7 ms·

I just learned I only have months to live. This is what I want to say

166 points by pineconebutt 5y ago

readflaggedcomm 5y ago
To actually read the text: https://archive.is/EwSWT https://archive.is/EwSWT
- ColinWright 5y ago
  Or use lynx.
- joshxyz 5y ago
  Man, imagine writing a memoir, pouring your heart and life into it. Then it's behind a goddamn paywall, lol.
  - graeme 5y ago
    It wasn’t paywalled for me. I just had to click “read full article” to expand it
    - bavila 5y ago
      They must have just taken down the paywall within the past 30 minutes. It was still paywalled at that time when I checked.
      - bellyfullofbac 5y ago
        The first time I loaded it, a "Please subscribe" popup came. I could click cancel, but underneath the banner picture there was just links to other articles. After coming here looking for the archive.is link, reloading the article fixed it. I was ready to make the snarky comment "This is what I want to say: Pay $1 for 6 months subscription!"...
  - pineconebutt 5y ago
    As a newspaper man, I imagine he would prefer that people support the newspaper.
- arriu 5y ago
  Why the down votes? Not everyone on this site has an active subscription and clearly the a author wants his message read. I'm really curious, please respond.
  - tonyedgecombe 5y ago
    >clearly the a author wants his message read More likely the author wants to be paid for his work. If he wanted to offer it for free there are plenty of alternative platforms to publish on.
    - readflaggedcomm 5y ago
      I saw no requests for payment, i only saw a headline without a story. I have no patience to assume why a web site is broken.
      - tonyedgecombe 5y ago
        >I saw no requests for payment It was published in the Boston Globe, a commercial organisation. I think it's a reasonable conclusion that the author gets paid for their work. He has been at the paper at least since 1979 according to the article.
        readflaggedcomm 5y ago
        It's not reasonable to conclude that going out of my way to pay money will make a page suddenly populate with a story. If there's no offer for more content, I don't assume it's there.
BigHatLogan 5y ago
That was quite nice. The writer seems to be in relative peace about the whole situation, or at least as peaceful as one can be knowing that the end is near. Unrelated but related: How do we keep stories like this in the "middle" of our minds? I've noticed with myself--and many others--that we read articles and essays like this, contemplate them for a moment or two, think about how we should be more {appreciate, grateful, thankful} for what we have, but then--inevitably--somebody cuts you off in traffic, or the plumber is late, or your coworker does something annoying, and just like that, everything comes flooding in. Is this just human nature (or my own nature)? While reading this essay, I became much less frustrated about a delayed shipment I'm waiting for, and thought to myself, "ah what the hell! It's just a small package! Life is too short to get worked up about things like this." But I know that tomorrow morning I won't feel that way. Anyways, I'm rambling. It would be helpful to somehow keep these things somewhere in our minds for longer periods of time--not the forefront because we need to get on with things, but probably not the dark recesses either, where we'll inevitably forget them until we come across another one in a few months.
- haswell 5y ago
  I don’t think it comes naturally to most, at least not at first. Practicing mindfulness and instituting a habit of expressing/feeling gratitude are two intentional things that can help maintain perspective. But to your point, if you don’t practice this intentionally, I think it will always fade.
  - BigHatLogan 5y ago
    Well said, especially the part about being intentional. I try to maintain perspective now and then, but I find that it goes away pretty quickly at the first sign of something frustrating. I guess that means I have to practice it a little more.
- basisword 5y ago
  I recently downloaded an iOS app called WeCroak. It sends me 5 reminders per day that I’m going to die and if I choose to open one of those notifications it has an interesting quote on life/death. I’ve found myself several times on social media when the notification comes in and I immediately close it and get back to do something better. So far the I’m really enjoying the reminders and finding them useful for bringing me back to the moment.
djohnston 5y ago
"EDITING THE FINAL DETAILS of one’s life is like editing a story for the final time. It’s the last shot an editor has at making corrections, the last rewrite before the roll of the presses. It’s more painful than I anticipated to throw away files and paperwork that seemed critical to my survival just two weeks ago, and today, are all trash. Like the manual for the TV that broke down four years ago, and notebooks for stories that will never be written, and from former girlfriends, letters whose value will plummet the day I die. Filling wastebasket after wastebasket is a regrettable reminder that I have squandered much of my life on trivia." Hits pretty hard.
- punkspider 5y ago
  The last sentence is the one that hit me really hard.
jamestimmins 5y ago
Reminds of this piece by the founder of Cloudinary about the unexpected death of his 8-year old son. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/its-later-than-you-think-j-r-storment/ https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/its-later-than-you-think-j-r-...
- apple4ever 5y ago
  Oh my. Wonderfully written piece (and so is his wife's). As the father of a 5 year old, I cannot fathom going through they. They are very strong people.
  - jamestimmins 5y ago
    Agreed. It’s devastating to read but also beautiful and vulnerable in a way that makes its message hard to ignore.
- jamestimmins 5y ago
  *cloudability
anonu 5y ago
A beautifully written piece about a life well lived. Death is the world's change agent. It's never pretty but it must happen. At least reading this is a reminder to me to not stress too much, enjoy life and be good to your family and friends.
nyokodo 5y ago
One thing that strikes me reading his and other accounts of the reaction to imminent death is that substantial changes in attitudes, perspective, and belief are rare. He’s dying but he’s still wasting time commenting about politics, even Nixon for goodness sakes! I think the lesson there is that if the way you live your life, or the attitude/behavior you display is inconsistent with your beliefs, or even if you only suspect something is wrong, then don’t wait for some deathbed conversion that probably won’t happen. Instead focus on change now, even if you struggle at least you’ll die struggling!
- DougN7 5y ago
  Fantastic insight! Thank you for your comment.
steve_adams_86 5y ago
Memento mori
known 5y ago
“The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotations” --Benjamin Disraeli (b. 1804)
danielmain 5y ago
The first that comes in my mind is: he lived 70 years, born and raised in a rich country, he had a lovely family. He had a good life reason to be happy and he should start thinking about others with less luck like him, E.g. children dying to underfeeding, genetics diseases, war, etc.
- pineconebutt 5y ago
  He’s dying and writing about how he feels about it. It doesn’t bother me that he has his own death at the forefront of his mind.
  - mewpmewp2 5y ago
    Agreed, it's not like he would all of sudden have time or resources to solve the aforementioned issues so what would be the use. Either use your expertise and skills to make as much meaningful impact you can or just take the time off and enjoy what you have left. Both are fine to me.
beardyw 5y ago
My wife and I have reached an age (1 month apart) where death has become “when” rather than “if”. My mother, father, and three siblings have all died around an age I am rapidly approaching. My sister experienced a similar death to this, she was given only months to live. Others have died suddenly and without warning. My wife has already lost a brother. So between us we talk sometimes about which of us will die first. Of the two of us my wife thinks I would manage best if left alone, I definitely think the opposite. Would we stay in the house we have lived in for 30 years? Should we move now into a place more suitable for one person? But what remains largely unspoken is the sheer pain we can anticipate in being left behind. Part of me would want to go first to avoid that, part of me wants my wife to avoid it. There is no good outcome. So when I read this article I read between the lines. He says how much he will miss smiles and hugs from his wife. But I know he will be crying out in his heart for her grief, and the smiles and hugs she will be missing, not just now, but probably every day for years to come. And his children. And all who know and loved him. It’s a personal thing, but I don’t think we will take anything with us, not even memories. And history will certainly not remember me. And I have written no books. So what do most of us leave behind? Only our place in the hearts of those who have known us, and how we may have, possibly inadvertently, affected their lives. So TLDR – your footprint will be the shape of how you treated others.
- lcall 5y ago
  Fwiw, I have learned for myself that we can be with our beloved family members forever, if we and they want, and do what is needed for it. All the best. (slightly more in my other comment on this page; thoughtful comments appreciated with downvotes...)
BTCOG 5y ago
What I have really mentally struggled with during the pandemic is this existential questioning of "What will I think, looking back at my life if it turns out I have a shortened life and what I have to show for it is that I've just sat at a computer 10+ hours a day my entire adult life?" This questioning has made me fully doubt everything. I certainly am not living life to the fullest as I'd always dreamed that I would. There's always the promise of retirement, savings, and traveling blah blah after your 50s/60s, but you can't do anything fun at that age(arguably, where I'm coming from here) and there is no promise we'll even be alive next year. Feel like I'm tricked into working my life away on stuff I do not care about any longer and spent so long to get here. Now I'm trying to switch to things I actually enjoy doing and figure it out. But, what if?
airhead969 5y ago
Doctors who dash all hope rather than inform aren't doing least harm. Immuno-oncology treatments and such. They have to at least try something else specific to that cancer rather than just shrug. In such situations, it's better to find different doctors.
ohmyblock 5y ago
has anyone here read 'Not fade away: a short live well lived' ? I was deeply moved by that book
- itisit 5y ago
  By Laurence Shames and Peter Barton. One of the more entertaining end-of-life memoirs. "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalanithi is also recommended.
lcall 5y ago
I expect to live a long time yet, but have chronic illness that severly limits me, and life can be good, and it can be hard. I have also learned for myself that God is real, cares, life has a purpose and extends before & after this mortality, questions have answers, each person including you is of infinite worth, and you never truly have to be alone. And there is a way for us to be with our families forever, if we & they want. (I enjoyed the article, and many have posted nice comments. Thoughtful comments to this are appreciated, if downvoting.)

166 points by pineconebutt 5y ago

readflaggedcomm 5y ago

To actually read the text: https://archive.is/EwSWT https://archive.is/EwSWT

ColinWright 5y ago
Or use lynx.
joshxyz 5y ago
Man, imagine writing a memoir, pouring your heart and life into it. Then it's behind a goddamn paywall, lol.
- graeme 5y ago
  It wasn’t paywalled for me. I just had to click “read full article” to expand it
  - bavila 5y ago
    They must have just taken down the paywall within the past 30 minutes. It was still paywalled at that time when I checked.
    - bellyfullofbac 5y ago
      The first time I loaded it, a "Please subscribe" popup came. I could click cancel, but underneath the banner picture there was just links to other articles. After coming here looking for the archive.is link, reloading the article fixed it. I was ready to make the snarky comment "This is what I want to say: Pay $1 for 6 months subscription!"...
- pineconebutt 5y ago
  As a newspaper man, I imagine he would prefer that people support the newspaper.
arriu 5y ago
Why the down votes? Not everyone on this site has an active subscription and clearly the a author wants his message read. I'm really curious, please respond.
- tonyedgecombe 5y ago
  >clearly the a author wants his message read More likely the author wants to be paid for his work. If he wanted to offer it for free there are plenty of alternative platforms to publish on.
  - readflaggedcomm 5y ago
    I saw no requests for payment, i only saw a headline without a story. I have no patience to assume why a web site is broken.
    - tonyedgecombe 5y ago
      >I saw no requests for payment It was published in the Boston Globe, a commercial organisation. I think it's a reasonable conclusion that the author gets paid for their work. He has been at the paper at least since 1979 according to the article.
      - readflaggedcomm 5y ago
        It's not reasonable to conclude that going out of my way to pay money will make a page suddenly populate with a story. If there's no offer for more content, I don't assume it's there.

BigHatLogan 5y ago

That was quite nice. The writer seems to be in relative peace about the whole situation, or at least as peaceful as one can be knowing that the end is near. Unrelated but related: How do we keep stories like this in the "middle" of our minds? I've noticed with myself--and many others--that we read articles and essays like this, contemplate them for a moment or two, think about how we should be more {appreciate, grateful, thankful} for what we have, but then--inevitably--somebody cuts you off in traffic, or the plumber is late, or your coworker does something annoying, and just like that, everything comes flooding in. Is this just human nature (or my own nature)? While reading this essay, I became much less frustrated about a delayed shipment I'm waiting for, and thought to myself, "ah what the hell! It's just a small package! Life is too short to get worked up about things like this." But I know that tomorrow morning I won't feel that way. Anyways, I'm rambling. It would be helpful to somehow keep these things somewhere in our minds for longer periods of time--not the forefront because we need to get on with things, but probably not the dark recesses either, where we'll inevitably forget them until we come across another one in a few months.

haswell 5y ago
I don’t think it comes naturally to most, at least not at first. Practicing mindfulness and instituting a habit of expressing/feeling gratitude are two intentional things that can help maintain perspective. But to your point, if you don’t practice this intentionally, I think it will always fade.
- BigHatLogan 5y ago
  Well said, especially the part about being intentional. I try to maintain perspective now and then, but I find that it goes away pretty quickly at the first sign of something frustrating. I guess that means I have to practice it a little more.
basisword 5y ago
I recently downloaded an iOS app called WeCroak. It sends me 5 reminders per day that I’m going to die and if I choose to open one of those notifications it has an interesting quote on life/death. I’ve found myself several times on social media when the notification comes in and I immediately close it and get back to do something better. So far the I’m really enjoying the reminders and finding them useful for bringing me back to the moment.

djohnston 5y ago

"EDITING THE FINAL DETAILS of one’s life is like editing a story for the final time. It’s the last shot an editor has at making corrections, the last rewrite before the roll of the presses. It’s more painful than I anticipated to throw away files and paperwork that seemed critical to my survival just two weeks ago, and today, are all trash. Like the manual for the TV that broke down four years ago, and notebooks for stories that will never be written, and from former girlfriends, letters whose value will plummet the day I die. Filling wastebasket after wastebasket is a regrettable reminder that I have squandered much of my life on trivia." Hits pretty hard.

punkspider 5y ago
The last sentence is the one that hit me really hard.

jamestimmins 5y ago

Reminds of this piece by the founder of Cloudinary about the unexpected death of his 8-year old son. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/its-later-than-you-think-j-r-storment/ https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/its-later-than-you-think-j-r-...

apple4ever 5y ago
Oh my. Wonderfully written piece (and so is his wife's). As the father of a 5 year old, I cannot fathom going through they. They are very strong people.
- jamestimmins 5y ago
  Agreed. It’s devastating to read but also beautiful and vulnerable in a way that makes its message hard to ignore.
jamestimmins 5y ago
*cloudability

anonu 5y ago

A beautifully written piece about a life well lived. Death is the world's change agent. It's never pretty but it must happen. At least reading this is a reminder to me to not stress too much, enjoy life and be good to your family and friends.

nyokodo 5y ago

One thing that strikes me reading his and other accounts of the reaction to imminent death is that substantial changes in attitudes, perspective, and belief are rare. He’s dying but he’s still wasting time commenting about politics, even Nixon for goodness sakes! I think the lesson there is that if the way you live your life, or the attitude/behavior you display is inconsistent with your beliefs, or even if you only suspect something is wrong, then don’t wait for some deathbed conversion that probably won’t happen. Instead focus on change now, even if you struggle at least you’ll die struggling!

DougN7 5y ago
Fantastic insight! Thank you for your comment.

steve_adams_86 5y ago

Memento mori

known 5y ago

“The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotations” --Benjamin Disraeli (b. 1804)

danielmain 5y ago

The first that comes in my mind is: he lived 70 years, born and raised in a rich country, he had a lovely family. He had a good life reason to be happy and he should start thinking about others with less luck like him, E.g. children dying to underfeeding, genetics diseases, war, etc.

pineconebutt 5y ago
He’s dying and writing about how he feels about it. It doesn’t bother me that he has his own death at the forefront of his mind.
- mewpmewp2 5y ago
  Agreed, it's not like he would all of sudden have time or resources to solve the aforementioned issues so what would be the use. Either use your expertise and skills to make as much meaningful impact you can or just take the time off and enjoy what you have left. Both are fine to me.

beardyw 5y ago

My wife and I have reached an age (1 month apart) where death has become “when” rather than “if”. My mother, father, and three siblings have all died around an age I am rapidly approaching. My sister experienced a similar death to this, she was given only months to live. Others have died suddenly and without warning. My wife has already lost a brother. So between us we talk sometimes about which of us will die first. Of the two of us my wife thinks I would manage best if left alone, I definitely think the opposite. Would we stay in the house we have lived in for 30 years? Should we move now into a place more suitable for one person? But what remains largely unspoken is the sheer pain we can anticipate in being left behind. Part of me would want to go first to avoid that, part of me wants my wife to avoid it. There is no good outcome. So when I read this article I read between the lines. He says how much he will miss smiles and hugs from his wife. But I know he will be crying out in his heart for her grief, and the smiles and hugs she will be missing, not just now, but probably every day for years to come. And his children. And all who know and loved him. It’s a personal thing, but I don’t think we will take anything with us, not even memories. And history will certainly not remember me. And I have written no books. So what do most of us leave behind? Only our place in the hearts of those who have known us, and how we may have, possibly inadvertently, affected their lives. So TLDR – your footprint will be the shape of how you treated others.

lcall 5y ago
Fwiw, I have learned for myself that we can be with our beloved family members forever, if we and they want, and do what is needed for it. All the best. (slightly more in my other comment on this page; thoughtful comments appreciated with downvotes...)

BTCOG 5y ago

What I have really mentally struggled with during the pandemic is this existential questioning of "What will I think, looking back at my life if it turns out I have a shortened life and what I have to show for it is that I've just sat at a computer 10+ hours a day my entire adult life?" This questioning has made me fully doubt everything. I certainly am not living life to the fullest as I'd always dreamed that I would. There's always the promise of retirement, savings, and traveling blah blah after your 50s/60s, but you can't do anything fun at that age(arguably, where I'm coming from here) and there is no promise we'll even be alive next year. Feel like I'm tricked into working my life away on stuff I do not care about any longer and spent so long to get here. Now I'm trying to switch to things I actually enjoy doing and figure it out. But, what if?

airhead969 5y ago

Doctors who dash all hope rather than inform aren't doing least harm. Immuno-oncology treatments and such. They have to at least try something else specific to that cancer rather than just shrug. In such situations, it's better to find different doctors.

ohmyblock 5y ago

has anyone here read 'Not fade away: a short live well lived' ? I was deeply moved by that book

itisit 5y ago
By Laurence Shames and Peter Barton. One of the more entertaining end-of-life memoirs. "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalanithi is also recommended.

lcall 5y ago

I expect to live a long time yet, but have chronic illness that severly limits me, and life can be good, and it can be hard. I have also learned for myself that God is real, cares, life has a purpose and extends before & after this mortality, questions have answers, each person including you is of infinite worth, and you never truly have to be alone. And there is a way for us to be with our families forever, if we & they want. (I enjoyed the article, and many have posted nice comments. Thoughtful comments to this are appreciated, if downvoting.)