4 ms·

I planned out my suicide and here we are.

by fastly 5y ago

jwdunne 5y ago
What led up to you living in your car?
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- fastly 5y ago
  Gave it all away! All of it. My nest egg, my credit, my reputation. It's all gone. I did this to prepare for suicide. Still afraid to follow through, so I tend to complain online when food runs out.
  - jwdunne 5y ago
    How did you give away your reputation? And why do you want to commit suicide?
    - fastly 5y ago
      > how reputation finances, credit, rental, legal, personal, family, work, online rep - all wrecked > why suicide lots of reasons, too many to list
      - monkeycantype 5y ago
        Hello Fastly, sorry to hear that you're struggling. I'm no expert on advising you or anyone through what you're going through, but there's an above average amount of mental illness and alcoholism and intergenerational violence in my family - all four grandparents were alcoholic and have seen a lot of scorched earth approach to life, but in every case there was a redemption and a happier life of some form in the long run. I carry a lot of them in me, through nature or nurture I don't know, but seem to have made through a vastly more complex path than was necessary to a contented life, but it's taken a very long time, and it doesn't hold together every day. If you're at the point where you hate the life you have, there are lots of ways to walk away from your current life and start a new one. Plenty of places where a person who can read and write and drive a car can do a lot of good and help a lot of other people. My unexpert opinion is that being open about exactly how terrible you are feeling and functioning is extremely freeing, a lot more people than you would think are secretly ashamed of their hidden chaos. A lot of the people who outwardly seem prosperous and functional are running on maxed out credit and self loathing, and will be very empathetic towards you and willing to help if you show them the truth of where you are at. There's an amazing interview with Hank Azaria from the simpsons about how his athletic physique is actually a symptom of his intense self loathing and his constant unrelenting need to punish his body and shame of his appearance. The people around you are messier than you think. What state or country you in Fastly?
        fastly 5y ago
        us
        fastly 5y ago
        Thanks for detailed reply. A bit late, though. I don't intend to return back to normal. I don't wish to exist off of the system. This leaves one option: self-termination. As per other comment, I find human existence to be disgusting. This is not by any means an acute decision. Years in the making. I ran out of food money a few days ago knowing I'd face this decision yet again.
        monkeycantype 5y ago
        That's sounds rough. I'll probably agree with you point for point on the terribleness of people, but I take a different view on what it means. We've stumbled to this point, not unstained from the a garden of eden, but from simple ruthless RNA lifeforms at the bottom of the ocean, to the point where can ponder our own existence. To look at ourselves and be disgusted means that within us we have evolved the capacity to desires something better, to believe it would be better to live with kindness and integrity. Generation by generation we are becoming kinder and more peaceful, but it's slow lumpy progress that's going to take centuries. Is there any possibility in your mind that depression and deep unhappiness might mean that only the the terrible things about people are resonating with you and not the good and the potential. If your thinking is solid it then it won't be swayed by a good meal, a good night's sleep, getting somewhere warm, somewhere people are kind, somewhere you can do something kind for someone else. But it might give you a moment of relief, and in that moment you might find that there is a way to live, not off the system, not back to normal but a niche you hadn't thought of where you can live with integrity with less pain. If you're still in seattle, would you be willing to go help these guys feed the hungry tomorrow and feed yourself too: https://seattlefoodnotbombs.org/contact/ https://seattlefoodnotbombs.org/contact/ Email: hello@seattlefoodnotbombs.org Phone: 253-237-6196 or these guys https://www.ugm.org/volunteer/ https://www.ugm.org/volunteer/ : volunteer@ugm.org or (206) 723-0767. If your current perspective is solid it won't be swayed by seeing people working hard to make other people's existence less shitty.
    - fastly 5y ago
      Why? I find this species and human existence to be intolerable and loathsome. I think humans are shit. I have hated being alive for decades, and have held on for too long only to see everything deteriorate. In my view, it's better to self terminate now and save resources. To be clear, I am destitute and have zero intention nor desire to participate in human culture again. It's why I gave everything away in preparation for suicide. __Practical Reasons__ I've dealt with unresolved bullying and abuse for decades and decided enough was enough. Past the point of no return now. I also have an untreatable medical condition that has wrecked my quality of life for decades. Hoping to finally do it this time. Too many false starts.
      - jwdunne 5y ago
        Who is bullying you and what are they doing? Ouch, what medical condition do you have man? All of that would get me down too. I get why you want to throw in the towel, it’s not easy. But please don’t. Please let’s just keep the conversation going so I can fully understand. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing that you died alone, hungry and completely broken.
        jwdunne 5y ago
        If you’re still reading this, please let me know you’re okay!

I planned out my suicide and here we are.

by fastly 5y ago

I planned out my suicide and here we are.

jwdunne 5y ago

What led up to you living in your car?

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
fastly 5y ago
Gave it all away! All of it. My nest egg, my credit, my reputation. It's all gone. I did this to prepare for suicide. Still afraid to follow through, so I tend to complain online when food runs out.
- jwdunne 5y ago
  How did you give away your reputation? And why do you want to commit suicide?
  - fastly 5y ago
    > how reputation finances, credit, rental, legal, personal, family, work, online rep - all wrecked > why suicide lots of reasons, too many to list
    - monkeycantype 5y ago
      Hello Fastly, sorry to hear that you're struggling. I'm no expert on advising you or anyone through what you're going through, but there's an above average amount of mental illness and alcoholism and intergenerational violence in my family - all four grandparents were alcoholic and have seen a lot of scorched earth approach to life, but in every case there was a redemption and a happier life of some form in the long run. I carry a lot of them in me, through nature or nurture I don't know, but seem to have made through a vastly more complex path than was necessary to a contented life, but it's taken a very long time, and it doesn't hold together every day. If you're at the point where you hate the life you have, there are lots of ways to walk away from your current life and start a new one. Plenty of places where a person who can read and write and drive a car can do a lot of good and help a lot of other people. My unexpert opinion is that being open about exactly how terrible you are feeling and functioning is extremely freeing, a lot more people than you would think are secretly ashamed of their hidden chaos. A lot of the people who outwardly seem prosperous and functional are running on maxed out credit and self loathing, and will be very empathetic towards you and willing to help if you show them the truth of where you are at. There's an amazing interview with Hank Azaria from the simpsons about how his athletic physique is actually a symptom of his intense self loathing and his constant unrelenting need to punish his body and shame of his appearance. The people around you are messier than you think. What state or country you in Fastly?
      - fastly 5y ago
        us
      - fastly 5y ago
        Thanks for detailed reply. A bit late, though. I don't intend to return back to normal. I don't wish to exist off of the system. This leaves one option: self-termination. As per other comment, I find human existence to be disgusting. This is not by any means an acute decision. Years in the making. I ran out of food money a few days ago knowing I'd face this decision yet again.
        monkeycantype 5y ago
        That's sounds rough. I'll probably agree with you point for point on the terribleness of people, but I take a different view on what it means. We've stumbled to this point, not unstained from the a garden of eden, but from simple ruthless RNA lifeforms at the bottom of the ocean, to the point where can ponder our own existence. To look at ourselves and be disgusted means that within us we have evolved the capacity to desires something better, to believe it would be better to live with kindness and integrity. Generation by generation we are becoming kinder and more peaceful, but it's slow lumpy progress that's going to take centuries. Is there any possibility in your mind that depression and deep unhappiness might mean that only the the terrible things about people are resonating with you and not the good and the potential. If your thinking is solid it then it won't be swayed by a good meal, a good night's sleep, getting somewhere warm, somewhere people are kind, somewhere you can do something kind for someone else. But it might give you a moment of relief, and in that moment you might find that there is a way to live, not off the system, not back to normal but a niche you hadn't thought of where you can live with integrity with less pain. If you're still in seattle, would you be willing to go help these guys feed the hungry tomorrow and feed yourself too: https://seattlefoodnotbombs.org/contact/ https://seattlefoodnotbombs.org/contact/ Email: hello@seattlefoodnotbombs.org Phone: 253-237-6196 or these guys https://www.ugm.org/volunteer/ https://www.ugm.org/volunteer/ : volunteer@ugm.org or (206) 723-0767. If your current perspective is solid it won't be swayed by seeing people working hard to make other people's existence less shitty.
  - fastly 5y ago
    Why? I find this species and human existence to be intolerable and loathsome. I think humans are shit. I have hated being alive for decades, and have held on for too long only to see everything deteriorate. In my view, it's better to self terminate now and save resources. To be clear, I am destitute and have zero intention nor desire to participate in human culture again. It's why I gave everything away in preparation for suicide. __Practical Reasons__ I've dealt with unresolved bullying and abuse for decades and decided enough was enough. Past the point of no return now. I also have an untreatable medical condition that has wrecked my quality of life for decades. Hoping to finally do it this time. Too many false starts.
    - jwdunne 5y ago
      Who is bullying you and what are they doing? Ouch, what medical condition do you have man? All of that would get me down too. I get why you want to throw in the towel, it’s not easy. But please don’t. Please let’s just keep the conversation going so I can fully understand. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing that you died alone, hungry and completely broken.
      - jwdunne 5y ago
        If you’re still reading this, please let me know you’re okay!