6 ms·

That's baffling, haven't people got friends?

phobosanomaly 5y ago
Apparently not. As psychologists worry that the coronavirus pandemic is triggering a loneliness epidemic, new Harvard research suggests feelings of social isolation are on the rise and that those hardest hit are older teens and young adults. In the recently released results of a study conducted last October by researchers at Making Caring Common, 36 percent of respondents to a national survey of approximately 950 Americans reported feeling lonely “frequently” or “almost all the time or all the time” in the prior four weeks, compared with 25 percent who recalled experiencing serious issues in the two months prior to the pandemic. Perhaps most striking is that 61 percent of those aged 18 to 25 reported high levels. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2021/02/young-adults-teens-loneliness-mental-health-coronavirus-covid-pandemic/ https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2021/02/young-adults-... I'm excited to go back to work in-person. Working with my colleagues gives me a great deal of joy throughout the day.
Robotbeat 5y ago
It’s hard to make friends as an adult. Especially: 1) If you don’t have kids (socializing with other parents). 2) Don’t go to church/synagogue/etc (church attendance in decline) 3) Do not live where you grew up. (People chase opportunities in other cities.) 4) Aren’t in school any more. Neighbor friends are also possible, but it can take many years for people to become comfortable enough to be friends, and due to #3, there’s often not enough time for that to happen before people move. Half my friends are from work and half are parents. They’re not super shallow friendships but also not soul-level deep, either. Deep friendships were left behind from college days.
- altcognito 5y ago
  I could see that. These folks should: Join a club, volunteer for a charity, play a sport, add a hobby, visit nature.
- dv_dt 5y ago
  With covid remote, I finally started exercising more regularly and attending meetings for local hiking groups and a maker group that I had been putting off for ages. And I think my productivity at work increased because of it. Changed jobs to negotiate a permanent remote situation and am not going back. I think it’s fine for some people to want to be on office, but think that a lot of work in the tech area should have the option of remote - and frankly would be better remote first with in-office allowances instead of vice versa.
- skciva 5y ago
  I've been seeing this sentiment shared recently and what I always suggest is to 1) Look at your hobbies 2) Find people who share those hobbies Plenty of opportunities exist whether through meetup, BumbleBFF, local postings in cafes/on lamp posts, etc. (this is true of cities, remote destinations may be more difficult but thats the tradeoff of living around less people I suppose) If you can't find groups for your hobbies, try starting them! Doesn't have to be a permanent leadership role, but if you get the ball rolling others will likely come and BOOM you've found potential friends. If you don't have hobbies, look into volunteer groups. Rewarding and often extremely kind people who will value what you bring to the table. Hope this helps!
  - katbyte 5y ago
    echoing this, i've met and made most of my current deep friendships via climbing and snowboarding. shared experience and time lead to friends
- Gene5ive 5y ago
  I find this perspective interesting. I'm 36, have no kids, don't go to church, don't live anywhere near where I grew up or my biological family, and haven't been in school for a very long time but have no shortage of friends or even deep friendships. I think culture is a huge reason. I live in close-in Portland, Oregon and I think the main thing we all have in common is that we all enjoy going to see live music and DJs together. Urban living and music can have a huge ability to replace everything on that list. In fact, my partner and I will be throwing a vaccinated-only music festival this summer and we have about 100 people invited, the vast majority personal friends and only a handful have kids. However, I think working in tech helps. Most of my old friends who never made the jump from the service industry into tech by going to code school or something like that had to move away because the city got too expensive. In short, music + tech + urban makes finding and keeping friends easy, at least in Portland.
- HarryHirsch 5y ago
  Contemporary architecture doesn't help. In 70's developments houses have front porches, but sometime in the 90's they turned houses around, and now everyone sits on their back deck or their games room in their cardboard palace. You don't encounter people any more when you are walking the dog.
sureglymop 5y ago
As someone in their 20s without social media, I have exactly 0 friends. I live in a central European country and everyone around me has a friend group that originated during their childhood; they have childhood friends. I do not, mainly because throughout my time in school I switched schools a whole lot for various reasons. Over the years I've also grown quite insecure about it and anxious. Now I also happen to not like alcohol or smoking which really reduces my chances of meeting someone my age to 0, because I don't go out to parties and such. Not that it was even possible during COVID-19. I'm happy that I at least have supportive parents, siblings and family. But I think there are a lot of young people in my situation and many of them only have parasocial relationships, for example with Twitch streamers and YouTubers. Homeoffice has been hard with all the distractions home has to offer and I really do miss eating lunch with coworkers. I'm going to start studying at university this fall so I'm optimistic that I might make some friends there.
- aksss 5y ago
  You need to join organizations - hobby groups, collector groups, professional groups, etc.
- spfzero 5y ago
  Maybe try reaching out to some coworkers and see if they'll meet you for lunch somewhere in between. I have one I meet every week, and one I meet once a month or so, and another who I meet up with but not for lunch, just a 10 minute chat or so. They probably are feeling a lot like you.
- carom 5y ago
  I don't smoke or drink. You can still go play billiards, work out at a gym, find a pull up bar in public, join a bicycle group ride, skateboard, join a yoga class, hang out at a maker space, go to a car meetup, go off road driving, go camping or hiking in a national park, go to concerts, start muay thai or bjj, etc. I meet a ton of people without alcohol.
  - sureglymop 5y ago
    You're right.. I suppose I am also a very shy person. But for starters, I joined a soccer club. And hopefully soon I'll get over my anxiety of going to the gym, I've been wanting to go for some time.
aoifjaslfivjcam 5y ago
Not since covid, no. Some of us have been stuck in single rooms with no family or social contact for over a year. Exercise groups - Illegal meeting up with other people - Illegal dating - Illegal going outside without a valid reason - Illegal Former friends with established families and large properties with gardens berate you for complaining, as its selfish, "people are dying!", but they travel for holidays, take their kids to stay with their parents so they can have a weekend getting drunk in their garden, etc that sort of thing. Not friends anymore. Also most people who I considered friends before, it turns out are just acquaintances. People I've known for 10-15 years who it turns out don't care about my wellbeing, just see me as a guy they did activity X with, went to events with, etc. A whole lot of that. Also lots of people do not like the fact that I questioned the rationale for the lockdown measures, questioned the data ( as in wanted to know what the actual data was), etc. They did not like it AT ALL. Now restrictions might be lifting in the future, I am faced with the situation of being without a social circle. A social life of nothing. The only people I speak to are my colleagues, and that's how it's been for quite some time. Again I emphasize that it has been illegal to even try to change that, and socially taboo enough to question this and say that this is making me miserable as fuck that any existing friends have abandoned me, lots of blocked contacts on whatsapp (there's this impression amongst many that questioning the lockdowns, asking for data, saying this is not good you personally makes me a republican conspiracy theorist nutcase, etc). How do I rebuild a new life when my ability to trust other people is lower than I ever thought it could be? I have no family to lean on for support. As far as I am concerned I might as well be a secret Jew in 1944 Berlin for the level of trust I have for other people now.
- wing-_-nuts 5y ago
  >Also lots of people do not like the fact that I questioned the rationale for the lockdown measures, questioned the data ( as in wanted to know what the actual data was), etc. They did not like it AT ALL. >As far as I am concerned I might as well be a secret Jew in 1944 Berlin for the level of trust I have for other people now. Holy persecution complex, batman! Millions were dying and being asked to wear a mask, social distance and wash your hands was too much of a sacrifice for you? You may want to take a hard look at yourself.
wonderwonder 5y ago
I am in my early 40's with 0 friends. Had them earlier in life and once I had kids I just could not figure out how to balance kids, work and friends. Now I have no idea how to make new ones.
- mensetmanusman 5y ago
  I moved about 8 years ago and met people here having coffee every Monday morning at 6. Great way to start the week!
  - wonderwonder 5y ago
    appreciate the tip, assuming you mean at a coffee shop or something similar? Still have the kids though :) so cant really go grab coffee that early. I am sure most of the problem is me not figuring it out but I am pretty much at a loss, I work remotely, have younger kids that I have to take to school and pickup, feed etc. Finish work at like 6 then kids until 9. So weekdays are out. Then weekends seems like there is always something to do or I am just exhausted and feel bad abandoning my wife and kids to go do something. I know I am the cause of my own issues, just not sure of the solution.
    - mensetmanusman 5y ago
      I have a kids as well, and it helps that my wife is at home then. Definitely the whole house is sleeping until 7 or so. But just 1 day a week helps.
    - cloverich 5y ago
      I also feel bad abandoning my wife and vice versa but I realized recently its still important to find space for that. After some mutual encouragement we've begun taking turns here and there watching the kids, purely for the other person to make plans and go out. Of course, it doesn't help making friends necessarily, but having that habbit does provide the space for it when the opportunities arise.

Apparently not. As psychologists worry that the coronavirus pandemic is triggering a loneliness epidemic, new Harvard research suggests feelings of social isolation are on the rise and that those hardest hit are older teens and young adults. In the recently released results of a study conducted last October by researchers at Making Caring Common, 36 percent of respondents to a national survey of approximately 950 Americans reported feeling lonely “frequently” or “almost all the time or all the time” in the prior four weeks, compared with 25 percent who recalled experiencing serious issues in the two months prior to the pandemic. Perhaps most striking is that 61 percent of those aged 18 to 25 reported high levels. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2021/02/young-adults-teens-loneliness-mental-health-coronavirus-covid-pandemic/ https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2021/02/young-adults-... I'm excited to go back to work in-person. Working with my colleagues gives me a great deal of joy throughout the day.

Robotbeat 5y ago

It’s hard to make friends as an adult. Especially: 1) If you don’t have kids (socializing with other parents). 2) Don’t go to church/synagogue/etc (church attendance in decline) 3) Do not live where you grew up. (People chase opportunities in other cities.) 4) Aren’t in school any more. Neighbor friends are also possible, but it can take many years for people to become comfortable enough to be friends, and due to #3, there’s often not enough time for that to happen before people move. Half my friends are from work and half are parents. They’re not super shallow friendships but also not soul-level deep, either. Deep friendships were left behind from college days.

altcognito 5y ago
I could see that. These folks should: Join a club, volunteer for a charity, play a sport, add a hobby, visit nature.
dv_dt 5y ago
With covid remote, I finally started exercising more regularly and attending meetings for local hiking groups and a maker group that I had been putting off for ages. And I think my productivity at work increased because of it. Changed jobs to negotiate a permanent remote situation and am not going back. I think it’s fine for some people to want to be on office, but think that a lot of work in the tech area should have the option of remote - and frankly would be better remote first with in-office allowances instead of vice versa.
skciva 5y ago
I've been seeing this sentiment shared recently and what I always suggest is to 1) Look at your hobbies 2) Find people who share those hobbies Plenty of opportunities exist whether through meetup, BumbleBFF, local postings in cafes/on lamp posts, etc. (this is true of cities, remote destinations may be more difficult but thats the tradeoff of living around less people I suppose) If you can't find groups for your hobbies, try starting them! Doesn't have to be a permanent leadership role, but if you get the ball rolling others will likely come and BOOM you've found potential friends. If you don't have hobbies, look into volunteer groups. Rewarding and often extremely kind people who will value what you bring to the table. Hope this helps!
- katbyte 5y ago
  echoing this, i've met and made most of my current deep friendships via climbing and snowboarding. shared experience and time lead to friends
Gene5ive 5y ago
I find this perspective interesting. I'm 36, have no kids, don't go to church, don't live anywhere near where I grew up or my biological family, and haven't been in school for a very long time but have no shortage of friends or even deep friendships. I think culture is a huge reason. I live in close-in Portland, Oregon and I think the main thing we all have in common is that we all enjoy going to see live music and DJs together. Urban living and music can have a huge ability to replace everything on that list. In fact, my partner and I will be throwing a vaccinated-only music festival this summer and we have about 100 people invited, the vast majority personal friends and only a handful have kids. However, I think working in tech helps. Most of my old friends who never made the jump from the service industry into tech by going to code school or something like that had to move away because the city got too expensive. In short, music + tech + urban makes finding and keeping friends easy, at least in Portland.
HarryHirsch 5y ago
Contemporary architecture doesn't help. In 70's developments houses have front porches, but sometime in the 90's they turned houses around, and now everyone sits on their back deck or their games room in their cardboard palace. You don't encounter people any more when you are walking the dog.

sureglymop 5y ago

As someone in their 20s without social media, I have exactly 0 friends. I live in a central European country and everyone around me has a friend group that originated during their childhood; they have childhood friends. I do not, mainly because throughout my time in school I switched schools a whole lot for various reasons. Over the years I've also grown quite insecure about it and anxious. Now I also happen to not like alcohol or smoking which really reduces my chances of meeting someone my age to 0, because I don't go out to parties and such. Not that it was even possible during COVID-19. I'm happy that I at least have supportive parents, siblings and family. But I think there are a lot of young people in my situation and many of them only have parasocial relationships, for example with Twitch streamers and YouTubers. Homeoffice has been hard with all the distractions home has to offer and I really do miss eating lunch with coworkers. I'm going to start studying at university this fall so I'm optimistic that I might make some friends there.

aksss 5y ago
You need to join organizations - hobby groups, collector groups, professional groups, etc.
spfzero 5y ago
Maybe try reaching out to some coworkers and see if they'll meet you for lunch somewhere in between. I have one I meet every week, and one I meet once a month or so, and another who I meet up with but not for lunch, just a 10 minute chat or so. They probably are feeling a lot like you.
carom 5y ago
I don't smoke or drink. You can still go play billiards, work out at a gym, find a pull up bar in public, join a bicycle group ride, skateboard, join a yoga class, hang out at a maker space, go to a car meetup, go off road driving, go camping or hiking in a national park, go to concerts, start muay thai or bjj, etc. I meet a ton of people without alcohol.
- sureglymop 5y ago
  You're right.. I suppose I am also a very shy person. But for starters, I joined a soccer club. And hopefully soon I'll get over my anxiety of going to the gym, I've been wanting to go for some time.

aoifjaslfivjcam 5y ago

Not since covid, no. Some of us have been stuck in single rooms with no family or social contact for over a year. Exercise groups - Illegal meeting up with other people - Illegal dating - Illegal going outside without a valid reason - Illegal Former friends with established families and large properties with gardens berate you for complaining, as its selfish, "people are dying!", but they travel for holidays, take their kids to stay with their parents so they can have a weekend getting drunk in their garden, etc that sort of thing. Not friends anymore. Also most people who I considered friends before, it turns out are just acquaintances. People I've known for 10-15 years who it turns out don't care about my wellbeing, just see me as a guy they did activity X with, went to events with, etc. A whole lot of that. Also lots of people do not like the fact that I questioned the rationale for the lockdown measures, questioned the data ( as in wanted to know what the actual data was), etc. They did not like it AT ALL. Now restrictions might be lifting in the future, I am faced with the situation of being without a social circle. A social life of nothing. The only people I speak to are my colleagues, and that's how it's been for quite some time. Again I emphasize that it has been illegal to even try to change that, and socially taboo enough to question this and say that this is making me miserable as fuck that any existing friends have abandoned me, lots of blocked contacts on whatsapp (there's this impression amongst many that questioning the lockdowns, asking for data, saying this is not good you personally makes me a republican conspiracy theorist nutcase, etc). How do I rebuild a new life when my ability to trust other people is lower than I ever thought it could be? I have no family to lean on for support. As far as I am concerned I might as well be a secret Jew in 1944 Berlin for the level of trust I have for other people now.

wing-_-nuts 5y ago
>Also lots of people do not like the fact that I questioned the rationale for the lockdown measures, questioned the data ( as in wanted to know what the actual data was), etc. They did not like it AT ALL. >As far as I am concerned I might as well be a secret Jew in 1944 Berlin for the level of trust I have for other people now. Holy persecution complex, batman! Millions were dying and being asked to wear a mask, social distance and wash your hands was too much of a sacrifice for you? You may want to take a hard look at yourself.

wonderwonder 5y ago

I am in my early 40's with 0 friends. Had them earlier in life and once I had kids I just could not figure out how to balance kids, work and friends. Now I have no idea how to make new ones.

mensetmanusman 5y ago
I moved about 8 years ago and met people here having coffee every Monday morning at 6. Great way to start the week!
- wonderwonder 5y ago
  appreciate the tip, assuming you mean at a coffee shop or something similar? Still have the kids though :) so cant really go grab coffee that early. I am sure most of the problem is me not figuring it out but I am pretty much at a loss, I work remotely, have younger kids that I have to take to school and pickup, feed etc. Finish work at like 6 then kids until 9. So weekdays are out. Then weekends seems like there is always something to do or I am just exhausted and feel bad abandoning my wife and kids to go do something. I know I am the cause of my own issues, just not sure of the solution.
  - mensetmanusman 5y ago
    I have a kids as well, and it helps that my wife is at home then. Definitely the whole house is sleeping until 7 or so. But just 1 day a week helps.
  - cloverich 5y ago
    I also feel bad abandoning my wife and vice versa but I realized recently its still important to find space for that. After some mutual encouragement we've begun taking turns here and there watching the kids, purely for the other person to make plans and go out. Of course, it doesn't help making friends necessarily, but having that habbit does provide the space for it when the opportunities arise.