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>but I decided against it because I worried about harassment from sleuthing HN readers finding me on other platforms. Such are the compromises you make as a lad

>but I decided against it because I worried about harassment from sleuthing HN readers finding me on other platforms. Such are the compromises you make as a lady on the internet sometimes. You make it easy for the internet assholes to do this to you. If your HN username is your real name that is a really big problem for your privacy. Your occupation is stated in your profile. Likewise, stating your sex might as well be your privacy's death knell. Become more anonymous to provide less ammunition to those with nothing more to do than torment others, then continue doing the things you feel are the right things to do without excuse.

elliekelly 5y ago
I've been interneting-while-woman for three decades now so of course my username isn't my real name. But (like most developers) my GitHub includes my real name, my photo, and my company, hence my hesitation. I have to wonder, though... are you as quick to chastise the "internet assholes" you see harassing women online as you were to chastise me for having the audacity to admit my gender online?
- Nicksil 5y ago
  That wasn't chastising you. I don't know you so there was no way I could have known how long you've been on the internet nor your depth in experience in identity within it. I was attempting to point out some of the bigger factors feeding into your complaint, regarding the potential of people harassing you, with the intent of no more than to bring attention to something you may have overlooked, as humans tend to do sometimes. You're being combative for no reason so I'll leave it here but, in the future, don't always assume malice.
  - xpe 5y ago
    I see both sides here. On the whole, I think both people are trying to contribute and help in their own ways. Some more specific comments: > You're being combative for no reason so I'll leave it here but, in the future, don't always assume malice. Saying "no reason" doesn't ring true to me. What one person considers to be (valid) reasons is subjective. In my view, 'reasons' includes a person's identity and experiences. With that in mind, how do you think this alternative message would have been received... ? "It was not my intention to chastise you. I meant well in offering some ways to reduce the chances that trolls come after you. Please don't assume malice. I'm happy to listen if you have suggestions on how I could communicate the message more effectively."
  - elliekelly 5y ago
    I don’t think it’s in any way “combative” to point out that I am indeed competent and capable of interacting with the online world safely without the assistance patronizing of strangers on the internet. And, whether your intention or not, that’s exactly what your comment was: patronizing. With undertones of “well what did you think would happen when you present yourself in such a way”. Whether you’re willing to admit it or not, comments like yours aren’t helpful — they’re part of the problem.
    - Nicksil 5y ago
      Now that's just nuts.
      - xpe 5y ago
        I can understand that some people may disagree with and/or not understand what she said, it is both unkind and not helpful to say "Now that's just nuts." The comment does not move the conversation forward in terms of clarification or understanding. The comment does not demonstrate patience nor does it show curiosity of other perspectives.
    - BugWatch 5y ago
      I'd suggest looking up the "principle of charity". Additionally, claiming the self-perceived "undertones" as "the real truth" vs clearly (and reasonably) stated (subsequent) stance/explanation indeed is confrontative, at best. In my opinion and experience. When X claims they know better what was the intent or tone of Y's message when Y is already there precisely elaborating... X has to be realistic, admit no prior knowledge of Y (nor their idiosyncrasies, nor their style of communication), be aware of the limitations of the medium (no voice tone, no body language), and take things at face value as written (and/or ask for explanation/further details in neutral and a non-confrontational way). Y has to do the same. It really is the only way that maintains functionality of the conversation. (Also, forseeing a potential conflict: X and Y has nothing to do with bio-sex, it just signifies two unknowns.) At least, that's the self-defined framework I use, as a probably somewhat autistic/ADHD person (people confuse and frustrate me to no end).

elliekelly 5y ago

I've been interneting-while-woman for three decades now so of course my username isn't my real name. But (like most developers) my GitHub includes my real name, my photo, and my company, hence my hesitation. I have to wonder, though... are you as quick to chastise the "internet assholes" you see harassing women online as you were to chastise me for having the audacity to admit my gender online?

Nicksil 5y ago
That wasn't chastising you. I don't know you so there was no way I could have known how long you've been on the internet nor your depth in experience in identity within it. I was attempting to point out some of the bigger factors feeding into your complaint, regarding the potential of people harassing you, with the intent of no more than to bring attention to something you may have overlooked, as humans tend to do sometimes. You're being combative for no reason so I'll leave it here but, in the future, don't always assume malice.
- xpe 5y ago
  I see both sides here. On the whole, I think both people are trying to contribute and help in their own ways. Some more specific comments: > You're being combative for no reason so I'll leave it here but, in the future, don't always assume malice. Saying "no reason" doesn't ring true to me. What one person considers to be (valid) reasons is subjective. In my view, 'reasons' includes a person's identity and experiences. With that in mind, how do you think this alternative message would have been received... ? "It was not my intention to chastise you. I meant well in offering some ways to reduce the chances that trolls come after you. Please don't assume malice. I'm happy to listen if you have suggestions on how I could communicate the message more effectively."
- elliekelly 5y ago
  I don’t think it’s in any way “combative” to point out that I am indeed competent and capable of interacting with the online world safely without the assistance patronizing of strangers on the internet. And, whether your intention or not, that’s exactly what your comment was: patronizing. With undertones of “well what did you think would happen when you present yourself in such a way”. Whether you’re willing to admit it or not, comments like yours aren’t helpful — they’re part of the problem.
  - Nicksil 5y ago
    Now that's just nuts.
    - xpe 5y ago
      I can understand that some people may disagree with and/or not understand what she said, it is both unkind and not helpful to say "Now that's just nuts." The comment does not move the conversation forward in terms of clarification or understanding. The comment does not demonstrate patience nor does it show curiosity of other perspectives.
  - BugWatch 5y ago
    I'd suggest looking up the "principle of charity". Additionally, claiming the self-perceived "undertones" as "the real truth" vs clearly (and reasonably) stated (subsequent) stance/explanation indeed is confrontative, at best. In my opinion and experience. When X claims they know better what was the intent or tone of Y's message when Y is already there precisely elaborating... X has to be realistic, admit no prior knowledge of Y (nor their idiosyncrasies, nor their style of communication), be aware of the limitations of the medium (no voice tone, no body language), and take things at face value as written (and/or ask for explanation/further details in neutral and a non-confrontational way). Y has to do the same. It really is the only way that maintains functionality of the conversation. (Also, forseeing a potential conflict: X and Y has nothing to do with bio-sex, it just signifies two unknowns.) At least, that's the self-defined framework I use, as a probably somewhat autistic/ADHD person (people confuse and frustrate me to no end).