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I started complimenting people more and it was a mixed bag. I'm a good looking man and when I compliment other men, whether it's their looks, accomplishments, o

I started complimenting people more and it was a mixed bag. I'm a good looking man and when I compliment other men, whether it's their looks, accomplishments, or other characteristics, I have a strong suspicion that at least some of them think I'm gay or weird in some way and start to play it off. Pretty much equivalent to the situation where a woman gets a compliment from a stranger she doesn't like or thinks has intentions she doesn't like. It shouldn't work that way, but life is empirical. Most don't know how to take compliments and I think the main reason is, as in many other aspects of social life, insecurity. I don't return compliments immediately, and I have to explain why a few times: quite reluctantly, because if one gives a compliment in order to receive one back, it wasn't someone else's appreciation, but an exchange, a transaction. The way I typically respond to compliments in real life is to look the person giving me the compliment in the eye and say "thank you" or "thank you, I appreciate you noticing" or something similar. As usual, reading the room is essential, and being confident and charming in life is always a plus. But the main point is that I don't feel the need to give anything back when I give a compliment, and I don't need others to return a gift when I send one to them. Be the change (or behavior) you want to see, someone said. And if they don't understand how it works, who wants needy people around anyway?

mdorazio 5y ago
I think a big component of this is that men just don’t often receive compliments on things like appearance, so we are immediately suspicious when we do. This is especially true with receiving compliments from other men. This situation sucks, though, so thank you for helping change it.
jfengel 5y ago
Women object most to compliments about things that aren't under their control. A compliment about their choices -- their hairstyle, their choice of shoes, etc -- is better than a compliment about their body. When a man compliments a woman's appearance, it instantly raises the alarm that he is going to demand sex. Maybe that's not his intention, but she can't know that. It has happened to her enough times that she has to prepare herself for it. Which is exhausting. It also helps to pay compliments in passing. Don't stick around waiting for her reply. It's not on her to thank you or even acknowledge you. If you will feel bad that she doesn't affirm you for having complimented her, then don't do it. A compliment that puts a burden on her, even a small one, is of no benefit. Men have different experiences (and of course everything varies from person to person). But some of these dynamics still help. Men don't want to feel the compliment as a burden, either. So if you want to be the type of person who pays compliments, a passing "Hey, snazzy tie!" may work better for you. And if somebody does say that to you, "Thanks!" is all you need. And no-response is also an option: if it wasn't, the compliment wasn't sincere.
- borroka 5y ago
  I agree with the comment. However, if you are attractive enough, try to compliment a man, saying something like, "I like that haircut", and see how they react. Let me expand a bit. If you are good looking enough and classy enough, women appreciate anything you say. They don't object to non-vulgar appreciations of their body either. Like, "look at those great legs" is much better than, "look at that a..". But we all know it. Unfortunately, one of the problems of the "how tos", guides on get better at "charisma", and comments one can read on HN, it is that they ignore the elephant in the room, which is the "quality" of the do-er. It is life, less theoretical and more practical that something one reads in books or listen to in podcast. But of course, reality rarely sells, but we all prefer to think there's this new insight or this new book that, just as the latest watermelon/pineapple diet to lose weight for the beach won't oust the chief role of calorie reduction in losing weight, will get us past simple truths, such as in-shape is better than not, beautiful is better than not beautiful, more educated is better than less educated, more charming is better than less charming, and money is better than no money. In anything one tries to do or achieve, including giving and receiving compliments. "Quality" is a concept/trait that I studied at length in my academic research in biology, and it is difficult to treat since "circularity" (the animal got a better response because it is of better quality or it is a better quality because it got a better response?) makes it difficult to define the intrinsic or extrinsic nature of the causal effect.

mdorazio 5y ago

I think a big component of this is that men just don’t often receive compliments on things like appearance, so we are immediately suspicious when we do. This is especially true with receiving compliments from other men. This situation sucks, though, so thank you for helping change it.

jfengel 5y ago

Women object most to compliments about things that aren't under their control. A compliment about their choices -- their hairstyle, their choice of shoes, etc -- is better than a compliment about their body. When a man compliments a woman's appearance, it instantly raises the alarm that he is going to demand sex. Maybe that's not his intention, but she can't know that. It has happened to her enough times that she has to prepare herself for it. Which is exhausting. It also helps to pay compliments in passing. Don't stick around waiting for her reply. It's not on her to thank you or even acknowledge you. If you will feel bad that she doesn't affirm you for having complimented her, then don't do it. A compliment that puts a burden on her, even a small one, is of no benefit. Men have different experiences (and of course everything varies from person to person). But some of these dynamics still help. Men don't want to feel the compliment as a burden, either. So if you want to be the type of person who pays compliments, a passing "Hey, snazzy tie!" may work better for you. And if somebody does say that to you, "Thanks!" is all you need. And no-response is also an option: if it wasn't, the compliment wasn't sincere.

borroka 5y ago
I agree with the comment. However, if you are attractive enough, try to compliment a man, saying something like, "I like that haircut", and see how they react. Let me expand a bit. If you are good looking enough and classy enough, women appreciate anything you say. They don't object to non-vulgar appreciations of their body either. Like, "look at those great legs" is much better than, "look at that a..". But we all know it. Unfortunately, one of the problems of the "how tos", guides on get better at "charisma", and comments one can read on HN, it is that they ignore the elephant in the room, which is the "quality" of the do-er. It is life, less theoretical and more practical that something one reads in books or listen to in podcast. But of course, reality rarely sells, but we all prefer to think there's this new insight or this new book that, just as the latest watermelon/pineapple diet to lose weight for the beach won't oust the chief role of calorie reduction in losing weight, will get us past simple truths, such as in-shape is better than not, beautiful is better than not beautiful, more educated is better than less educated, more charming is better than less charming, and money is better than no money. In anything one tries to do or achieve, including giving and receiving compliments. "Quality" is a concept/trait that I studied at length in my academic research in biology, and it is difficult to treat since "circularity" (the animal got a better response because it is of better quality or it is a better quality because it got a better response?) makes it difficult to define the intrinsic or extrinsic nature of the causal effect.