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> How is that sexist or condescending? It isn’t inherently, but context is important. In a culture of sexism, it’s not uncommon for women to use more passive l

> How is that sexist or condescending? It isn’t inherently, but context is important. In a culture of sexism, it’s not uncommon for women to use more passive language and more deferential tone than/with their male colleagues; sometimes this is a matter of adjusting communication in an effort to be heard, sometimes it’s a cultural difference where those communication styles are rooted in a broader set of instincts around inclusion and empathy. None of this is universal, of course. But it’s pervasive enough to be a trope. > Is it sexist if people give her the same advice that helped me? How could one have formulated that to be non-sexist but still useful advice? Let’s take another common trope about sexism as an analogy. There are a zillion variations of men giving women advice to “smile more”. One that often comes up in the workplace is “people have said they think you’re angry with them, they might be more receptive if you smiled more.” This is something that (1) is seldom said to men, and (2) would have a totally different connotation if it were. And bridging back from the analogy, uptalk (ending sentences in a way that sounds like a question) is often already a “smile more” type of effort or instinct. Turning that on its head and also advising against it is damned if you do or don’t, and from the same sexist culture effectively suggests women should really just be seen and not heard. None of that is implied or in context in the advice you received.

jfengel 5y ago
The "smile more" analogy is, I think, a good explanation of it. Women's behavior, including language, is tracked closely, and anything that stands out can be used as a justification for worse treatment. When the solution is "don't do that", rather than changing the culture to treat men and women the same, it's sexist. Uptalk doesn't actually sound like a question. It's similar, but nobody actually listening to the person is confused by it. Rather, it's singled out because it's a pattern associated with women. Women are constantly being monitored for gender-specific behavior. Women who don't dress in female-specific ways will be censured for it, but so will those who show too much of their femininity. The same outfit can end up being criticized for showing both too much and too little. I do feel sorry for the manager, who gets stuck between the rock and the hard place. It's wise to act defensively. But it's also unwise to simply give in to a set of shifting, contradictory demands. It sucks that the manager gets put in a position where the right thing to say was "You talk however you want and I'll fight for you regardless of what you choose". That shouldn't have to be her job, on top of all of the other ways a manager already fights for their employees. It's yet another case where we heap extra burdens on some people and then act surprised when they don't make it to the very top ranks.

jfengel 5y ago

The "smile more" analogy is, I think, a good explanation of it. Women's behavior, including language, is tracked closely, and anything that stands out can be used as a justification for worse treatment. When the solution is "don't do that", rather than changing the culture to treat men and women the same, it's sexist. Uptalk doesn't actually sound like a question. It's similar, but nobody actually listening to the person is confused by it. Rather, it's singled out because it's a pattern associated with women. Women are constantly being monitored for gender-specific behavior. Women who don't dress in female-specific ways will be censured for it, but so will those who show too much of their femininity. The same outfit can end up being criticized for showing both too much and too little. I do feel sorry for the manager, who gets stuck between the rock and the hard place. It's wise to act defensively. But it's also unwise to simply give in to a set of shifting, contradictory demands. It sucks that the manager gets put in a position where the right thing to say was "You talk however you want and I'll fight for you regardless of what you choose". That shouldn't have to be her job, on top of all of the other ways a manager already fights for their employees. It's yet another case where we heap extra burdens on some people and then act surprised when they don't make it to the very top ranks.