Here’s how NVC is usually taught: use this special language and make sure to communicate needs and feelings and guess the other person’s. The thing is, without

Here’s how NVC is usually taught: use this special language and make sure to communicate needs and feelings and guess the other person’s. The thing is, without the internal alignment and commitment, it is just a set of complicated language structures and mostly annoys people. A tool I use and recommend in relationships is having a “session” with your partner. This means they get to vent and you listen - but when they vent about you they speak in third person. So your partner would be speaking to you saying “emptysongglass is a f-ing selfish jerk! Promised to empty the dishwasher and didn’t, for the third time! And when I reminded her about it, asked me who appointed me dishwasher police! I can’t trust a person who doesn’t take responsibility!!” The point is to have a space to vent out the emotion and be heard and seen, in connection. And, speaking about a third person lightens things and prevents defenses from going up for the listener. Also, timing the sessions helps. 10 min is usually enough. NVC is mostly about internal alignment and commitment to connection and empathy (empathy=the recipient of empathy feels felt) Honestly giving up control over the other person (making requests vs demands) and honestly listening for your own and the other’s state of being (what’s alive in them) and slowing down to drop into the body is where it’s at. It’s not an intellectual exercise. You said it beautifully - plain speaking from the heart, while feeling the heart.