthentically appealing to emotion from the perspective of those who are aware of, but do not subscribe to it. That communication can then be perceived as manipulative and work against the communicator's original intent, even if the listener shares their underlying goals of wanting to be kinder and more empathetic. And since NVC has little impact on those who are malicious or acting in bad faith, it ends up doing more harm than good imo.
  - NateEag 5y ago
    Interesting. So far I've not encountered that effect. I wonder if it's a result of applying the formula mechanically rather than actually listening to and empathizing with the person the NVCer is talking to. Regardless, thanks for sharing your experience. It's something that hadn't occurred to me and I'm grateful that you shared it, as I now know to be aware of that as something that can happen and to watch for it.