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I am looking for ways to improve communication (and hence also negotiations). Far too many times I have been too very direct - I really envy typical HR's soft-s

I am looking for ways to improve communication (and hence also negotiations). Far too many times I have been too very direct - I really envy typical HR's soft-spoken language, even if it is to deliver something horrific. I don't know if this is just how I am build mentally or not. The only way to find is to learn and try to adapt. So, not sure if this fits the question - spent a lot of time learning new tech, focusing on non-tech for a short period of time. I feel that I have been overlooking that side of skill-set.

bfors 5y ago
You might want to checkout out NVC: https://www.clearerthinking.org/post/2019/03/06/want-to-improve-your-relationships-try-nonviolent-communication-1 https://www.clearerthinking.org/post/2019/03/06/want-to-impr... I found it through HN and for me, personally, it has helped.
- iKevinShah 5y ago
  Holy shit that was a good read honestly.
goostavos 5y ago
I've been working on this, too (admittedly... for years)! I similarly have a 'very direct' style of communication. I've received formal feedback on more than one occasion calling me 'abrasive'. fwiw, two books helped me massively in this area: 1. The Field Guide to Human Error. This book I read on a whim just because I thought it would be useful for software development. The first few chapter's ended up being kind of life altering. It felt like along personal attack on my character. In short, it was about perspectives we take when dealing with other people, and how viewing from our vantage point is not only frequently wrong, but it's lazy. Even with things like CR comments. I now ask myself "_why_ do they think that's the right approach?" 2. Never Split the Difference. While it's about negotiations, it deals a lot with how humans think, and despite what we tell ourselves or want to believe about we being rational creatures, emotion dominates almost all interactions. It gives all kinds of useful advice for framing conversations and using language which avoids being confrontational or accusatory. This was another huge one for me, as it shifted just about all of my conversations from starting with "you're dumb and here's why" to "let's make sure we agree on what the problem is" and then making finding the solution a collaborative effort, rather than a top down directive.
- iKevinShah 5y ago
  Sorry I am late on replying to this. I am checking both of the suggested books, will start looking into `The field to Human Error`, nothing like 'personal attack on my character' which makes you related to the book.

bfors 5y ago

You might want to checkout out NVC: https://www.clearerthinking.org/post/2019/03/06/want-to-improve-your-relationships-try-nonviolent-communication-1 https://www.clearerthinking.org/post/2019/03/06/want-to-impr... I found it through HN and for me, personally, it has helped.

iKevinShah 5y ago
Holy shit that was a good read honestly.

goostavos 5y ago

I've been working on this, too (admittedly... for years)! I similarly have a 'very direct' style of communication. I've received formal feedback on more than one occasion calling me 'abrasive'. fwiw, two books helped me massively in this area: 1. The Field Guide to Human Error. This book I read on a whim just because I thought it would be useful for software development. The first few chapter's ended up being kind of life altering. It felt like along personal attack on my character. In short, it was about perspectives we take when dealing with other people, and how viewing from our vantage point is not only frequently wrong, but it's lazy. Even with things like CR comments. I now ask myself "_why_ do they think that's the right approach?" 2. Never Split the Difference. While it's about negotiations, it deals a lot with how humans think, and despite what we tell ourselves or want to believe about we being rational creatures, emotion dominates almost all interactions. It gives all kinds of useful advice for framing conversations and using language which avoids being confrontational or accusatory. This was another huge one for me, as it shifted just about all of my conversations from starting with "you're dumb and here's why" to "let's make sure we agree on what the problem is" and then making finding the solution a collaborative effort, rather than a top down directive.

iKevinShah 5y ago
Sorry I am late on replying to this. I am checking both of the suggested books, will start looking into `The field to Human Error`, nothing like 'personal attack on my character' which makes you related to the book.