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Kids know. They always know and they understand. My family went through a bankruptcy when I was a kid. We lost the family business. My parents never told me ab

Kids know. They always know and they understand. My family went through a bankruptcy when I was a kid. We lost the family business. My parents never told me about it, but I knew. The discussions, the fear of coming home to nothing. It's all real. Tell your kids, explain to them. Use the difficult time to build a closer bond with them instead of leaving them in the dark.

BrissyCoder 5y ago
It amazes me what my 2 year old manages to absorb and understand. Feels like there's a big disparity in their ability to observe and absorb compared to being able to articulate.
- Applejinx 5y ago
  The real trick is, being able to observe and absorb is one thing, or indeed to articulate. To CONTEXTUALIZE is a whole other ball game. Observing has special risks when you're a small child and cannot work out yet that everything does not relate to you. There's a lot of bad stuff that can go on that's not the fault of the child, but a young enough child will still conclude 'I did that'.
  - xenadu02 5y ago
    To some degree at that young age they may still experience all actors with agency as being themselves (the whole universe is me). Even after that discovery they often don't separate empathic simulation of other's emotions from their own - if someone else is angry or sad they are angry or sad. A later trick that we often fail to master as adults is the cause-effect relationship with emotions. When we're hungry we are more likely to snap at others or be rude. When we're stressed about something we're more likely to start fights/arguments. After a tasty meal, a piece of good news, or even intimacy we are more likely to be agreeable. When questioned in the moment both kids and adults will strongly attribute these feelings to the actions of others or simply fabricate a reason on the spot, completely failing to identify the true source of the feeling. (Pedantic note: emotional states are much more complex than I can describe here so we can obviously come up with counter-examples from specific situations. This also doesn't account for personality disorders, eg narcissism).
  - BrissyCoder 5y ago
    > The real trick is, being able to observe and absorb is one thing, or indeed to articulate. I can't make heads nor tails of this sentence but the rest of your comment seems reasonable.
    - a1369209993 5y ago
      > I can't make heads nor tails of this sentence ?> The tricky part is that: being able to (observe, absorb or even articulate) is one thing, but to contextualize is a whole other ball game.
      - BrissyCoder 5y ago
        Thanks - I have trouble trying to re-organize expressions like that into something that makes sense. Just doesn't compute.
        a1369209993 5y ago
        To be fair, splitting it across two paragraphs doesn't help.
steve_adams_86 5y ago
I grew up in a fairly poor home and it was similar. My parents sometimes acknowledged that we were poor, but they otherwise seemed to pretend it wasn’t true. Asking for something that cost money was practically punishable - instead of saying no, we still can’t afford that, it was construed as rude and selfish. This kind of sensitivity and denial around financial difficulties is common but very unhealthy for both the kids and the parent. Kids won’t hate you for having money troubles. They won’t be annoyed that you can’t buy them {cool thing} if it’s clear why you can’t. If they are, it’s another learning opportunity. I’m doing okay now, but I share my financial mistakes with my kids when it’s relevant and try to keep conversations open about how these matters impact them now and later in their lives. My hope is that as they age they’ll see me as a resource for help, someone to guide them through things, to recognize that their finances aren’t something to be afraid of or keep secret. In my parent’s defence, they wanted to hide our financial situation because it scared them and they didn’t want it to scare and unnerve their kids. The trouble is though that like you said, the kids will know anyway. The lack of insight into what’s happening only makes them feel more insecure and normalizes hiding upsetting things from people you love. Good intentions only get you so far, I guess.
- dmos62 5y ago
  Couldn't agree more. I'll offer my own generalization. We generally feel what close ones are feeling, whether it's verbalised or not. If you are too ashamed to share something, or too scared, or whatever, what the other feels is exactly that feeling that you're trying to hide. Maybe you wanted to protect that close one from the feeling, but instead you're teaching him that that feeling cannot be accepted or transformed into something good. That feeling is something to avoid, to hide from, to numb yourself to. And, a final obvious point, it's not about the actual worldy situation, but about how we act in it. This applies to anything you can't accept.
cosmodisk 5y ago
Our school,as pretty much any other in the country,used to do annual photoshoots. You get a class together with the teacher, they take picture and then you pay for it. I'm missing 3rd grade photo. It was many years later when I asked my parents how come I don't have it. Turns out, I overheard some conversation on how challenging it was for them to meet the ends at the time and decided to tell at the school that I won't be buying any photos that year. My mum found it a bit odd that there was no photoshoot that year and when she questioned me about it, I did explain that we couldn't afford it( we could and I could have gotten the money for the photos). Now I have a 4 year old and I often get blown away by her reasoning.
Waterluvian 5y ago
I grew up upper class with self-made parents that came from considerably less. As a result they still had the thrifty gene and that really burned a lot of anxiety into me. What helped was them talking to me about it. But I still struggled well into my late teens that I was making my family go poor any time I got some toy or game or clothes or food that I didn’t enjoy fully. It’s why I am trying hard to find the right balance of communication with my kids. I don’t want them to waste or act spoiled and entitled, but I never want them to think we’re at risk for anything.

BrissyCoder 5y ago

It amazes me what my 2 year old manages to absorb and understand. Feels like there's a big disparity in their ability to observe and absorb compared to being able to articulate.

Applejinx 5y ago
The real trick is, being able to observe and absorb is one thing, or indeed to articulate. To CONTEXTUALIZE is a whole other ball game. Observing has special risks when you're a small child and cannot work out yet that everything does not relate to you. There's a lot of bad stuff that can go on that's not the fault of the child, but a young enough child will still conclude 'I did that'.
- xenadu02 5y ago
  To some degree at that young age they may still experience all actors with agency as being themselves (the whole universe is me). Even after that discovery they often don't separate empathic simulation of other's emotions from their own - if someone else is angry or sad they are angry or sad. A later trick that we often fail to master as adults is the cause-effect relationship with emotions. When we're hungry we are more likely to snap at others or be rude. When we're stressed about something we're more likely to start fights/arguments. After a tasty meal, a piece of good news, or even intimacy we are more likely to be agreeable. When questioned in the moment both kids and adults will strongly attribute these feelings to the actions of others or simply fabricate a reason on the spot, completely failing to identify the true source of the feeling. (Pedantic note: emotional states are much more complex than I can describe here so we can obviously come up with counter-examples from specific situations. This also doesn't account for personality disorders, eg narcissism).
- BrissyCoder 5y ago
  > The real trick is, being able to observe and absorb is one thing, or indeed to articulate. I can't make heads nor tails of this sentence but the rest of your comment seems reasonable.
  - a1369209993 5y ago
    > I can't make heads nor tails of this sentence ?> The tricky part is that: being able to (observe, absorb or even articulate) is one thing, but to contextualize is a whole other ball game.
    - BrissyCoder 5y ago
      Thanks - I have trouble trying to re-organize expressions like that into something that makes sense. Just doesn't compute.
      - a1369209993 5y ago
        To be fair, splitting it across two paragraphs doesn't help.

steve_adams_86 5y ago

I grew up in a fairly poor home and it was similar. My parents sometimes acknowledged that we were poor, but they otherwise seemed to pretend it wasn’t true. Asking for something that cost money was practically punishable - instead of saying no, we still can’t afford that, it was construed as rude and selfish. This kind of sensitivity and denial around financial difficulties is common but very unhealthy for both the kids and the parent. Kids won’t hate you for having money troubles. They won’t be annoyed that you can’t buy them {cool thing} if it’s clear why you can’t. If they are, it’s another learning opportunity. I’m doing okay now, but I share my financial mistakes with my kids when it’s relevant and try to keep conversations open about how these matters impact them now and later in their lives. My hope is that as they age they’ll see me as a resource for help, someone to guide them through things, to recognize that their finances aren’t something to be afraid of or keep secret. In my parent’s defence, they wanted to hide our financial situation because it scared them and they didn’t want it to scare and unnerve their kids. The trouble is though that like you said, the kids will know anyway. The lack of insight into what’s happening only makes them feel more insecure and normalizes hiding upsetting things from people you love. Good intentions only get you so far, I guess.

dmos62 5y ago
Couldn't agree more. I'll offer my own generalization. We generally feel what close ones are feeling, whether it's verbalised or not. If you are too ashamed to share something, or too scared, or whatever, what the other feels is exactly that feeling that you're trying to hide. Maybe you wanted to protect that close one from the feeling, but instead you're teaching him that that feeling cannot be accepted or transformed into something good. That feeling is something to avoid, to hide from, to numb yourself to. And, a final obvious point, it's not about the actual worldy situation, but about how we act in it. This applies to anything you can't accept.

cosmodisk 5y ago

Our school,as pretty much any other in the country,used to do annual photoshoots. You get a class together with the teacher, they take picture and then you pay for it. I'm missing 3rd grade photo. It was many years later when I asked my parents how come I don't have it. Turns out, I overheard some conversation on how challenging it was for them to meet the ends at the time and decided to tell at the school that I won't be buying any photos that year. My mum found it a bit odd that there was no photoshoot that year and when she questioned me about it, I did explain that we couldn't afford it( we could and I could have gotten the money for the photos). Now I have a 4 year old and I often get blown away by her reasoning.

Waterluvian 5y ago

I grew up upper class with self-made parents that came from considerably less. As a result they still had the thrifty gene and that really burned a lot of anxiety into me. What helped was them talking to me about it. But I still struggled well into my late teens that I was making my family go poor any time I got some toy or game or clothes or food that I didn’t enjoy fully. It’s why I am trying hard to find the right balance of communication with my kids. I don’t want them to waste or act spoiled and entitled, but I never want them to think we’re at risk for anything.