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This feels brutal and mean to read. It seems that you're telling me my feelings, preferences, and way of being are invalid. Not only that but that I deserve w

This feels brutal and mean to read. It seems that you're telling me my feelings, preferences, and way of being are invalid. Not only that but that I deserve what I've experienced because I have not overlaid my sincere core with the model proposed to me. The world is often structured to heavily advantage highly social individuals. You're right that being less social or even asocial can bear a large accumulative cost. Still, many of us live in our ways because we've followed our feelings and sensations. Trying to mold to the ways of interaction and time allocation according to the norms of a population that feels alien is wasteful. Instead, I spend my life exploring into less socially determined ways of being that seem a more functional and thoughtful in my experience. They're customized to me and feel great. In fact, frequently some of my more social friends express a sense of relief and comfort when spending time with me. It feels more emotionally clean, whole, and loving to them. They love it but the population didn't teach them how to be this way and they also don't know how to navigate the divide to try living in this way more broadly. They appear to recognize it's unhealthy but also be tied to and habituated to the way of things so that psychologically bridging is too great an effort. Being an introvert is definitely no easy way out. Extroverts tell me there's something wrong with me in lots of little ways and have excluded me regularly from the little clubs that form which has reduced my career trajectory and the rewards I receive from society (though I have still become greatly rewarded). Most concretely, I suspect that I would have had much more capital funding available for my passion projects if I had been more sociable. I would also suggest that the world would be a better place to live if I had received more funding but that's highly speculative.

kristofferR 5y ago
You seem overly attached to the label of being an introvert. The whole post is slightly confusing to me in fact. If you've concluded that other things than increasing social skills are more worthwhile pursuits for you in your life, then that's great. You do you. However, you can't then also complain in the next breath about what your lack of social skills, that you won't spend an effort acquiring, exclude you from. "Still, many of us live in our ways because we've followed our feelings and sensations." is slightly problematic in my view. The hardest things to change are the one that conflicts with feelings. It doesn't feel good to start exercising it you are overweight for example. Socializing with low social skills and confidence doesn't feel good either. I'd argue that both are worthwhile efforts, even though we need to combat our feelings and fears in order to do it. Again, if you're totally happy right now that's awesome! Just don't let "I'm an introvert" be your "I'm big-boned" type of excuse for not changing anything if something could be improved by change.
- jasode 5y ago
  >You seem overly attached to the label of being an introvert. I didn't downvote your comments but as counterpoint, I think you and tboyd47 are too influenced by the idea that "introvert" is merely a label. Yes, I understand the good intentions for stressing the "label isn't destiny!" -- because we always want people to improve. That said, I'm an introvert because that's currently the best description of my stable traits. If you didn't know me, I would not look like an introvert to you because: - I'm not shy. - I don't have poor social skills. - I'm not uncomfortable around people and do enjoy parties. - I've given presentations to large audiences in Las Vegas ... however, I've always had an underlying preference for solitary activities over group gatherings. I've had this preference for as a long as I can remember even as a little boy. Even the later adult years of consulting work where I went out for drinks and dinner every night with buddies does not change that. I actually noticed the pattern of solitary pursuits in my life first -- and then I later found the word "introvert" that matched it. It's like being "right-handed" or "left-handed". I'm right-hand dominant and it's a stable trait that doesn't change even if I learn to type 'Q' and 'Z' a million times with my left hand on a QWERTY keyboard. The label "right-handed" didn't make me right-handed. And learning new skills with my left hand will improve my life but will still not change my internal right-handedness. Going to more social parties does not train me to be less introverted. Instead, it actually reveals to me how introverted I truly am. Yes, I can laugh and make small talk with everyone -- but it doesn't change the underlying feeling that I'd rather be somewhere else. If the word "introvert" is useless because some people think it's a changeable trait... then I don't know what alternative word to use to describe that unchanging stable preference that I've had all my life.
  - WarOnPrivacy 5y ago
    This is very familiar to me. I can work a room but when that's done I want to be gone.
  - hilbert42 5y ago
    Right, I agree with what you say. And in a number of ways, my introverted trait is for similar reasons to yours (I too have no difficulty lecturing to a large hall full of people, etc.), but what's actually relevant in this context is the reason I've mentioned in a somewhat earlier post, specifically: "<...> Of course, what's relevant to this story and these comments are the reasons behind the motivation for why some people are introverted and or why they act this way—as critically it determines whether a person considers said trait to be either distressing and unwanted or desirable and necessary—or perhaps even essential:"

kristofferR 5y ago

You seem overly attached to the label of being an introvert. The whole post is slightly confusing to me in fact. If you've concluded that other things than increasing social skills are more worthwhile pursuits for you in your life, then that's great. You do you. However, you can't then also complain in the next breath about what your lack of social skills, that you won't spend an effort acquiring, exclude you from. "Still, many of us live in our ways because we've followed our feelings and sensations." is slightly problematic in my view. The hardest things to change are the one that conflicts with feelings. It doesn't feel good to start exercising it you are overweight for example. Socializing with low social skills and confidence doesn't feel good either. I'd argue that both are worthwhile efforts, even though we need to combat our feelings and fears in order to do it. Again, if you're totally happy right now that's awesome! Just don't let "I'm an introvert" be your "I'm big-boned" type of excuse for not changing anything if something could be improved by change.

jasode 5y ago
>You seem overly attached to the label of being an introvert. I didn't downvote your comments but as counterpoint, I think you and tboyd47 are too influenced by the idea that "introvert" is merely a label. Yes, I understand the good intentions for stressing the "label isn't destiny!" -- because we always want people to improve. That said, I'm an introvert because that's currently the best description of my stable traits. If you didn't know me, I would not look like an introvert to you because: - I'm not shy. - I don't have poor social skills. - I'm not uncomfortable around people and do enjoy parties. - I've given presentations to large audiences in Las Vegas ... however, I've always had an underlying preference for solitary activities over group gatherings. I've had this preference for as a long as I can remember even as a little boy. Even the later adult years of consulting work where I went out for drinks and dinner every night with buddies does not change that. I actually noticed the pattern of solitary pursuits in my life first -- and then I later found the word "introvert" that matched it. It's like being "right-handed" or "left-handed". I'm right-hand dominant and it's a stable trait that doesn't change even if I learn to type 'Q' and 'Z' a million times with my left hand on a QWERTY keyboard. The label "right-handed" didn't make me right-handed. And learning new skills with my left hand will improve my life but will still not change my internal right-handedness. Going to more social parties does not train me to be less introverted. Instead, it actually reveals to me how introverted I truly am. Yes, I can laugh and make small talk with everyone -- but it doesn't change the underlying feeling that I'd rather be somewhere else. If the word "introvert" is useless because some people think it's a changeable trait... then I don't know what alternative word to use to describe that unchanging stable preference that I've had all my life.
- WarOnPrivacy 5y ago
  This is very familiar to me. I can work a room but when that's done I want to be gone.
- hilbert42 5y ago
  Right, I agree with what you say. And in a number of ways, my introverted trait is for similar reasons to yours (I too have no difficulty lecturing to a large hall full of people, etc.), but what's actually relevant in this context is the reason I've mentioned in a somewhat earlier post, specifically: "<...> Of course, what's relevant to this story and these comments are the reasons behind the motivation for why some people are introverted and or why they act this way—as critically it determines whether a person considers said trait to be either distressing and unwanted or desirable and necessary—or perhaps even essential:"