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One thing I wonder is if his popularity is part of what caused him so much pain. I know when people express positive things about me, all I can think of is why

One thing I wonder is if his popularity is part of what caused him so much pain. I know when people express positive things about me, all I can think of is why that’s wrong. I think I’ve manipulated people, albeit unintentionally, to believe I’m something I’m not. I believe they just haven’t figured me out yet. It makes me feel isolated and/or deceitful. It drives home this belief that even the people I love don’t really know me. If I were in his position, the constant praise and love would annihilate me. Especially being in a position where my name is my brand and I’m actually intentionally producing content a certain way for people. Even if he was very genuine, or if I was for example, I couldn’t escape the thought that it was all a ruse and I was doing something wrong in order to have all these fans. I don’t know. I don’t know a lot about him, but this is a significant component of the depression I experience and if I were in his position, it could very likely take me to very dark places.

alexose 5y ago
I understand this feeling. When you don't feel good about yourself, hearing praise from others (Especially people who don't know you well) can be crushing. As if they're being dishonest, in a way. I can't speak for Tony, but he fit the pattern of a highly intuitive person with sky-high expectations for himself. That's what made his journey so fascinating to me, anyway-- his constant pursuit of and personal and professional ideal that's always just out of reach. “If I get hit by an ice cream truck and they’re peeling the bumper out of my head while I’m dying, I’m not going to wish that I had eaten more or traveled more or taken more drugs. I’m just going to regret how much I disappointed people in my life.”
- steve_adams_86 5y ago
  Oof, wow. That quote. That's very relatable. Thank you for relating. I find it helpful to know I'm not alone, although it's saddening too to think others feel this way.

alexose 5y ago

I understand this feeling. When you don't feel good about yourself, hearing praise from others (Especially people who don't know you well) can be crushing. As if they're being dishonest, in a way. I can't speak for Tony, but he fit the pattern of a highly intuitive person with sky-high expectations for himself. That's what made his journey so fascinating to me, anyway-- his constant pursuit of and personal and professional ideal that's always just out of reach. “If I get hit by an ice cream truck and they’re peeling the bumper out of my head while I’m dying, I’m not going to wish that I had eaten more or traveled more or taken more drugs. I’m just going to regret how much I disappointed people in my life.”

steve_adams_86 5y ago
Oof, wow. That quote. That's very relatable. Thank you for relating. I find it helpful to know I'm not alone, although it's saddening too to think others feel this way.