Talk with your partner about all this. How you feel, what you dream doing, how you dream doing it.. You said you want to be living/building-life together. So.

Talk with your partner about all this. How you feel, what you dream doing, how you dream doing it.. You said you want to be living/building-life together. So.. start doing it. just put all facts on the table, and only facts. Avoid wishfull thinking and definitely avoid "they will hate me" or "i'm no good" black-for-the-sake-of-black thinking. Look for any (kind of) opportunities.. i am sure you will find a way. you HAVE to. No point going insane, for money or not. good luck