5 ms·

Parents who give their kids a regular diet of "High Praise", "Agreeableness", "Supportiveness" and "Positive Interaction", but don't send them to college create

by maeon3 15y ago

Parents who give their kids a regular diet of "High Praise", "Agreeableness", "Supportiveness" and "Positive Interaction", but don't send them to college create children who have higher socioeconomic statuses than children of disconnected parents who send theirs to college. Multiple studies done confirm this. http://books.google.com/books?id=XDq9Xf_NbrMC&lpg=PT28&ots=BODEK7jWBY&dq=high%20praise%2C%20agreeableness%2C%20supportiveness%2C%20positive%20interaction&pg=PT28#v=snippet&q=agreeableness&f=false http://books.google.com/books?id=XDq9Xf_NbrMC&lpg=PT28&#... Adam Savage from Mythbusters claimed his love of building came from his parents encouraging him to make all sorts of crazy inventions. Moral of the story, encourage the children to build stuff, keep them on track but don't do it for them.

nl 15y ago
I'm not trying to be pedantic, but that is a book, not a study. I've seen multiple studies that show parents who withhold praise raise higher achievers (personally, I don't like that, but none the less - the studies do exist)
- BindGuice 15y ago
  I don't think the bit was about praise, rather the act of stepping back and playing spectator.
- dazzawazza 15y ago
  You can encourage without fawning praise. A combination of letting my kids fail, talking about how to remedy and encouragement to get them over the 'getting started again' hump is working out great for my two kids.
- maeon3 15y ago
  If you expand the chapter you'll find the referenced study the author is drawing upon.
- Tichy 15y ago
  I thought the latest was to praise effort, not achievements. Praising achievements might induce self-consciousness and make kids not try very hard.
  - svdad 15y ago
    Yes. And the latest, well supported by research -- see Carol Dweck, Mindset.
  - tnorthcutt 15y ago
    My achievement (rather than effort) was praised. I certainly wish it had been the other way around - I think that would have led to much better work habits, willingness to push through tedious/boring work, etc.
- maratd 15y ago
  > I've seen multiple studies that show parents who withhold praise raise higher achievers Ok. I don't like that either. I'd rather raise a healthy, curious, creative, passionate, and happy child. I couldn't care less about what he achieves. If he achieves nothing, so be it. In fact, on average, he won't achieve much ... but when he does achieve something, it'll blow your mind. And that little drone you raised, who is desperately trying to catch your attention? He'll focus on titles and milestones. He can verbalize that. He can quantify it. He can get others (and you) to easily recognize his "achievement" ... more to the point, he will always be trying to put you in a position where you MUST give him praise, because you constantly hold it back. You want to know what that looks like? BA, BS, MS, Phd, JD, 100K salary, BMW, etc. etc. ... easily quantifiable status symbols that can be placed in a study and can be easily used to force the parent to render praise. Is that really achievement? I'd rather my kid start the next Apple.
  - rgraham 15y ago
    I think 'start the next Apple' is just as constrained as what you're dogging. What about just getting married and raising a great family? Or starting a mechanic shop that lets him fish every afternoon? Living a happy life that they choose and having a positive impact on the people around them. The occupation, money, etc. don't matter so much.
    - maratd 15y ago
      > What about just getting married and raising a great family? That's a lot harder than starting the next Apple. Seriously. Telling your kid "I just want you to be happy" is nice, but it conveys nothing. As a parent, it's your job to teach him how to get there. I should know what his passion is. I'm his dad. I don't care if it's computers, cars, or fish. Whatever it is, I'll do it with him and I'll push him to be the best in that field. I don't care what "achievements" he acquires. That trophy means squat. So does that degree. So does that salary. I want to see the child challenged, I want to see him fail, and I want to see him get up, learn from his mistakes, and try again. I want to see that attitude in every aspect of his life. That, alone, is the biggest achievement he can make. Maybe if the kid tries to become the next Steve Jobs, he'll fall on his ass often enough, to the point that the pain will beat into him what's really important in life ... and maybe, just maybe, after all that, he'll learn how to live a happy life.
thesystemis 15y ago
one of the nicest ideas I got from Adam Savage is the idea of a hardware store expense account. His father, instead of giving him an allowance, would give him a certain amount of money he could spend every week at the hardware store. An artist who is a hero of mine, Toshi Iwai (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toshio_Iwai http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toshio_Iwai) in his talks describes how his parents stopped buying toys for him when he turned 10. He was encouraged to design and build his own toys. When he talks about his art, he always starts by showing these great sketches and flipbooks he made as a ten year old. anyway, I find this approach (expense account for building supplies, encouraging children to build their own toys) really quite inspiring and plan on trying to raise my children the same way when they are that age.

by maeon3 15y ago

nl 15y ago

I'm not trying to be pedantic, but that is a book, not a study. I've seen multiple studies that show parents who withhold praise raise higher achievers (personally, I don't like that, but none the less - the studies do exist)

BindGuice 15y ago
I don't think the bit was about praise, rather the act of stepping back and playing spectator.
dazzawazza 15y ago
You can encourage without fawning praise. A combination of letting my kids fail, talking about how to remedy and encouragement to get them over the 'getting started again' hump is working out great for my two kids.
maeon3 15y ago
If you expand the chapter you'll find the referenced study the author is drawing upon.
Tichy 15y ago
I thought the latest was to praise effort, not achievements. Praising achievements might induce self-consciousness and make kids not try very hard.
- svdad 15y ago
  Yes. And the latest, well supported by research -- see Carol Dweck, Mindset.
- tnorthcutt 15y ago
  My achievement (rather than effort) was praised. I certainly wish it had been the other way around - I think that would have led to much better work habits, willingness to push through tedious/boring work, etc.
maratd 15y ago
> I've seen multiple studies that show parents who withhold praise raise higher achievers Ok. I don't like that either. I'd rather raise a healthy, curious, creative, passionate, and happy child. I couldn't care less about what he achieves. If he achieves nothing, so be it. In fact, on average, he won't achieve much ... but when he does achieve something, it'll blow your mind. And that little drone you raised, who is desperately trying to catch your attention? He'll focus on titles and milestones. He can verbalize that. He can quantify it. He can get others (and you) to easily recognize his "achievement" ... more to the point, he will always be trying to put you in a position where you MUST give him praise, because you constantly hold it back. You want to know what that looks like? BA, BS, MS, Phd, JD, 100K salary, BMW, etc. etc. ... easily quantifiable status symbols that can be placed in a study and can be easily used to force the parent to render praise. Is that really achievement? I'd rather my kid start the next Apple.
- rgraham 15y ago
  I think 'start the next Apple' is just as constrained as what you're dogging. What about just getting married and raising a great family? Or starting a mechanic shop that lets him fish every afternoon? Living a happy life that they choose and having a positive impact on the people around them. The occupation, money, etc. don't matter so much.
  - maratd 15y ago
    > What about just getting married and raising a great family? That's a lot harder than starting the next Apple. Seriously. Telling your kid "I just want you to be happy" is nice, but it conveys nothing. As a parent, it's your job to teach him how to get there. I should know what his passion is. I'm his dad. I don't care if it's computers, cars, or fish. Whatever it is, I'll do it with him and I'll push him to be the best in that field. I don't care what "achievements" he acquires. That trophy means squat. So does that degree. So does that salary. I want to see the child challenged, I want to see him fail, and I want to see him get up, learn from his mistakes, and try again. I want to see that attitude in every aspect of his life. That, alone, is the biggest achievement he can make. Maybe if the kid tries to become the next Steve Jobs, he'll fall on his ass often enough, to the point that the pain will beat into him what's really important in life ... and maybe, just maybe, after all that, he'll learn how to live a happy life.

thesystemis 15y ago

one of the nicest ideas I got from Adam Savage is the idea of a hardware store expense account. His father, instead of giving him an allowance, would give him a certain amount of money he could spend every week at the hardware store. An artist who is a hero of mine, Toshi Iwai (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toshio_Iwai http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toshio_Iwai) in his talks describes how his parents stopped buying toys for him when he turned 10. He was encouraged to design and build his own toys. When he talks about his art, he always starts by showing these great sketches and flipbooks he made as a ten year old. anyway, I find this approach (expense account for building supplies, encouraging children to build their own toys) really quite inspiring and plan on trying to raise my children the same way when they are that age.