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I agree. The author blamed his former partner's unhappiness—in her own words, a feeling like they weren't "going anywhere," like there was no "forward progress,

I agree. The author blamed his former partner's unhappiness—in her own words, a feeling like they weren't "going anywhere," like there was no "forward progress," like there was no longer a "sense of momentum"—the author chalks all this up to a "pressure to keep up with the mythical Joneses" and to the idea that she is simply "wired to be like everyone else." It takes him a year and a half to realize that maybe goals and purpose matter: "without my former partner, I became depressed and anxious and again struggled with one of the great questions that terrorizes us all: Purpose."

GavinMcG 5y ago
As a side note: I think the author probably is still getting it wrong on a certain level. He concludes that "[t]he most important cog in the machinery of my personal happiness turned out to be a simple one: Having a wonderful partner." This exemplifies an unhealthy relationship with boundaries and a disposition toward codependency. To be fair, he also acknowledges that "money doesn’t make you happy. People do. Connections and relationships do. Purpose helps, too." Those are all true. But going so far as to make someone else "the most important cog" is problematic, as the author had a chance to learn. Making someone else responsible for your personal happiness puts an enormous amount of pressure on them, and infidelity is a predictable (though morally wrong) reaction to a relationship of dependency. The author still doesn't "get it" looking back: his "one regret" is that he "didn’t take [his] partner’s initial unhappiness more seriously." But he describes how seriously he did take it: "I encouraged her to explore her own life and find activities and goals that would help her feel better. I suggested therapy and offered to go with her. I was clear that if she wanted to go back to work I was eager to support her in this. I wanted her to do anything that might help." He concludes: "my suggestions and support weren’t enough — I never could figure out what she wanted or how I could help." But this is just more of the same problematic dynamic re: boundaries. It wasn't his job to fix his partner or to make her happy any more than it's fair to make the other person responsible for his own happiness. On the other hand, he's currently "not so much worried about a life without work as I am a life without meaning or purpose or love" and making those "exist in harmony, and without a ton of financial stress." And that's about all any of us can hope for. I hope he stays focused on finding meaning (outside having a particular person feel positively about him!) for the long haul.
- WA 5y ago
  Furthermore, he posted in a comment one year after the article of this thread: > I still haven’t found anything in life that really pulls at me other than basic day to day stuff. Honestly I’m pretty content with consistent, enjoyable routines with occasional novelty (travel, a trip to an old arcade, etc) thrown into the mix. I thought by now that I’d feel passionate about — something? That I’d have a pull in one direction or another. But it’s absent — the drive to really want to do something new that requires a lot of effort is just not there.

GavinMcG 5y ago

As a side note: I think the author probably is still getting it wrong on a certain level. He concludes that "[t]he most important cog in the machinery of my personal happiness turned out to be a simple one: Having a wonderful partner." This exemplifies an unhealthy relationship with boundaries and a disposition toward codependency. To be fair, he also acknowledges that "money doesn’t make you happy. People do. Connections and relationships do. Purpose helps, too." Those are all true. But going so far as to make someone else "the most important cog" is problematic, as the author had a chance to learn. Making someone else responsible for your personal happiness puts an enormous amount of pressure on them, and infidelity is a predictable (though morally wrong) reaction to a relationship of dependency. The author still doesn't "get it" looking back: his "one regret" is that he "didn’t take [his] partner’s initial unhappiness more seriously." But he describes how seriously he did take it: "I encouraged her to explore her own life and find activities and goals that would help her feel better. I suggested therapy and offered to go with her. I was clear that if she wanted to go back to work I was eager to support her in this. I wanted her to do anything that might help." He concludes: "my suggestions and support weren’t enough — I never could figure out what she wanted or how I could help." But this is just more of the same problematic dynamic re: boundaries. It wasn't his job to fix his partner or to make her happy any more than it's fair to make the other person responsible for his own happiness. On the other hand, he's currently "not so much worried about a life without work as I am a life without meaning or purpose or love" and making those "exist in harmony, and without a ton of financial stress." And that's about all any of us can hope for. I hope he stays focused on finding meaning (outside having a particular person feel positively about him!) for the long haul.

WA 5y ago
Furthermore, he posted in a comment one year after the article of this thread: > I still haven’t found anything in life that really pulls at me other than basic day to day stuff. Honestly I’m pretty content with consistent, enjoyable routines with occasional novelty (travel, a trip to an old arcade, etc) thrown into the mix. I thought by now that I’d feel passionate about — something? That I’d have a pull in one direction or another. But it’s absent — the drive to really want to do something new that requires a lot of effort is just not there.