4 ms·

I thought Indians largely looked down on dating, although maybe the times have changed in the last 10 years? I have many close Indian friends and they are all m

I thought Indians largely looked down on dating, although maybe the times have changed in the last 10 years? I have many close Indian friends and they are all married via arranged marriage. I’m pretty sure their American-born children will not marry via arranged marriage though and they have all come to grips with that. I remember talking with one of my friends about arranged marriage and she laughed in my face when I asked her what she thought about marrying for love. She said that marrying for love is a Hollywood myth and if you look around, did it really exist long term? She said compatibility was the most important thing, not love, which I found very interesting.

nodejs_rulez_1 5y ago
> She said compatibility was the most important thing, not love, which I found very interesting. Calmly explain to her that the best thing to do is to spend teens and 20s "finding yourself" and "experimenting" and "having fun" as a "free spirit" then to "settle down" in your 30s when you are "ready" and "know what you want".
- umangrathi 5y ago
  Somewhat of a personal understanding, settling down later in life is one of the key problems today. In early 20s you are flexible, by later 20s you gonna earn your own skin and ways of life. It becomes harder to gel up with someone else. In case you are luck, make it work early or as they say keep looking.
watwut 5y ago
The compatibility being important is something I was told and I live in Europe. The compatibility is talked about a lot on relationship forums too (for example on reddit) - including by Americans. Literally only place where the importance of compatibility is considered odd is HN. Here, compatibility and matching is never mentioned in debated about relationships. Everywhere else, it is considered important.
triceratops 5y ago
"Arranged marriage" in an Indian context doesn't necessarily imply "parents tell you who to marry". In many cases it's essentially parent-involved matchmaking. There may be a professional matchmaker or family astrologer who sources leads. The prospective bride and bridegroom consider multiple or even dozens of options, and discuss their favorites with their parents or other close relatives. The bride/groom visit each other a few times, with families in tow. After they reach an agreement, there's a few months-long engagement. The couple may stay in touch by telephone, social media, video calls, (often chaperoned) in-person visits, and so on. If either person finds a major red-flag during this time, they have the (rarely-used) nuclear option of breaking the engagement. (Source: I know Indian couples who have "arranged marriages" in the way I described). > She said compatibility was the most important thing, not love, which I found very interesting. Isn't that considered important in the West too? Advice such as "you have to agree on money, children, and religion; everything else is negotiable" or "you have to be able to make each other laugh" is thrown out pretty frequently. It's generally understood that relationships have a honeymoon phase, after which compatibility is a major factor in staying together. People who get married young sometimes don't understand this fully.
- benrapscallion 5y ago
  For a (somewhat fake) introduction to this concept, check out Indian Matchmaking on Netflix.
  - phonon 5y ago
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Suitable_Girl_(film) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Suitable_Girl_(film) was more realistic.
  - pm90 5y ago
    > (somewhat fake) To be clear, it doesn't seem fake, just something that only happens in the rich/upper classes. Most middle class Indians will not pay for professional matchmakers, they simply rely on their extended family/social networks to find ideal suitors for their (grown up) children.
- 5y ago
rocknor 5y ago
I don't think you know what "arranged marriage" really means. Previously it used to be that your parents would choose your partner for you and you didn't have a choice (well this was true everywhere in the world). This still happens in rural and lesser urbanized areas, but things are changing pretty fast. In urban areas, arranged marriage is basically Tinder with parents - but the goal is to optimize for long-term happiness. Also it's not like the partners never meet each other before marrying - it's usually at least a few meets to decide if they are compatible. If not, you just move on to the next family in the list. The idea is that compatibility is more important. If you're compatible, "love" will happen eventually. It's true that a few meets are not usually enough to judge compatibility, which is why arranged marriages are on their way out and will eventually die out.

nodejs_rulez_1 5y ago

> She said compatibility was the most important thing, not love, which I found very interesting. Calmly explain to her that the best thing to do is to spend teens and 20s "finding yourself" and "experimenting" and "having fun" as a "free spirit" then to "settle down" in your 30s when you are "ready" and "know what you want".

umangrathi 5y ago
Somewhat of a personal understanding, settling down later in life is one of the key problems today. In early 20s you are flexible, by later 20s you gonna earn your own skin and ways of life. It becomes harder to gel up with someone else. In case you are luck, make it work early or as they say keep looking.

watwut 5y ago

The compatibility being important is something I was told and I live in Europe. The compatibility is talked about a lot on relationship forums too (for example on reddit) - including by Americans. Literally only place where the importance of compatibility is considered odd is HN. Here, compatibility and matching is never mentioned in debated about relationships. Everywhere else, it is considered important.

triceratops 5y ago

"Arranged marriage" in an Indian context doesn't necessarily imply "parents tell you who to marry". In many cases it's essentially parent-involved matchmaking. There may be a professional matchmaker or family astrologer who sources leads. The prospective bride and bridegroom consider multiple or even dozens of options, and discuss their favorites with their parents or other close relatives. The bride/groom visit each other a few times, with families in tow. After they reach an agreement, there's a few months-long engagement. The couple may stay in touch by telephone, social media, video calls, (often chaperoned) in-person visits, and so on. If either person finds a major red-flag during this time, they have the (rarely-used) nuclear option of breaking the engagement. (Source: I know Indian couples who have "arranged marriages" in the way I described). > She said compatibility was the most important thing, not love, which I found very interesting. Isn't that considered important in the West too? Advice such as "you have to agree on money, children, and religion; everything else is negotiable" or "you have to be able to make each other laugh" is thrown out pretty frequently. It's generally understood that relationships have a honeymoon phase, after which compatibility is a major factor in staying together. People who get married young sometimes don't understand this fully.

benrapscallion 5y ago
For a (somewhat fake) introduction to this concept, check out Indian Matchmaking on Netflix.
- phonon 5y ago
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Suitable_Girl_(film) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Suitable_Girl_(film) was more realistic.
- pm90 5y ago
  > (somewhat fake) To be clear, it doesn't seem fake, just something that only happens in the rich/upper classes. Most middle class Indians will not pay for professional matchmakers, they simply rely on their extended family/social networks to find ideal suitors for their (grown up) children.
5y ago

rocknor 5y ago

I don't think you know what "arranged marriage" really means. Previously it used to be that your parents would choose your partner for you and you didn't have a choice (well this was true everywhere in the world). This still happens in rural and lesser urbanized areas, but things are changing pretty fast. In urban areas, arranged marriage is basically Tinder with parents - but the goal is to optimize for long-term happiness. Also it's not like the partners never meet each other before marrying - it's usually at least a few meets to decide if they are compatible. If not, you just move on to the next family in the list. The idea is that compatibility is more important. If you're compatible, "love" will happen eventually. It's true that a few meets are not usually enough to judge compatibility, which is why arranged marriages are on their way out and will eventually die out.