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(1) your biggest problem is yourself (which means it’s in your control, possible to change) Not in your control, and can't change, hence the question. A common

(1) your biggest problem is yourself (which means it’s in your control, possible to change) Not in your control, and can't change, hence the question. A common and dangerous trap. "I can change" may be as treacherous an approach as "say no to drugs". If we locked up all the people that failed to change, our prisons would be full(er). I'd be there too. Now with the modified premise that "you can't change", "your biggest problem is yourself" becomes horrible news. It's the one thing you can't solve. But that's where many people find themselves. But if you can't change, then what? This spares you of all the self-criticims, self-help, self-motivation, and can help you reframe your narrative: - A therapist doesn't help you "change". You're giving yourself someone to talk to. You're paying someone friendly, that wants to be your friend, has a lot of knowledge about struggling people, and can give you drugs. That's a great deal for anyone who can afford it. - Drugs don't change you. They medicate you. If you take asprin for a headache, nothing about you changed apart from a less aching head. Just talking this way will make you feel better already, and it helps that they're true. I mentioned therapy and drugs because they work and are also mentioned by many other comments. But without "changing yourself" there is a ton you can do. What you have control over and can change are your people, your relationships with your people, your location, your job, how you spend your time, how you spend your money, what you eat, etc, etc. If you insist people can change, okay, but you have to agree changing these things is far easier than changing people. It's easier to change the relationship with your manager or even replacing him than "changing" your manager. Same applies with yourself. But the best part is, if you do all these things, you will feel better. You will change. You're one with all of these things. Because, ultimately, that's all you is.

narfman0 5y ago
Note, you start with > Not in your control, and can't change but end with > you will feel better. You will change fwiw, it sounds like you landed on agreeing.
- popcornminute2 5y ago
  No. The result is the same, which I admit is confusing. You should notice by the end that the two you's are different, and they are two distinctly different ways of modeling the world. The deeper question is, what is change? And, what are you? The first "you" is ego-centric. It's "what's wrong with me me me, I can change me me me". But that would never lead to the solution which is simply to remove "me" from the problem and just listing all the problems in your life. You wouldn't describe that as "you are in control, you can change". You would't seek self-help or self-motivation or self-worth. You would simply describe that as "I solved my problems, maybe I can help you with yours". You don't have to change, because you are not your problems. This self-this self-that thinking is a deadend. That's the point. "I must change" is the goal most start with. Changing everything else in your life is how you arrive at achieving it. "I" never had to change. "I" self adjusts as the result of everything near it. But "I" has power over everything near it. That's the paradox of the selfless sovereign individual. In contrast, the selfish sovereign individual makes the most sense to most people in western society, which accounts for where we are.
tailspin2019 5y ago
> Not in your control, and can't change, hence the question. A common and dangerous trap. "I can change" may be as treacherous an approach as "say no to drugs". If we locked up all the people that failed to change, our prisons would be full(er). I'd be there too. I want be charitable to your comment but I think the premise of "I can't change" could be just as "dangerous" (as you put it). If you actually meant "change is difficult" then I would agree. But, of course we can change. Can you learn a musical instrument? Can you learn to cook? Can you learn a language? Can you learn to use more positive language? Can you learn to use more positive self-talk (CBT)? Can you learn to get better at pausing between feeling an emotion and responding to that emotion to exercise self-regulation? (This skill is demonstrably what separates us from other animals). Whether learning an instrument or changing your thought patterns, you're just creating, strengthening or weakening different connections within your brain. Some ingrained behaviours are harder to change, some feel impossible, but nonetheless we can absolutely change. >This spares you of all the self-criticims, self-help, self-motivation, and can help you reframe your narrative This essentially boils down to a bit of self-compassion and acceptance which I agree with although its not necessarily predicated on giving up on your ability to change. > It's easier to change the relationship with your manager or even replacing him than "changing" your manager. Same applies with yourself. I definitely agree that changing your environment or the people around you can be very powerful, and often easier than deep internal change. I think that changing yourself is not the same as trying to "change" your manager though. You can't change others, you can influence them, but you can change yourself. In fact you are constantly changing - it's just a matter of whether you're changing by your own intention or by outside influence. "...as you begin to understand the fixed and growth mindsets, you will see exactly how one thing leads to another— how a belief that your qualities are carved in stone leads to a host of thoughts and actions, and how a belief that your qualities can be cultivated leads to a host of different thoughts and actions, taking you down an entirely different road." Carol Dweck - Mindset
- popcornminute2 5y ago
  You need to realize why the question was asked in the first place and how stuck he feels. Existential crises result from our belief in our ability to change confronted with our inability to do so. But I'm saying it's not that you suck at it or that you suck. It simply is the wrong approach. There is no you to suck in the first place. I'm not saying there is no you either. I'm saying, don't look at you that way. > You can't change others, you can influence them This is the error. Trying to change yourself is like trying to change your manager. All you can do is influence yourself, and you know this. You talk to yourself but you don't listen. Hence you struggle. We all do. That's because there are two you's within you. One that listens and speaks, and the other that wants to feel acknowledged and valued and changed. The latter is your ego. You are not your ego. You are the one that listens and speaks. You are the one that influences and feeds your ego. But you are not your ego. The moment you externalize your ego, it becomes just another problem you can solve, because we are great at solving external problems. > often easier than deep internal change Ya, so just forget about this deep part. It will solve itself if you get on with your life. Even you make this distinction between knowledge and skills and this deeper thing. Skills and knowledge and philosophy can all be thought of as external. Deliberatly internal change is always a deadend. Most of the time it's just your ego thanking you for feeding it. > Can you learn to use more positive self-talk (CBT)? Can you learn to get better at pausing between feeling an emotion and responding to that emotion to exercise self-regulation? Words with self- feed the ego. Instead, simply say: Think more positively. Take a moment before you act. If you self-ragulate, and fail to regulate, you're left wondering about self. If you fail to take a moment before you act, you're left just wondering why you failed to take a moment before you acted. The difference may be subtle but it's precisely how you avoid an existential crisis.

narfman0 5y ago

Note, you start with > Not in your control, and can't change but end with > you will feel better. You will change fwiw, it sounds like you landed on agreeing.

popcornminute2 5y ago
No. The result is the same, which I admit is confusing. You should notice by the end that the two you's are different, and they are two distinctly different ways of modeling the world. The deeper question is, what is change? And, what are you? The first "you" is ego-centric. It's "what's wrong with me me me, I can change me me me". But that would never lead to the solution which is simply to remove "me" from the problem and just listing all the problems in your life. You wouldn't describe that as "you are in control, you can change". You would't seek self-help or self-motivation or self-worth. You would simply describe that as "I solved my problems, maybe I can help you with yours". You don't have to change, because you are not your problems. This self-this self-that thinking is a deadend. That's the point. "I must change" is the goal most start with. Changing everything else in your life is how you arrive at achieving it. "I" never had to change. "I" self adjusts as the result of everything near it. But "I" has power over everything near it. That's the paradox of the selfless sovereign individual. In contrast, the selfish sovereign individual makes the most sense to most people in western society, which accounts for where we are.

tailspin2019 5y ago

> Not in your control, and can't change, hence the question. A common and dangerous trap. "I can change" may be as treacherous an approach as "say no to drugs". If we locked up all the people that failed to change, our prisons would be full(er). I'd be there too. I want be charitable to your comment but I think the premise of "I can't change" could be just as "dangerous" (as you put it). If you actually meant "change is difficult" then I would agree. But, of course we can change. Can you learn a musical instrument? Can you learn to cook? Can you learn a language? Can you learn to use more positive language? Can you learn to use more positive self-talk (CBT)? Can you learn to get better at pausing between feeling an emotion and responding to that emotion to exercise self-regulation? (This skill is demonstrably what separates us from other animals). Whether learning an instrument or changing your thought patterns, you're just creating, strengthening or weakening different connections within your brain. Some ingrained behaviours are harder to change, some feel impossible, but nonetheless we can absolutely change. >This spares you of all the self-criticims, self-help, self-motivation, and can help you reframe your narrative This essentially boils down to a bit of self-compassion and acceptance which I agree with although its not necessarily predicated on giving up on your ability to change. > It's easier to change the relationship with your manager or even replacing him than "changing" your manager. Same applies with yourself. I definitely agree that changing your environment or the people around you can be very powerful, and often easier than deep internal change. I think that changing yourself is not the same as trying to "change" your manager though. You can't change others, you can influence them, but you can change yourself. In fact you are constantly changing - it's just a matter of whether you're changing by your own intention or by outside influence. "...as you begin to understand the fixed and growth mindsets, you will see exactly how one thing leads to another— how a belief that your qualities are carved in stone leads to a host of thoughts and actions, and how a belief that your qualities can be cultivated leads to a host of different thoughts and actions, taking you down an entirely different road." Carol Dweck - Mindset

popcornminute2 5y ago
You need to realize why the question was asked in the first place and how stuck he feels. Existential crises result from our belief in our ability to change confronted with our inability to do so. But I'm saying it's not that you suck at it or that you suck. It simply is the wrong approach. There is no you to suck in the first place. I'm not saying there is no you either. I'm saying, don't look at you that way. > You can't change others, you can influence them This is the error. Trying to change yourself is like trying to change your manager. All you can do is influence yourself, and you know this. You talk to yourself but you don't listen. Hence you struggle. We all do. That's because there are two you's within you. One that listens and speaks, and the other that wants to feel acknowledged and valued and changed. The latter is your ego. You are not your ego. You are the one that listens and speaks. You are the one that influences and feeds your ego. But you are not your ego. The moment you externalize your ego, it becomes just another problem you can solve, because we are great at solving external problems. > often easier than deep internal change Ya, so just forget about this deep part. It will solve itself if you get on with your life. Even you make this distinction between knowledge and skills and this deeper thing. Skills and knowledge and philosophy can all be thought of as external. Deliberatly internal change is always a deadend. Most of the time it's just your ego thanking you for feeding it. > Can you learn to use more positive self-talk (CBT)? Can you learn to get better at pausing between feeling an emotion and responding to that emotion to exercise self-regulation? Words with self- feed the ego. Instead, simply say: Think more positively. Take a moment before you act. If you self-ragulate, and fail to regulate, you're left wondering about self. If you fail to take a moment before you act, you're left just wondering why you failed to take a moment before you acted. The difference may be subtle but it's precisely how you avoid an existential crisis.