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Why we don't dole out many compliments, but should
- pcbro141 5y agoCompliments can be rare, especially for men. I still remember compliments I've gotten from strangers years ago and smile.
- ChuckNorris89 5y ago>Compliments can be rare, especially for men I don't know about that, my grandma keeps telling me what a handsome man I am :)
- tailspin2019 5y agoYeah... but you're Chuck Norris so she's obviously going to say that.
- deleted 5y ago[deleted]
- jareklupinski 5y agoi've kept a tshirt for 10 years because someone randomly complimented me on the street about it also a painful memory because at the time i was thinking about something else and might have flubbed my 'thanks!'
- sethammons 5y ago> No one, after all, wants to come across as clumsy, patronising (sic) or fawning." Or come across as creepy :). The article is well formed and I completely agree: a complement (generally) costs you nothing but can have outsized positive effect on a recipient. And even _knowing_ this, I've generally not complemented the pretty dress that a lady is wearing on the train or at the store because, well, because imagined scenarios where I'm briskly turned away for the audacity to talk to such a person. To combat that and to not sound like I'm trying to strike up conversation, when I give compliments to strangers I do it casually and as I'm leaving their vicinity (for guys or girls). "That's a fantastic shirt," or "beautiful necklace" happens on my way out. It also turns out I don't think I know how to take a complement. Like, I can say thank you, but feel pressure to give a complement and I prefer to give a genuine one but then worry it will come across as forced. This reciprocity is highlighted in the article. It is also a pattern used by folks preying on others. Overall, I feel I'm generally socially awkward and I've settled on the drive by complement with strangers. Folks I know, that's different.
- corpMaverick 5y agoSometimes I have given compliments to strangers. But it is a risky move as you can come out as creepy. I think the safest choice is to compliment older people. Also complimenting the pets or the bikes works alright.
- systemvoltage 5y agoUse common sense. Not creepy: "Nice watch!" Creepy: "Nice waist belt!" Very creepy: "Nice eyes!"
- deleted 5y ago[deleted]
- poooogles 5y agoI tend to go with only compliment things that you can change. Body parts, can't change them so they're off limits. Outfit you can change (and they will have actively chosen themselves) so go wild. Just you know, don't be weird.
- whatshisface 5y agoIf anyone is wondering what the rules are, I think it boils down to: - They are expecting people to notice it. - It's not a trait they were randomly born with, but rather is something they decided to do.
- cain 5y agoWhat's creepy about complimenting someone's belt, that is not creepy about complimenting their watch?
- whatshisface 5y agoYou have to look at this from the perspective of someone who's jumpy, maybe socially anxious, and concerned about unexpected things. Belts are less noticeable than watches, and less advertised as personality statements, so this possibly nervous stranger would be more prepared to hear something about their watch than their belt. The point here is that you don't know if they're a loud-and-in-charge extrovert or a shy high-anxiety introvert until you talk to them.
- moritonal 5y ago"After a bit more idle chat, the actor then mentioned that they were handing out flyers about a university careers event, and asked the participant whether they would like to take a handful to hand around themselves. The effects of the flattery were dramatic, with 79% of the participants offering to help with the event publicity, compared with only 46% of participants in a control group, who had not received the compliment." How did the test avoid the fairly obvious effect that a compliment can often be a form of flirting and so might have been less to do with reciprocity as much as the person simply wanted to hang out with the likely quite sociable actor?
- specialist 5y agoReceiving compliments has always made me squirm, even suspicious. Mr Bill Borkman was my church's 5th & 6th grade sunday school teacher. Everyone's grandpa. Wow, he could make you squirm. When I was 19, during our congregation's coffee time (after service), I asked Mr Borkman why he complimented everyone. He got real serious. Turned off the charm. First time I'd ever seen him not be jolly. He faced me directly. "u/specialist, my parents are gone, my wife is dead, ... So many things I wish I'd said to people I care about. So I'm telling you to give flowers to the living. Because when they're dead, it's too late." A few moments later, he shook off the serious talk and resumed being jolly. It's taken me DECADES to learn how to be positive, give compliments, and sometimes even receive compliments. Over time, being consistent, unselfconscious, having zero expectations, the people in your life will start to catch on too. The whole world is shit, everything is shit, people are shit. Choosing to be positive and present is a coping strategy. It's definitely against my nature. Compliments and other acts of kindness help. Just a little. Worth it.
- Y_Y 5y agoGreat story, thanks.
- tailspin2019 5y agoGreat story, thanks for sharing It reminds me of the famous Victor Frankyl quote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Our ability to take the high road, pause, and choose to be nice is uniquely human. Even if we’re not “feeling” it inside, or even if the other person hasn’t been that nice towards us. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to be kind towards others. We also, largely, suck at both. But the choice is definitely ours to make.
- raducu 5y agoThat is soooo easy to say and extremely hard to do. "Just choose to respond in a different way than you would respond and pull yourself up." I've recently started taking a stimulant for ADHD and while it kind of sucks for focusing and it's ruining my sleep, it's a MIRACLE for my impulsivity and frustration tolerance. I complained to my psychiatrist about the lack of focus, but only now can I see how my impulsivity has screwed so many parts of my life.
- jdavis703 5y agoGiving compliments is risky. At an HR anti-sexual harassment training we were told not to give compliments, even on something as trivial as a hair cut. We were advised that instead of saying “Your haircut looks nice” to say “Did you get a haircut this weekend.” It’s kind of sad that society has become so litigious that even compliments are dangerous. But anyways, since people think compliments are creepy, I’ve started only giving them to close people.
- dragonwriter 5y ago> It’s kind of sad that society has become so litigious that even compliments are dangerous. Can you cite a case demonstrating that compliments are dangerous? Or was the training perhaps a product of the bubble-of-safety cargo cult HR cycle where there is a real behavior that us established as dangerous, this accurate information enters conventional wisdom, then to create a zone of safety around the dangerous area people are trained that the not only the dangerous behavior but other behaviors that bear some similarity are to be avoided, this becomes conventional wisdom of dangerous behavior, then to create a zone of safety people are trained that additional behaviors similar to those from the previous cycle are to be avoided, etc.
- GoblinSlayer 5y agoDue to false allegations it's dangerous even when you do nothing, so logically it's more dangerous when you do anything.
- awb 5y ago> Can you cite a case demonstrating that compliments are dangerous? Take your pick of any sexual harassment lawsuit. Employee walks by. Boss: "Nice [body part]".
- dragonwriter 5y ago> Take your pick of any sexual harassment lawsuit. I’ve studied more than a few, both where liability was ultimately and where it wasn't. All of them—including the ones where no liability was found—involved mich more than that. So, again, can you cite a case demonstrating that compliments are dangerous?
- Ajay-p 5y agoMy supervisor at one of my first employers told me she should not be required to compliment anyone, because they will know if they are doing a good job if they still have a job. She never provided positive feedback and it was demoralizing to me.
- deleted 5y ago[deleted]
- jdavis703 5y agoTry asking them “what should I be doing better” and “what should I keep doing.” In my experience most bosses don’t provide this sort of information without prompting.
- don-code 5y agoMy experience has been almost the exact opposite - I feel that I _receive_ too many compliments, and as such they always come across as trite, even if genuine, which in turn is discomforting rather than empowering. Who's given the compliment is, of course, a key factor. If it's a critical coworker, I'll be empowered by that. If it's a yes-person coworker, it's likely trite. If it's a friend who I've just power-sanded a deck for, it's appreciated. If it's a family member complimenting me on a sandwich (it happened recently!), it's uncomfortable.
- zz865 5y agoRelated, the people that need the compliments are normal people, not the people you think of complimenting. The model doesn't need compliments on how good they look, the professor doesn't need compliments about how smart they are, the multi-millionaire doesn't need compliments on how nice their house is. The regular person who you notice put a little bit of extra effort does need that compliment.
- sharken 5y agoExcellent point which i agree is most likely overlooked. At least professionally it's easy to forget the progress others less experienced do, if you have walked that path long ago.
- soultrees 5y agoLet’s not forget that they are people too with their own insecurities so just because someone is beautiful, or has a big house, it does not mean that they are not deserving of compliments either.
- abruzzi 5y agoI find receiving compliments to be very uncomfortable, so I don't practice it. Instead of complementing, I thank people. So instead of saying something like "you did a great job at this" I say "thank you for doing this." For some reason that makes all the difference to me. Now, I'm sure most people don't have the weird compulsions I have, but its very hard to do for others what you wouldn't want done for you.
- caturopath 5y agoI work in an environment where professional compliments are super common. It feels so icky and toxic. You can tell that most of the time folks are bullshitting, which is far worse than not hearing it at all. Obviously, compliments are great and it would be good to figure out how to deliver more genuine ones, but I think you can swing too far in the other way pretty easily.
- ph0rque 5y agoAh, but those environments allow for a super-subtle diss disguised as a compliment. "Nice font selection on that presentation!"
- honie 5y ago> ... receiving sincere and well-expressed praise can feel as good as an unexpected windfall. Going on a bit of a tangent: I think giving "sincere and well-expressed" criticisms is just as, if not more, important. Some of the most profound lessons I have learnt in life come in the form of criticisms from people who don't know me well or at all. As far as I can tell they all have this in common: they are not afraid to be honest and they make sure that I know they are just looking out for me. > The effects of the flattery were dramatic, with 79% of the participants offering to help with the event publicity, compared with only 46% of participants in a control group, who had not received the compliment. In contrast, and somewhat related to the quote above, I feel that compliments are just short term "hacks" and, at least to me, don't really shape me in any meaningful way.
- aeturnum 5y agoCompliments are a little tricky, but I've also been trying to get better at giving them out. We've all run into people who use compliments to socially separate people ("thanks for not being overbearing like chris") or to try and push over work boundaries (telling a colleague "your pants make your butt look good" and then saying you were 'just trying to be nice'). I also think about the complicated patterns of noticing and reinforcing certain behaviors - I've been frustrated when I get compliments on things I didn't choose instead of the things I am trying to do. Not that the compliment is bad exactly - but it's a data point that suggests that my work may not be appreciated. So my "strategy for safe compliments" goes like this: - Don't compliment things you have no experience with (compliments mean more from peers and knowing the area helps avoid...) - Don't compliment things that aren't stylistic choices or a demonstration of mastery (both of these things are difficult to identify outside of our own areas of experience) - Focus your language on what you like about the style or efficacy of the other persons' work, not the person themselves ("I like that you did it like X" instead of "you're so competent" -or- "oh, I always struggle with that part - I'm impressed how quickly you did it"). This phrasing also can open conversations into mutually validating conversations about stylistic choices. - Do not use universal language ("You do that really well"), use I language ("I'm impressed by how much detail you put into your comments"). I-language grounds the compliment in your own experience and makes it more of a conversation between you and the other person and less of a 'global statement about the world' kind of thing. The heart of all of this is that we've all had the uncomfortable experience of having someone else admire something about us that we do not like. Those feelings are a fact of life, but we can avoid tripping over them in our personal and professional relationships while also speaking freely and enthusiastically about why we admire and appreciate those around us. Edit: added I-language note
- flenserboy 5y agoDon't compliment unless something particular, that they've done, actually stands out. Instead, do thank people, even for little things — far too often people are left without thanks, and showing that you notice even the small things they do will encourage them and help to reinforce positive behavior, all while not indicating, accidentally or otherwise, that you want something out of them or are interested in them. It's a far bigger win for them, and does not have a primary role as social lubrication, unlike compliments.