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My wife and I tried NVC for our first two years before binning it. I argue it's counterproductive outside a therapeutic context. When both parties are heated it

My wife and I tried NVC for our first two years before binning it. I argue it's counterproductive outside a therapeutic context. When both parties are heated it's often that they just need a release valve. Placing a bunch of logical frameworks over real emotion can often stymie the other party who needs to release. After four years now the real magic trick has been to just work on our problems individually and on the rare occasions we bicker either really, honestly, directly blow off steam (this is as about anti-NVC as you can get) like hey you piss me off right now and it's this thing you're doing and it sucks or leave the situation bodily and come back later. The key thing for us has been to silo these arguments off from the rest of the relationship. The high drama that occurs inside the confines of an argument doesn't need to mean anything to the broader relationship. Of course if you have systemic issues then those need to be dealt with but no amount of modulating your tone or speaking in I statements or trying to reflect the other person is going to solve those. We're so intent on logicking our way out of anything. But we're not Spocks. We're human beings with big big feelings. Funny story, if you look at my comments history about two down, my father the massive criminal who raised me is the one who first introduced NVC to me. He fancied himself an armchair psychologist. He remains one of the most toxic individuals I have ever encountered to this day, certainly to my own life. I think we're going to see a renaissance in plain speaking from the heart. That's my prediction for the next decade.

maroonblazer 5y ago
>The key thing for us has been to silo these arguments off from the rest of the relationship. I think this is an ability that not everyone possesses. For me and my (now ex-) wife our relationship comprised every waking moment of our existence. It was impossible to silo the fact that I said horrible things to her, and her to me. Sure these things made us each feel better at the time, but at what cost? The relationship, apparently. Since then we've (while co-parenting a child) come to appreciate the value of separating our emotions from the issue(s) at hand. With it we've been able to successfully navigate extremely thorny issues that might otherwise compromise the well-being of our son were he to pick up on the fact that we've been sidelined by our own shit as opposed to looking out for his best interests and conducting ourselves accordingly.
andrei_says_ 5y ago
Here’s how NVC is usually taught: use this special language and make sure to communicate needs and feelings and guess the other person’s. The thing is, without the internal alignment and commitment, it is just a set of complicated language structures and mostly annoys people. A tool I use and recommend in relationships is having a “session” with your partner. This means they get to vent and you listen - but when they vent about you they speak in third person. So your partner would be speaking to you saying “emptysongglass is a f-ing selfish jerk! Promised to empty the dishwasher and didn’t, for the third time! And when I reminded her about it, asked me who appointed me dishwasher police! I can’t trust a person who doesn’t take responsibility!!” The point is to have a space to vent out the emotion and be heard and seen, in connection. And, speaking about a third person lightens things and prevents defenses from going up for the listener. Also, timing the sessions helps. 10 min is usually enough. NVC is mostly about internal alignment and commitment to connection and empathy (empathy=the recipient of empathy feels felt) Honestly giving up control over the other person (making requests vs demands) and honestly listening for your own and the other’s state of being (what’s alive in them) and slowing down to drop into the body is where it’s at. It’s not an intellectual exercise. You said it beautifully - plain speaking from the heart, while feeling the heart.

maroonblazer 5y ago

>The key thing for us has been to silo these arguments off from the rest of the relationship. I think this is an ability that not everyone possesses. For me and my (now ex-) wife our relationship comprised every waking moment of our existence. It was impossible to silo the fact that I said horrible things to her, and her to me. Sure these things made us each feel better at the time, but at what cost? The relationship, apparently. Since then we've (while co-parenting a child) come to appreciate the value of separating our emotions from the issue(s) at hand. With it we've been able to successfully navigate extremely thorny issues that might otherwise compromise the well-being of our son were he to pick up on the fact that we've been sidelined by our own shit as opposed to looking out for his best interests and conducting ourselves accordingly.

andrei_says_ 5y ago

Here’s how NVC is usually taught: use this special language and make sure to communicate needs and feelings and guess the other person’s. The thing is, without the internal alignment and commitment, it is just a set of complicated language structures and mostly annoys people. A tool I use and recommend in relationships is having a “session” with your partner. This means they get to vent and you listen - but when they vent about you they speak in third person. So your partner would be speaking to you saying “emptysongglass is a f-ing selfish jerk! Promised to empty the dishwasher and didn’t, for the third time! And when I reminded her about it, asked me who appointed me dishwasher police! I can’t trust a person who doesn’t take responsibility!!” The point is to have a space to vent out the emotion and be heard and seen, in connection. And, speaking about a third person lightens things and prevents defenses from going up for the listener. Also, timing the sessions helps. 10 min is usually enough. NVC is mostly about internal alignment and commitment to connection and empathy (empathy=the recipient of empathy feels felt) Honestly giving up control over the other person (making requests vs demands) and honestly listening for your own and the other’s state of being (what’s alive in them) and slowing down to drop into the body is where it’s at. It’s not an intellectual exercise. You said it beautifully - plain speaking from the heart, while feeling the heart.