5 ms·

Sharing as a person who has on occasion been sad and lonely. Much like the difference between reading and writing, it’s very much possible to be skilled at und

by lovecg 5y ago

Sharing as a person who has on occasion been sad and lonely. Much like the difference between reading and writing, it’s very much possible to be skilled at understanding a social situation while at the same time having no clue how to respond appropriately. For me, “reading the room” is easy. “Writing the room,” so to speak, on the other hand will probably remain a lifelong awkward learning experience, and I don’t think I’ll ever be “fluent” in it. As is probably common, I did wonder if there’s something clinically wrong with me, but most screening tests I can find emphasize lack of understanding of social situations/facial expressions etc. which I’m just fine with.

ultimoo 5y ago
Could it be that you hesitate to "write" because you've accurately "read" the room? E.g. a toddler may find it easier to kick around a ball on a lawn vs. a kid kicking it around on a soccer field with boundaries, goal posts, and rules. To extend the analogy, everyone thinks the toddler is cute and doing a great job, but only the kid's parents think she's playing well.
- Cthulhu_ 5y ago
  There's merit in that; being highly conscious of others' behaviour makes one think others are similarly highly conscious, making you self-conscious and awkward. I mean it's projection too; I'm very judgmental about people, thinking they look stupid, so I tend to avoid doing anything weird in case people think I look stupid.
  - trangus_1985 5y ago
    i simply look stupid on purpose. i have a mohawk and now multiple tattoos. it kinda "breaks" that habit
- Aerroon 5y ago
  >Could it be that you hesitate to "write" because you've accurately "read" the room? And because you don't try (or try less often), you don't have as much experience with it.
  - runawaybottle 5y ago
    I’ll counter that and say once you realize there’s very little rationality behind emotions, you don’t take the fight on. Humans are emotional first. Again, anecdotal, the few that somewhat understand it are the ones that have been driven by emotion for long periods of time and have seen how out of control they are (not saying they are off doing crazy things). I’ll give a small example from work. There’s a business analyst who fucked up our product, but is very good friends with most of the team. Emotionally, the team take offense when he/she is called out. In fact, we have difficulty unraveling or changing the direction of some his/her decisions because they are protected. What do you do here? The group is wrong, but right, but wrong. I’m just bringing up simple work friends here. I haven’t even ventured into love, hate, childhood friends, family, parents, partners, religion, culture, children, identity, politics, money, dignity, pride, indignation, vengeance, retribution, redemption, all things Shakespearean. You cannot fight so many of these things, and literally need to wait it out until everyone in the room realizes and are ready to compromise. In short, some of these things are forgone conclusions, and it is depressing. That it often takes lifetime until everyone in the room gets it, and the only solace is at the end, where we take the little victory that at least everyone now understands. But, nothing got done as we all waited for everyone to go through the (e)motions.
- fighterpilot 5y ago
  Or could it be that they can "read" because they can't "write" the room? If you struggle to interact, you probably pay much more attention to what's going on than other people, as part of an attempt to learn how to do it.
fossuser 5y ago
I think it’s a skill that’s possible to get better at, but getting better at it requires some misery (trying, failing, being uncomfortable, making social mistakes) Being able to read the social situation is a prerequisite so if you’re truly good at that then it’s possible to improve. I think it’s a mixture of taking a genuine interest in other people, being good at story telling, and being able to gauge the interest of others in what you’re talking about. There’s also a lot to good delivery (part of good story telling) - watching good stand up comedy you can see this in action. It also helps to be doing or learning things that make for good story telling too.
Xplune13 5y ago
It feels like my mind got scanned. It is exactly the same in my case that I can read the room but I don't know how to behave or respond appropriately. I keep evaluating lot of scenarios in my head when I'm in the room and try to find how the outcome of doing/saying that specific thing might be rather than doing/saying that thing and around half the time, the time of saying/doing that thing has passed before I could make the decision.
ianai 5y ago
In my experience, people can over analyze and place too much emphasis on nonverbals like facial expressions. Ie it’s useful, sure, but don’t use nonverbals for the significant portion of your decision. That’s probably how you let prejudice into your actions.

by lovecg 5y ago

ultimoo 5y ago

Could it be that you hesitate to "write" because you've accurately "read" the room? E.g. a toddler may find it easier to kick around a ball on a lawn vs. a kid kicking it around on a soccer field with boundaries, goal posts, and rules. To extend the analogy, everyone thinks the toddler is cute and doing a great job, but only the kid's parents think she's playing well.

Cthulhu_ 5y ago
There's merit in that; being highly conscious of others' behaviour makes one think others are similarly highly conscious, making you self-conscious and awkward. I mean it's projection too; I'm very judgmental about people, thinking they look stupid, so I tend to avoid doing anything weird in case people think I look stupid.
- trangus_1985 5y ago
  i simply look stupid on purpose. i have a mohawk and now multiple tattoos. it kinda "breaks" that habit
Aerroon 5y ago
>Could it be that you hesitate to "write" because you've accurately "read" the room? And because you don't try (or try less often), you don't have as much experience with it.
- runawaybottle 5y ago
  I’ll counter that and say once you realize there’s very little rationality behind emotions, you don’t take the fight on. Humans are emotional first. Again, anecdotal, the few that somewhat understand it are the ones that have been driven by emotion for long periods of time and have seen how out of control they are (not saying they are off doing crazy things). I’ll give a small example from work. There’s a business analyst who fucked up our product, but is very good friends with most of the team. Emotionally, the team take offense when he/she is called out. In fact, we have difficulty unraveling or changing the direction of some his/her decisions because they are protected. What do you do here? The group is wrong, but right, but wrong. I’m just bringing up simple work friends here. I haven’t even ventured into love, hate, childhood friends, family, parents, partners, religion, culture, children, identity, politics, money, dignity, pride, indignation, vengeance, retribution, redemption, all things Shakespearean. You cannot fight so many of these things, and literally need to wait it out until everyone in the room realizes and are ready to compromise. In short, some of these things are forgone conclusions, and it is depressing. That it often takes lifetime until everyone in the room gets it, and the only solace is at the end, where we take the little victory that at least everyone now understands. But, nothing got done as we all waited for everyone to go through the (e)motions.
fighterpilot 5y ago
Or could it be that they can "read" because they can't "write" the room? If you struggle to interact, you probably pay much more attention to what's going on than other people, as part of an attempt to learn how to do it.

fossuser 5y ago

I think it’s a skill that’s possible to get better at, but getting better at it requires some misery (trying, failing, being uncomfortable, making social mistakes) Being able to read the social situation is a prerequisite so if you’re truly good at that then it’s possible to improve. I think it’s a mixture of taking a genuine interest in other people, being good at story telling, and being able to gauge the interest of others in what you’re talking about. There’s also a lot to good delivery (part of good story telling) - watching good stand up comedy you can see this in action. It also helps to be doing or learning things that make for good story telling too.

Xplune13 5y ago

It feels like my mind got scanned. It is exactly the same in my case that I can read the room but I don't know how to behave or respond appropriately. I keep evaluating lot of scenarios in my head when I'm in the room and try to find how the outcome of doing/saying that specific thing might be rather than doing/saying that thing and around half the time, the time of saying/doing that thing has passed before I could make the decision.

ianai 5y ago

In my experience, people can over analyze and place too much emphasis on nonverbals like facial expressions. Ie it’s useful, sure, but don’t use nonverbals for the significant portion of your decision. That’s probably how you let prejudice into your actions.