5 ms·

It's so tempting to just end it now, it's difficult to convey how overwhelming the feeling to self-terminate has been these past few years. If history is any me

by fastly 5y ago

It's so tempting to just end it now, it's difficult to convey how overwhelming the feeling to self-terminate has been these past few years. If history is any measure, I'll back out, though. Why have I heard or read about water fasts from multiple independent parties in the past 48 hours, incl this article? I'm creeped out beyond words.

jwdunne 5y ago
What happened man? I know I’m a stranger on the internet and I’m probably half a world away but I’m listening. I’ve been in some real rough holes too and I know what it feels like to lose all hope but I’ve never been without a home. Can’t imagine how hard that is for you mate.
- fastly 5y ago
  I planned out my suicide and here we are.
  - jwdunne 5y ago
    What led up to you living in your car?
    - deleted 5y ago
      [deleted]
    - fastly 5y ago
      Gave it all away! All of it. My nest egg, my credit, my reputation. It's all gone. I did this to prepare for suicide. Still afraid to follow through, so I tend to complain online when food runs out.
      - jwdunne 5y ago
        How did you give away your reputation? And why do you want to commit suicide?
        fastly 5y ago
        > how reputation finances, credit, rental, legal, personal, family, work, online rep - all wrecked > why suicide lots of reasons, too many to list
        monkeycantype 5y ago
        Hello Fastly, sorry to hear that you're struggling. I'm no expert on advising you or anyone through what you're going through, but there's an above average amount of mental illness and alcoholism and intergenerational violence in my family - all four grandparents were alcoholic and have seen a lot of scorched earth approach to life, but in every case there was a redemption and a happier life of some form in the long run. I carry a lot of them in me, through nature or nurture I don't know, but seem to have made through a vastly more complex path than was necessary to a contented life, but it's taken a very long time, and it doesn't hold together every day. If you're at the point where you hate the life you have, there are lots of ways to walk away from your current life and start a new one. Plenty of places where a person who can read and write and drive a car can do a lot of good and help a lot of other people. My unexpert opinion is that being open about exactly how terrible you are feeling and functioning is extremely freeing, a lot more people than you would think are secretly ashamed of their hidden chaos. A lot of the people who outwardly seem prosperous and functional are running on maxed out credit and self loathing, and will be very empathetic towards you and willing to help if you show them the truth of where you are at. There's an amazing interview with Hank Azaria from the simpsons about how his athletic physique is actually a symptom of his intense self loathing and his constant unrelenting need to punish his body and shame of his appearance. The people around you are messier than you think. What state or country you in Fastly?
        fastly 5y ago
        us
        fastly 5y ago
        Thanks for detailed reply. A bit late, though. I don't intend to return back to normal. I don't wish to exist off of the system. This leaves one option: self-termination. As per other comment, I find human existence to be disgusting. This is not by any means an acute decision. Years in the making. I ran out of food money a few days ago knowing I'd face this decision yet again.
sterlind 5y ago
likely the Baader-Meinhof effect - multiple parties may have recently read the same article in the feed, or it might just be that coincidences are likely in independent sets of conversation topics (e.g. the Birthday paradox), or meta-patterns to complex behavior that we're not consciously aware of but show up. finding patterns in noise and noticing coincidences can be symptoms of psychosis, though. I hope you give meds another try before you hurt yourself..
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- fastly 5y ago
  I've never taken meds. Your assumption that I have taken them before is wrong. Seeing patterns is just that, a pattern matching process of the brain. It's annoying and creepy, like your response. I don't draw conclusions. It's insulting and counterproductive to make an anonymous diagnosis (or even a suggestion of the possibility of one) to a stranger online. Please don't do that. I am under enough pressure as it is. Your response makes it harder for me, despite your intention. So, kindly discontinue.
  - fastly 5y ago
    What a worthless piece of shit this ape species is, especially the smart ones who think they know more than they do. Good riddance. Seattle / Bellevue was full of pompous self important dicks.
- fastly 5y ago
  Hey, question. On one of my twitter accounts where I tweet about my suicidal ideations, when I start a tweet to "@coffee", twitter's autocomplete returns the first suggestion as "Death Wish Coffee". This doesn't happen on my other twitter accounts. Am I noticing a pattern that is possibly indicative of psychosis? Or is twitter's pattern matching algo matching up my "death wish" (discussions of suicidal ideation) with "death wish coffee"? Or, perhaps there is some other explanation?
- jwdunne 5y ago

by fastly 5y ago

jwdunne 5y ago

What happened man? I know I’m a stranger on the internet and I’m probably half a world away but I’m listening. I’ve been in some real rough holes too and I know what it feels like to lose all hope but I’ve never been without a home. Can’t imagine how hard that is for you mate.

fastly 5y ago
I planned out my suicide and here we are.
- jwdunne 5y ago
  What led up to you living in your car?
  - deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]
  - fastly 5y ago
    Gave it all away! All of it. My nest egg, my credit, my reputation. It's all gone. I did this to prepare for suicide. Still afraid to follow through, so I tend to complain online when food runs out.
    - jwdunne 5y ago
      How did you give away your reputation? And why do you want to commit suicide?
      - fastly 5y ago
        > how reputation finances, credit, rental, legal, personal, family, work, online rep - all wrecked > why suicide lots of reasons, too many to list
        monkeycantype 5y ago
        Hello Fastly, sorry to hear that you're struggling. I'm no expert on advising you or anyone through what you're going through, but there's an above average amount of mental illness and alcoholism and intergenerational violence in my family - all four grandparents were alcoholic and have seen a lot of scorched earth approach to life, but in every case there was a redemption and a happier life of some form in the long run. I carry a lot of them in me, through nature or nurture I don't know, but seem to have made through a vastly more complex path than was necessary to a contented life, but it's taken a very long time, and it doesn't hold together every day. If you're at the point where you hate the life you have, there are lots of ways to walk away from your current life and start a new one. Plenty of places where a person who can read and write and drive a car can do a lot of good and help a lot of other people. My unexpert opinion is that being open about exactly how terrible you are feeling and functioning is extremely freeing, a lot more people than you would think are secretly ashamed of their hidden chaos. A lot of the people who outwardly seem prosperous and functional are running on maxed out credit and self loathing, and will be very empathetic towards you and willing to help if you show them the truth of where you are at. There's an amazing interview with Hank Azaria from the simpsons about how his athletic physique is actually a symptom of his intense self loathing and his constant unrelenting need to punish his body and shame of his appearance. The people around you are messier than you think. What state or country you in Fastly?
        fastly 5y ago
        us
        fastly 5y ago
        Thanks for detailed reply. A bit late, though. I don't intend to return back to normal. I don't wish to exist off of the system. This leaves one option: self-termination. As per other comment, I find human existence to be disgusting. This is not by any means an acute decision. Years in the making. I ran out of food money a few days ago knowing I'd face this decision yet again.

sterlind 5y ago

likely the Baader-Meinhof effect - multiple parties may have recently read the same article in the feed, or it might just be that coincidences are likely in independent sets of conversation topics (e.g. the Birthday paradox), or meta-patterns to complex behavior that we're not consciously aware of but show up. finding patterns in noise and noticing coincidences can be symptoms of psychosis, though. I hope you give meds another try before you hurt yourself..

deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
fastly 5y ago
I've never taken meds. Your assumption that I have taken them before is wrong. Seeing patterns is just that, a pattern matching process of the brain. It's annoying and creepy, like your response. I don't draw conclusions. It's insulting and counterproductive to make an anonymous diagnosis (or even a suggestion of the possibility of one) to a stranger online. Please don't do that. I am under enough pressure as it is. Your response makes it harder for me, despite your intention. So, kindly discontinue.
- fastly 5y ago
  What a worthless piece of shit this ape species is, especially the smart ones who think they know more than they do. Good riddance. Seattle / Bellevue was full of pompous self important dicks.
fastly 5y ago
Hey, question. On one of my twitter accounts where I tweet about my suicidal ideations, when I start a tweet to "@coffee", twitter's autocomplete returns the first suggestion as "Death Wish Coffee". This doesn't happen on my other twitter accounts. Am I noticing a pattern that is possibly indicative of psychosis? Or is twitter's pattern matching algo matching up my "death wish" (discussions of suicidal ideation) with "death wish coffee"? Or, perhaps there is some other explanation?
jwdunne 5y ago