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I grew up as a very lonely child so I struggle a lot with talking to strangers, usually the idea way more than the practice. Knowing that I’ll have to call a st

I grew up as a very lonely child so I struggle a lot with talking to strangers, usually the idea way more than the practice. Knowing that I’ll have to call a stranger on the phone or go to a social event full of unknown people stresses me out to the point of often thinking of many ways of how I’d like to get out of them. In social situations I struggle to let go and have to put enormous amounts of energy to act ‘normal’, yet most people don’t even pick up on it. I guess I’m good at pretending. Despite that I don’t hate people and I quite enjoy listening to them when a topic that even mildly interests me comes up, I’ve done a lot of work to broaden my horizons so thankfully that list of topics is quite long. I often wonder if other people are even remotely like me or if all this comes easily and naturally to them at all times. It does have the advantage that there’s no real difficulty increase between a very difficult social event or conversation or just am average one. Or I can drink quite a lot and still seem normal. I grew up thinking that I’m defective and need to keep to myself and I had to self reflect a lot to overcome that. Despite this, I quite understand and appreciate the need for socializing, crazy amounts more than I did as a child. I wish I could teach young me that because social situations resolve conflict and create opportunities and those create a healthier all around environment and often a better future for all those involved.

herghost 5y ago
I used to really overthink making a phone call. To the point that I'd avoid it if there was any way I could. Professionally though, I couldn't avoid making them, and so I moved into a very strange cycle of rehearsing everything I'd say. Not the points I wanted to make, literally running through permutations of actual conversation that might happen. This would consume huge amounts of time and effort. Two things came of that: firstly, the conversations almost never went as I'd planned. All my effort was for nought. Secondly, it dawned on me one day that when someone called me, even when it was an unknown number, I'd take the call within a few rings and it would generally go perfectly well. I obviously didn't get several hours of sweating over permutations before I picked it up, I just picked it up. I slowly pushed myself over to the point that I would plan the outcomes I wanted from a call but leave the detail alone. Each call became a sort of game where I raised my points and tried to get my outcomes. I got quite good at that to the point that I didn't need to pre-plan my outcomes - I obviously already knew them (since I was writing them down) and so I went on to rely on just having a normal conversation. The final lesson I picked up on this journey, primarily from talking to other (usually more senior) people was that if the person I was talking to opened up in a friendly way and put me at ease the conversation was easier. And so I started trying that. Instead of my assuming that I was unimportant, or a distraction from someone's day and trying to be really terse out of what I considered respect for their time, I just eased back. Asked how their day was going. Asked about something I knew that was going on with them. Asked about something we shared organisationally, etc. When I took the time to be more human with them, and less mechanical and efficient, the calls always went well. Even when it wasn't something we shared an outcome over. And so I got to the point where (during the pandemic) I talk to people all day on Zoom calls and don't give a second thought to it. I suppose my point is that from a similar starting point I was able to break the negative thinking cycles that were causing my anxiety around calls, so hopefully others can too.
dd444fgdfg 5y ago
you sounds like me. I think you're very normal if that helps.
r6203 5y ago
This sounds like the „textbook definition“ of social anxiety which is understandable growing up lonely—and not learning social skills which many people take for granted later in life. Maybe you want to take a look at improving this aspect of your life so everyday tasks like calling a stranger etc. doesn’t cost you that much energy. For me classic exposure therapy helped in that regard and reflecting on the specific situations that I was thrown into afterwards (calling someone, asking for something in the store etc.)
JohnFen 5y ago
I'm fundamentally introverted, but one day I realized something that made it much easier to talk with strangers: they're strangers! So what they think about me is (usually) of no actual importance. If I make a fool of myself, no harm done!
- peterburkimsher 5y ago
  This. I hear some people talk about how they find a trusted friend to share their personal thoughts with, and who can hold them accountable. I take the opposite approach: I trust strangers more! Especially those who are about to leave the country (e.g. CouchSurfing meetup back in the day, hopefully BeWelcome when COVID ends). Even if they gossip those secrets, who cares if they're half the world away?
  - BeFlatXIII 5y ago
    I’m the same way. I’m far more open with people I just met than with my family because the strangers won’t give me follow-up conversations the next week. To the people I do interact with daily, don’t punish me for doing the right thing by springing follow up conversations on me.
technothrasher 5y ago
> I often wonder if other people are even remotely like me or if all this comes easily and naturally to them at all times. I can't speak for others, but yes, I am more than remotely like you. I hate the phone, and for much of my life I had an incredibly hard time talking to strangers. As I've grown older (I am quickly approaching fifty) talking to strangers has become easier. I think it's because I care less about what they think of me. Parties can still be hard, but it has become more that I'm uninterested in bothering to carry on a conversation with many folk rather than what used to be more afraid to do so. But when visiting a local museum the other day, I decided I wanted to talk to the curator because I was fascinated by the museum and had so many questions. So I just walked over and introduced myself. We've now had a very productive email conversation going for the past few days. Even ten years ago, I would never even have thought of doing that.
- theshrike79 5y ago
  > it's because I care less about what they think of me This is the key point. I figured the same thing out some years ago and talking on the phone has gotten a lot easier. You are not the main character, nobody cares who you are or what you do. 99.99% of people you meet every day won't remember you at all. Just talk, be cordial and go about your day afterwards.
vosper 5y ago
> In social situations I struggle to let go and have to put enormous amounts of energy to act ‘normal’, yet most people don’t even pick up on it. Have you tried having a couple of drinks? There’s a reason they call alcohol a “social lubricant”
- ZephyrBlu 5y ago
  Only a couple of drinks is unlikely to reduce "enormous amounts of energy" that much.
- the_only_law 5y ago
  It’s a curse and a blessing. The inhibition makes it’s much easier to comfortably converse with a stranger, although the quality of discussion is likely to be trash (I can barely enunciate technical things verbally sober, and mostly sound like an idiot trying to after a few beers). The inhibition is also likely to make me discuss things that will give others a negative opinion of me (over sharing, etc.). Perhaps less of an issue when everyone in the conversation is drinking, less so otherwise.
  - HeckFeck 5y ago
    > The inhibition is also likely to make me discuss things that will give others a negative opinion of me (over sharing, etc.). The 'liquid courage' brings out the inner chum for too many of us. Which, I think, is simply a sign that there aren't enough people around with whom we can have the necessary deep personal conversations. There's something of a chicken-and-egg effect that can happen here, where you need those conversations to advance and find better people, but have no decent people around because you've not had those conversations. Maybe this is why most people would rather drown the conscience in noise, like TV, music, endless diversions. It's easier than facing the hard questions, doing the hard work of seeking others. But surely, needs exist because they can and must be met. If one opts to delay necessary attention, one will pay one in the long term. Life itself has a way of collecting its debts.
- beezischillin 5y ago
  Molly was the closest thing that made me feel how it would've been if I grew up different :)
stevewodil 5y ago
>Knowing that I’ll have to call a stranger on the phone It won't necessarily help the buildup of anxiety about the call itself, but I've found that I'm much more relaxed when using wireless earbuds on a phone call than when holding the phone to my ear. I'm not sure why, may be something to do with being able to freely move my hands.

herghost 5y ago

I used to really overthink making a phone call. To the point that I'd avoid it if there was any way I could. Professionally though, I couldn't avoid making them, and so I moved into a very strange cycle of rehearsing everything I'd say. Not the points I wanted to make, literally running through permutations of actual conversation that might happen. This would consume huge amounts of time and effort. Two things came of that: firstly, the conversations almost never went as I'd planned. All my effort was for nought. Secondly, it dawned on me one day that when someone called me, even when it was an unknown number, I'd take the call within a few rings and it would generally go perfectly well. I obviously didn't get several hours of sweating over permutations before I picked it up, I just picked it up. I slowly pushed myself over to the point that I would plan the outcomes I wanted from a call but leave the detail alone. Each call became a sort of game where I raised my points and tried to get my outcomes. I got quite good at that to the point that I didn't need to pre-plan my outcomes - I obviously already knew them (since I was writing them down) and so I went on to rely on just having a normal conversation. The final lesson I picked up on this journey, primarily from talking to other (usually more senior) people was that if the person I was talking to opened up in a friendly way and put me at ease the conversation was easier. And so I started trying that. Instead of my assuming that I was unimportant, or a distraction from someone's day and trying to be really terse out of what I considered respect for their time, I just eased back. Asked how their day was going. Asked about something I knew that was going on with them. Asked about something we shared organisationally, etc. When I took the time to be more human with them, and less mechanical and efficient, the calls always went well. Even when it wasn't something we shared an outcome over. And so I got to the point where (during the pandemic) I talk to people all day on Zoom calls and don't give a second thought to it. I suppose my point is that from a similar starting point I was able to break the negative thinking cycles that were causing my anxiety around calls, so hopefully others can too.

dd444fgdfg 5y ago

you sounds like me. I think you're very normal if that helps.

r6203 5y ago

This sounds like the „textbook definition“ of social anxiety which is understandable growing up lonely—and not learning social skills which many people take for granted later in life. Maybe you want to take a look at improving this aspect of your life so everyday tasks like calling a stranger etc. doesn’t cost you that much energy. For me classic exposure therapy helped in that regard and reflecting on the specific situations that I was thrown into afterwards (calling someone, asking for something in the store etc.)

JohnFen 5y ago

I'm fundamentally introverted, but one day I realized something that made it much easier to talk with strangers: they're strangers! So what they think about me is (usually) of no actual importance. If I make a fool of myself, no harm done!

peterburkimsher 5y ago
This. I hear some people talk about how they find a trusted friend to share their personal thoughts with, and who can hold them accountable. I take the opposite approach: I trust strangers more! Especially those who are about to leave the country (e.g. CouchSurfing meetup back in the day, hopefully BeWelcome when COVID ends). Even if they gossip those secrets, who cares if they're half the world away?
- BeFlatXIII 5y ago
  I’m the same way. I’m far more open with people I just met than with my family because the strangers won’t give me follow-up conversations the next week. To the people I do interact with daily, don’t punish me for doing the right thing by springing follow up conversations on me.

technothrasher 5y ago

> I often wonder if other people are even remotely like me or if all this comes easily and naturally to them at all times. I can't speak for others, but yes, I am more than remotely like you. I hate the phone, and for much of my life I had an incredibly hard time talking to strangers. As I've grown older (I am quickly approaching fifty) talking to strangers has become easier. I think it's because I care less about what they think of me. Parties can still be hard, but it has become more that I'm uninterested in bothering to carry on a conversation with many folk rather than what used to be more afraid to do so. But when visiting a local museum the other day, I decided I wanted to talk to the curator because I was fascinated by the museum and had so many questions. So I just walked over and introduced myself. We've now had a very productive email conversation going for the past few days. Even ten years ago, I would never even have thought of doing that.

theshrike79 5y ago
> it's because I care less about what they think of me This is the key point. I figured the same thing out some years ago and talking on the phone has gotten a lot easier. You are not the main character, nobody cares who you are or what you do. 99.99% of people you meet every day won't remember you at all. Just talk, be cordial and go about your day afterwards.

vosper 5y ago

> In social situations I struggle to let go and have to put enormous amounts of energy to act ‘normal’, yet most people don’t even pick up on it. Have you tried having a couple of drinks? There’s a reason they call alcohol a “social lubricant”

ZephyrBlu 5y ago
Only a couple of drinks is unlikely to reduce "enormous amounts of energy" that much.
the_only_law 5y ago
It’s a curse and a blessing. The inhibition makes it’s much easier to comfortably converse with a stranger, although the quality of discussion is likely to be trash (I can barely enunciate technical things verbally sober, and mostly sound like an idiot trying to after a few beers). The inhibition is also likely to make me discuss things that will give others a negative opinion of me (over sharing, etc.). Perhaps less of an issue when everyone in the conversation is drinking, less so otherwise.
- HeckFeck 5y ago
  > The inhibition is also likely to make me discuss things that will give others a negative opinion of me (over sharing, etc.). The 'liquid courage' brings out the inner chum for too many of us. Which, I think, is simply a sign that there aren't enough people around with whom we can have the necessary deep personal conversations. There's something of a chicken-and-egg effect that can happen here, where you need those conversations to advance and find better people, but have no decent people around because you've not had those conversations. Maybe this is why most people would rather drown the conscience in noise, like TV, music, endless diversions. It's easier than facing the hard questions, doing the hard work of seeking others. But surely, needs exist because they can and must be met. If one opts to delay necessary attention, one will pay one in the long term. Life itself has a way of collecting its debts.
beezischillin 5y ago
Molly was the closest thing that made me feel how it would've been if I grew up different :)

stevewodil 5y ago

>Knowing that I’ll have to call a stranger on the phone It won't necessarily help the buildup of anxiety about the call itself, but I've found that I'm much more relaxed when using wireless earbuds on a phone call than when holding the phone to my ear. I'm not sure why, may be something to do with being able to freely move my hands.