Compliments are a little tricky, but I've also been trying to get better at giving them out. We've all run into people who use compliments to socially separate

Compliments are a little tricky, but I've also been trying to get better at giving them out. We've all run into people who use compliments to socially separate people ("thanks for not being overbearing like chris") or to try and push over work boundaries (telling a colleague "your pants make your butt look good" and then saying you were 'just trying to be nice'). I also think about the complicated patterns of noticing and reinforcing certain behaviors - I've been frustrated when I get compliments on things I didn't choose instead of the things I am trying to do. Not that the compliment is bad exactly - but it's a data point that suggests that my work may not be appreciated. So my "strategy for safe compliments" goes like this: - Don't compliment things you have no experience with (compliments mean more from peers and knowing the area helps avoid...) - Don't compliment things that aren't stylistic choices or a demonstration of mastery (both of these things are difficult to identify outside of our own areas of experience) - Focus your language on what you like about the style or efficacy of the other persons' work, not the person themselves ("I like that you did it like X" instead of "you're so competent" -or- "oh, I always struggle with that part - I'm impressed how quickly you did it"). This phrasing also can open conversations into mutually validating conversations about stylistic choices. - Do not use universal language ("You do that really well"), use I language ("I'm impressed by how much detail you put into your comments"). I-language grounds the compliment in your own experience and makes it more of a conversation between you and the other person and less of a 'global statement about the world' kind of thing. The heart of all of this is that we've all had the uncomfortable experience of having someone else admire something about us that we do not like. Those feelings are a fact of life, but we can avoid tripping over them in our personal and professional relationships while also speaking freely and enthusiastically about why we admire and appreciate those around us. Edit: added I-language note