4 ms·

This is a cool idea. I constantly come across as a dick because a friend will message me, and I'll think about what to respond with, hesitate because I want to

This is a cool idea. I constantly come across as a dick because a friend will message me, and I'll think about what to respond with, hesitate because I want to come up with the BEST response, then get distracted by another task, forget to text them back until the next day, etc. There are also people I only see every few months and have a blast with, then completely radio silence them for months until I see them again. I really have no idea how to keep up with people.

neckardt 5y ago
> I constantly come across as a dick because a friend will message me, and I'll think about what to respond with, hesitate because I want to come up with the BEST response, then get distracted by another task, forget to text them back until the next day, etc. There are two paradigms I see people use to solve this: 1. Text back as soon as you see the message and be okay with your response not being optimal. This is what I do the most. 2. Don't open the app to read the message until you have time to respond, then commit to responding. This way you'll have the message notification reminding you to respond and you don't leave your friend on read.
- randomdata 5y ago
  > Don't open the app to read the message until you have time to respond, then commit to responding. Then you end up with unread messages for weeks at a time.
  - smt88 5y ago
    > Then you end up with unread messages for weeks at a time. If people are a priority for you, then you need to just make time. No one is unable to spare 5 minutes to text back. You just have to sacrifice 5 minutes of something else, whether it's work, a video game, or a hobby. If you can't spare that, then I guess accept that those people aren't that important to you.
    - jlokier 5y ago
      It takes many of us longer than 5 minutes to compose the BEST response (part of option 2), especially if you have a queue built up.
      - kumarjsingh6 5y ago
        It takes years to compose the best response
      - antasvara 5y ago
        5 minutes might be too short, but the idea of waiting until you have time to fully respond makes sense.
      - aix1 5y ago
        Perhaps composing the BEST response isn't the right tradeoff vs being available for your friends and not leaving them hanging? A person I'm close to does this (takes days/weeks to respond to anything). Important as they are to me, I've basically written them off as someone I can rely on.
      - smt88 5y ago
        The "best" response doesn't objectively exist, but if it did, it would be a function of both time and quality. For example, when you take 24 hours to respond, the message you're sending is that the person is a low priority, regardless of what text you've composed. People who feel that anxious about composing the best reply should seek therapy to help them tolerate the distress of doing things imperfectly.
      - Zababa 5y ago
        Some perspective: sometimes the best response is signalling to people that they're important to you and that getting back to them quickly is important to you.
    - randomdata 5y ago
      > I guess accept that those people aren't that important to you. The great irony is that when they aren't important, the response is quick and easy. Your poor choice of words can piss them off and you don't have to care.
- shannifin 5y ago
  It's usually 2 for me; I've always hated the implicit idea of phone calls and text messages being "drop what you're doing and talk to me now!" No, I'll respond when I want. (Unless it's an emergency or a business call during business hours.) This sometimes discourages people from calling or texting, which I am fine with. The ones who do still call or text are generally as asynchronous as me, or at least don't care much, so it works out. I have also gone days without even noticing that I got a text, but it has never led to much trouble.
czbond 5y ago
You needn't feel like a d*ck. Just realize that when people call you or text you it is on there time; however, replying does not need to be on their time - but on your own time. I have found if I forcefully and succinctly communicate that - it works. I deal with it this way: The people I care about I frankly say "Look, I only prefer to communicate at certain intervals during the day because I'm usually in flow or focused. Please text and call, but realize if I don't answer it was because I was in that state. Sometimes I come out shortly, sometimes it is a few days". Texts, calls, etc go unanswered until I'm ready on my time. You'll have to tailor to the person though... some extroverts forget everything they read and/or have low impulse control, some introverts forget everything they hear.

neckardt 5y ago

> I constantly come across as a dick because a friend will message me, and I'll think about what to respond with, hesitate because I want to come up with the BEST response, then get distracted by another task, forget to text them back until the next day, etc. There are two paradigms I see people use to solve this: 1. Text back as soon as you see the message and be okay with your response not being optimal. This is what I do the most. 2. Don't open the app to read the message until you have time to respond, then commit to responding. This way you'll have the message notification reminding you to respond and you don't leave your friend on read.

randomdata 5y ago
> Don't open the app to read the message until you have time to respond, then commit to responding. Then you end up with unread messages for weeks at a time.
- smt88 5y ago
  > Then you end up with unread messages for weeks at a time. If people are a priority for you, then you need to just make time. No one is unable to spare 5 minutes to text back. You just have to sacrifice 5 minutes of something else, whether it's work, a video game, or a hobby. If you can't spare that, then I guess accept that those people aren't that important to you.
  - jlokier 5y ago
    It takes many of us longer than 5 minutes to compose the BEST response (part of option 2), especially if you have a queue built up.
    - kumarjsingh6 5y ago
      It takes years to compose the best response
    - antasvara 5y ago
      5 minutes might be too short, but the idea of waiting until you have time to fully respond makes sense.
    - aix1 5y ago
      Perhaps composing the BEST response isn't the right tradeoff vs being available for your friends and not leaving them hanging? A person I'm close to does this (takes days/weeks to respond to anything). Important as they are to me, I've basically written them off as someone I can rely on.
    - smt88 5y ago
      The "best" response doesn't objectively exist, but if it did, it would be a function of both time and quality. For example, when you take 24 hours to respond, the message you're sending is that the person is a low priority, regardless of what text you've composed. People who feel that anxious about composing the best reply should seek therapy to help them tolerate the distress of doing things imperfectly.
    - Zababa 5y ago
      Some perspective: sometimes the best response is signalling to people that they're important to you and that getting back to them quickly is important to you.
  - randomdata 5y ago
    > I guess accept that those people aren't that important to you. The great irony is that when they aren't important, the response is quick and easy. Your poor choice of words can piss them off and you don't have to care.
shannifin 5y ago
It's usually 2 for me; I've always hated the implicit idea of phone calls and text messages being "drop what you're doing and talk to me now!" No, I'll respond when I want. (Unless it's an emergency or a business call during business hours.) This sometimes discourages people from calling or texting, which I am fine with. The ones who do still call or text are generally as asynchronous as me, or at least don't care much, so it works out. I have also gone days without even noticing that I got a text, but it has never led to much trouble.

czbond 5y ago

You needn't feel like a d*ck. Just realize that when people call you or text you it is on there time; however, replying does not need to be on their time - but on your own time. I have found if I forcefully and succinctly communicate that - it works. I deal with it this way: The people I care about I frankly say "Look, I only prefer to communicate at certain intervals during the day because I'm usually in flow or focused. Please text and call, but realize if I don't answer it was because I was in that state. Sometimes I come out shortly, sometimes it is a few days". Texts, calls, etc go unanswered until I'm ready on my time. You'll have to tailor to the person though... some extroverts forget everything they read and/or have low impulse control, some introverts forget everything they hear.