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I changed from extreme reluctance to engaging with strangers to the opposite, talking freely and easily to anyone, from age about 40. It changed my life, for t

I changed from extreme reluctance to engaging with strangers to the opposite, talking freely and easily to anyone, from age about 40. It changed my life, for the richer. It took a while to learn how. Most of my learning was unlearning - how to not feel awkward; how to not sound inquisitorial, superior or annoying, how to not be frightening. And some learning was constructive - how to talk about small stuff. I’d avoided that because I thought of myself as more consequential and intellectual than that, but I was wrong. In fact, talking about that bus, or that billboard, or that dog’s haircut, or that man’s coat, is key. People respond by answering in kind - friendly, upbeat and curious. They can do this precisely because the topics aren’t personal or weighty, but there’s enough content in expressing a sentiment or a point of view for them to make a small personal statement. Once a conversation with a stranger is started with the right energy, it’s as emotionally satisfying and meaningful as a casual conversation with a colleague or friend.

durnygbur 5y ago
It's a shame we learn to appreciate talking to strangers only around the middle age. In ages when it would be the most useful and fruitful - 20s, early 30s many fall into the "no bullshit" attitude, feel rebelious superiority, socialize only within cliques. As a single man I might chat with women in their 40s and older but that's too late (for them) to create family with children.
agumonkey 5y ago
Abandonment comes to mind. A lot of us is assumptions, leaving them aside makes from a more open minded experience.
CodeGlitch 5y ago
Same here. I'm an introvert so it doesn't come naturally, but a good tactic is to talk about a joint "thing" that affects both you and the other person. In the UK this is usually the weather "do you think the rain will ever stop?" - but this is boring and I avoid talking about the weather. Another example might be "they used to employ more people here" if you are both waiting in a queue (line) at a shop. You have to be careful not to come across as moaning / complaining, because you don't want to be that guy :)
leobg 5y ago
That sounds really powerful! Can you share more? What did you learn? How did you overcome your fear of sounding awkward? What made the difference in not coming across inquisitorial or superior? What would you say was holding you back the most in the past? If you could go back in time and coach yourself, what would you do to change yourself within one week?

durnygbur 5y ago

It's a shame we learn to appreciate talking to strangers only around the middle age. In ages when it would be the most useful and fruitful - 20s, early 30s many fall into the "no bullshit" attitude, feel rebelious superiority, socialize only within cliques. As a single man I might chat with women in their 40s and older but that's too late (for them) to create family with children.

agumonkey 5y ago

Abandonment comes to mind. A lot of us is assumptions, leaving them aside makes from a more open minded experience.

CodeGlitch 5y ago

Same here. I'm an introvert so it doesn't come naturally, but a good tactic is to talk about a joint "thing" that affects both you and the other person. In the UK this is usually the weather "do you think the rain will ever stop?" - but this is boring and I avoid talking about the weather. Another example might be "they used to employ more people here" if you are both waiting in a queue (line) at a shop. You have to be careful not to come across as moaning / complaining, because you don't want to be that guy :)

leobg 5y ago

That sounds really powerful! Can you share more? What did you learn? How did you overcome your fear of sounding awkward? What made the difference in not coming across inquisitorial or superior? What would you say was holding you back the most in the past? If you could go back in time and coach yourself, what would you do to change yourself within one week?