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Re the idea that because someone interacted casually "the next day", they don't have a case: it's very normal for people who've been harassed to initially shrug

Re the idea that because someone interacted casually "the next day", they don't have a case: it's very normal for people who've been harassed to initially shrug things off, because it's just too jarring to their world-view to swerve their opinion of someone from "friend and mentor" to "creep". And it's very normal to come to understand that something was actually sexual harassment gradually, or when a third party says "no wait seriously that isn't right" and makes you face it. And then it's normal to be ambivalent about speaking up and take your time to do so.

aeturnum 5y ago
Being able to act without fully processing trauma is a deeply important evolutionary adaptation. Our brains will compartmentalize things to help us cope and survive and continue on, because our ancestors who didn't do it automatically were more likely to die. That's not to say we all react the same to trauma, but a common reaction is one of tiny adjustments and a slow dawning of the fullness of the experience. We also are surrounded by people who are well meaning but make mistakes and our socialization prepares us to be forgiving of them. To give time for repair. Abusers use those social structures (consciously or unconsciously) to give themselves space to do what they like. It's a big move to fully separate yourself from someone, and abusers see that if they can make it more comfortable to simply live further away from them, that they can continue without changing or facing the damage they have caused. I really encourage anyone who doesn't understand why assault or abuse reactions look this way to imagine what actions they might take if their current boss were to suddenly grab their genitals without warning or permission. There's an element of the personal violation that, I think, is difficult to appreciate - but the practicalities of addressing it are, I think, obvious once you start to imagine it. Who would you tell? What consequences would you suffer? How outlandish might you seem to peers, other managers, etc? Personal violations like this are deeply treacherous and the people who commit them take advantage of that fact to keep doing it.
AbrahamParangi 5y ago
More importantly, it may be necessary to act as if nothing happened to avoid retaliation.

aeturnum 5y ago

Being able to act without fully processing trauma is a deeply important evolutionary adaptation. Our brains will compartmentalize things to help us cope and survive and continue on, because our ancestors who didn't do it automatically were more likely to die. That's not to say we all react the same to trauma, but a common reaction is one of tiny adjustments and a slow dawning of the fullness of the experience. We also are surrounded by people who are well meaning but make mistakes and our socialization prepares us to be forgiving of them. To give time for repair. Abusers use those social structures (consciously or unconsciously) to give themselves space to do what they like. It's a big move to fully separate yourself from someone, and abusers see that if they can make it more comfortable to simply live further away from them, that they can continue without changing or facing the damage they have caused. I really encourage anyone who doesn't understand why assault or abuse reactions look this way to imagine what actions they might take if their current boss were to suddenly grab their genitals without warning or permission. There's an element of the personal violation that, I think, is difficult to appreciate - but the practicalities of addressing it are, I think, obvious once you start to imagine it. Who would you tell? What consequences would you suffer? How outlandish might you seem to peers, other managers, etc? Personal violations like this are deeply treacherous and the people who commit them take advantage of that fact to keep doing it.

AbrahamParangi 5y ago

More importantly, it may be necessary to act as if nothing happened to avoid retaliation.